Hi, cjh. I'm glad you read my post. You can now understand rather better my emotional and physical situation. And I barely scratched the surface, as my history is so painful and embarassing that I hesitate to share much of it with anyone. Those who have deserted me were like siblings, and they watched the abuse and neglect of me my entire life. And to have lost their confidence and what I thought was love and support has changed me as a person. Then to try to take care of Mom, who was an integral part of so much of my suffering, although I felt duty-bound and loved her, has made everything so much harder. She isn't here to defend herself, which I feel makes me disloyal to even discuss our past . My one witness to so much is my wonderful husband of 3l years, and even he did not tell me what he saw, which I refused to see for at least 25 years, and then witnessed my own further physical and emotional decline as I was forced to see and face what I had refused to acknowledge for so many years. As for therapy, cