My last two replies were supposed to be attached to some other replies. That didn't happen. Not sure why.
The middle one was in response to what boyzmomee said about interrupting conversations being typical ADHD and pretty much unavoidable.
The last one was in response to the one you posted about having your son re-evaluated and his dad not working and not being willing to do anything to help you get help for your son.
(Yeah, I know he's your step-son, but he's still family. Make sure he knows it. I may be nit-picking any son of mine would be mine. Even if he's only mine through marriage. I'd never call any one a step-kid. It's all about attitude. )View Thread
That thing you said about you're the only parent that works and is willing to take this on makes me think.
Does his dad have ADHD too?
It runs in families. I have ADHD, minor OCD and ODD. My dad and all 3 of my siblings have ADHD and at least one other thing. We grew up in a mad house. We were all bouncing around like crazy people, but we're still pretty close as adults.
ADHD meds require frequent adjustment. I have to visit my therapist at least once every 3 months to make sure the meds are working and talk about any problems or "stresses" that crop up.
You should be in regular contact with the school and his teachers. Parental involvement in school is critical. Makes sure the school is aware of his ADHD. The school is required to make reasonable accommodations for people with disabilities. ADHD is one of them.
Stop saying he doesn't have social skills. ADHD people don't notice details. It takes longer for him to learn what other people pick up instinctively. When you see him doing something outrageous. Take him to the side and politely remind him about it. Don't make it a big deal. Just talk with him about what happened. Let him know in a matter of fact way, what he did right and what he did wrong. Work with him to help him learn what he needs to know about how to get along.
Take him to church and everything else you do with your daughter. Excluding him and leaving him at home like a bad pet is NOT going to result in anything good.
First its' not logical for him to learn social skills by being left alone for being rude.
Second, do you really want an ADHD kid to sit at home alone for hours and hours? I can tell you from a practical perspective, that's probably not a good idea. He might try to cook a pizza and forget about it until the smoke detector goes off or impulsively tear apart the DVD player to see how it works. That's the kind of thing I used to do. Still do sometimes. lolView Thread
I completely agree. That is almost word for word the "symptom" from the ADHD evaluation.
That kind of thing is going to happen. It just will. You can't stop it. When he does it, politely ask him to wait a minute. Let him know you're not ignoring him. We ADHD people hate being ignored. Show him what good manners looks like.
He's more likely to yell and be obnoxious if that's how he's treated.View Thread
I have ADHD and ODD. I'm 38. Unfortunately, I haven't read all of the replies. I may repeat something. Sorry, if that happens.
Based on your post, I think you need to learn a little more about ADHD.
Imagine your worst day, where you can't get anything right. One of those days where you were late for every appointment and forgot to put on deodorant, left your wallet at home and dropped your keys in a sewer grate. You can't remember where you put that important file the boss is looking for. Then you find it, but spill your lunch on it and have to have it printed again. You make it to the meeting and realize it's not your meeting. Yours is tomorrow. Oh well, at least it's over. Rush hour. You hit every red light, miss the turn to your house and have to turn around. You get home and think you can relax, but you realize you were supposed to return a movie, but you can't find the box. You find it and get a speeding ticket on the way to the video store.
Now imagine your mom telling you how disappointed she is that you couldn't even put on deodorant and how much it costs to get those keys out of the sewer. Not to mention the late fees! How could you forget that meeting? There were like 20 memos and you were told at least 100 times what day it was. Why can't you get anything right?
After all you've been through, you just want to tell her to stick it where the sun don't shine and get off your back! Of course that would just make things worse she already took away your TV privileges. What's next? Shouldn't have asked! She takes your keys because you can't even drive to the video store without getting a ticket and you'd probably loose them anyway.
How would you feel? Wouldn't you be a little tense? Wouldn't you be ready to bite the head off the next person that tells you what a looser you are?
Now imagine that's pretty much every day. And your mom has your sister watching your every move!
That's what ADHD is like.
His behavior isn't behavior. His brain is physically different than your daughter's brain. He's not capable of doing things the way your daughter does. That's a fact of life that you can't punish away.
No matter how much you punish a blind kid, he'll never be able to read printed text and he will bump into stuff. Your son needs a little help not punishment.
What you're doing is setting up a situation that will lead to ODD. I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 37. My whole life has been one long bad day. People get mad at me for saying the wrong things or being late or forgetting stuff. People think I'm being mean when I didn't mean it that way. It's all so frustrating you just don't want to deal with anyone. When I was 15 or 16. I basically told the whole world to stick it. I was so tired of all the crap I just snapped. I developed a level of stubborn that you can't even imagine. It's ridiculous. Even when I know it doesn't make sense, I can not give in.
The thing is, I'm one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. I'll drop everything and drive across town to jump your car if you ask me politely. But if you order me around or you're rude, forget it. I can be the rock and the hard place. I got that way because of the type of thing you're doing.
Your son needs structure and consistency he can count on. He needs frequent gentle reminders. He needs a daily routine. He needs your patience. When he gets loud, don't get loud. Ask him to use a civil tone. Be polite. Try to see it from his side. When he makes a mistake give him the chance to fix it. Build him up. Tell him when he does something right. Ask him to help you cook. Ask him what he likes. Give him choices. Give him one instruction at a time. Be NICE!
LAUGH a little. ADHD would be funny if it wasn't happening to me! Laugh it off with him. Laugh when you make a mistake too. That will show him it's not the end of the world. Be honest. Most of the stuff is minor. Let it go. Relax.
Read Driven to Distraction and Driven From Distraction.
I had a problem like several years ago. The doc sent me for an upper GI to check for Acid Reflux disease. That wasn't it. The short version is I'm allergic to grass.
I have to take allergy pills before I do yard work or I wind up lying on the floor wheezing.
It had nothing to do with ADHD meds because I didn't know I had ADHD back then.
If he's not getting enough sleep because of the cough, he could be suffering from sleep deprivation and not ADHD. The symptoms are similar. Keep in mind, lots of ADHD people including me have trouble sleeping. The cough may be unrelated to the ADHD or the meds.
I'd talk to the doctor about it and let him know about your concerns. They'll help you figure it out and get him the help he needs so he can get some sleep.
I take Adderall XR. I hate when they have to adjust the dose.
What you describe is pretty consistent with my own experience.
When my dose was too high, I had headaches every day and I ground my teeth until they hurt. I felt terrible.
When we finally got the dose right, it was a different story. No pain. No problems. Everybody around me commented on how calm and collected I was. I didn't really notice anything different. Everything just seemed to be easier.I still have a hard time noticing anything when I take the meds. I notice it more when I don't take them.
I think we get so used to being able to function, that we forget what it was like when we were drifting along on our unconscious whims. One of the reasons I skip my meds from time to time is to gauge how well their working. That and I kind of like that feeling of mystery I get when I find myself wandering aimlessly through the house trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing.
I have ADHD and grew up with 3 ADHD siblings and an ADHD Dad. I've seen similar things, but not exactly that.
Yeah. ADHD is rough. Yeah he needs compassion. He doesn't need any more or less compassion than you'd give any other kid who makes mistakes.
You just handle it as you would any other mistake in a matter of fact way. Make it clear this is not the right thing to do. Show him the right thing to do. When he does the right thing, make sure he knows you're proud of him and you'd like it if he did it that way all the time.
This may not be what it appears. This could be a combination of ADHD traits. Procrastination, Impulsiveness and a need for stimulation.
He waits too long to go and goes in his pants. That happens a lot with ADHD kids.He plays with it because he's impulsive and may think it's funny. When he does it, people notice. He gets a reaction. There's activity. He's not mature enough to realize it's negative attention. He just likes the chaos, so to speak.
The real problem here is he's not going in the toilet. If he was, there wouldn't be any opportunity to impulsively play with it. He has ADHD. He may procrastinate about going when his body tells him to go. He's not socially adept enough to realize how other people feel about what he's doing. He's not very good at picking up on social cues. He'll need to be told outright that this is bad and other people don't like it. He needs to know the right thing to do. He needs to get positive attention from doing the right thing and zero attention from doing the wrong thing. Consistent positive reinforcement will work just like any other kid.
This is what I'd do.
1. You need to know when it's happening so you can address it right away in real time. Keep an eye on the kid. You know he does this, so watch him. Have your son let you know if he sees anything. Have him whisper in your ear or take you to the side if he's embarrassed.
2. When he does it, calmly, in a matter of fact way, take him to the bathroom. Have him sit on the potty for a few minutes, wipe and wash his hands. Then have him help you clean up the bits he left on the scene. Don't make a fuss. This is all boring business and doesn't get any extra attention.
3. Back to basics: Potty Training. Every 30 minutes have him take a potty break. Take him to the bathroom. Have him sit on the potty for a few minutes. Maybe he goes, maybe not. Either way there's a good chance he won't go in his pull-ups. When he goes in the potty, celebrate. Give him a high five or a sticker or something and make sure he knows this is the right thing to do.
The point is he doesn't get any attention from doing the wrong thing, but he gets lots of good attention for doing the right thing. That will help satisfy his need for stimulation in a good way.
I know you're not the kid's parent. But it is your house. You set the rules. Don't be embarrassed about it. Don't make it a big deal at all. If the other parent isn't there at the time, just tell her about it after. No big deal. Just like potty training. If she is there, go ahead and take the initiative. She may appreciate the break and the presence of an understanding parent. If you don't make it a big deal she won't be as embarrassed either. She may learn from you and take the lesson home.
Don't forget this is your house and you set the rules. I have no problem putting my friends kids in timeout right in front of their parents in my own home. They're cool with it too.
The root of this problem is just potty training and learning the difference between positive and negative attention.
Oh and ditch the pull-ups. That's just telling him it's OK to still be a baby. It's negative attention and stimulation. You don't teach a kid to act his age if you treat him like an infant. He's ADHD. Not stupid. Treat him like a 7yo who needs some help with potty training. Not a tall baby.
Thanks. It was all the parenthesis and their contents that threw me off. I didn't even need my Adderall to figure it out. lol (I skipped my meds today since my wife is out of town.)
Yep. You got it.
We'd make a lot less mistakes if we weren't always rushing to make up for lost time. We'd feel better about life if we weren't constantly reminded of every little mistake. We'd be more inclined to make a nicer person happy than a nagging one.
Thanks for reading my posts and asking my opinion. I hope you get something useful out of all of that. Next time I'll take my meds before I write. Maybe I can write a haiku instead of a War and Peace length post and still get my point across.
I'm not sure how to reply to your post. I'm having trouble understanding what you'd like me to say.
I think this is what you're saying.
You were recently diagnosed with ADHD. You were relieved to know the cause of your problems. You want to know more about the causes of ADHD and how it can be managed or treated. You want to help ADHD kids. You're concerned with the unintentional damage caused by a lack of understanding from friends and caregivers of ADHD kids.
I can barely understand the last part.
I think you're saying that blaming an ADHD kids driving issues on the lack of medication gives them an excuse to avoid making an effort to overcome their ADHD "symptoms and drive more carefully.
They do better with frequent encouragement than constant criticism.
Did I get that right?
Here you go.
Sometimes we don't need to know WHY a problem happened to resolve it. If the light bulb burns out, you replace it. Why it burned out isn't really relevant to the solution.
That's how I view ADHD. It's a problem. Why I have it doesn't matter as much as figuring out how to live with it.
For most of my life I got by on my intelligence. I use it to fill in the blanks caused by not paying attention to what's going on. Knowing that I have ADHD didn't have any practical effect on my life directly. It made me feel better knowing the cause of my problems, but it didn't make them go away.
When I looked back on my life, I realized that my ADHD symptoms are annoying, but the real damage didn't come from having ADHD symptoms.
Spending time looking for my keys is painless. Running late, forgetting my homework, driving home to get my tools are all equally harmless to my physical being.
The consequences are what hurts. Getting fired for tardiness is a problem. Being held back a grade for lack of homework even when you know the material is a problem. Feeling like you let people down is a problem. Being punished for loosing things is a problem.
ADHD is annoying, not fatal. Dealing with other people who don't understand and can't let go of the little stuff are the real problem.
Here is a practical example for ADHD parents to think about.
Your kid forgot to do his homework. He tries to finish it before he leaves for school. He takes a few minutes to slap some answers down. He'll probably get a passing grade. He just missed the bus. He only has 3 minutes to make a 10 minute drive. He can't be late or he'll get locked out or suspended or whatever. Pedal to the metal, he's off. He doesn't quite crash, but the car behind him swerves to avoid him and crashes. He parks in the first spot he can find and runs through the door. He gets a D on his homework. Someone at the accident got his tag number. The cops give him a ticket for fleeing an accident and parking in a handicap space when they find the car at school. Now he owes money, has detention and failed 10th grade.
Do you punish him?
This situation could have been avoided if he'd done his homework last night. All he has to do is remember to do his homework when he gets home. Big deal!?
True, but he's always going to forget stuff. He can't help it. Trying harder won't help. Now what?
What if the school relaxed it's policy on tardiness for ADHD kids? What if they give him some time alone during the day to finish that homework he forgot due to his ADHD? How about they don't grade homework and just use it to see how he's learning? Why not let him pass if he can prove he knows the material he was taught?
Don't just jump to conclusions. Think about what I'm saying. All of the problems I've ever had due to ADHD came from the way other people handle my ADHD. Late bills, bad grades, speeding tickets, angry parents, angry spouses all of it were due to the way other people or companies feel about ADHD symptoms.
Give a kid a break. Remove the need for drastic actions by not making every little thing a do or die situation. ADHD is not voluntary. How hard is it to be nice? Isn't it worth it?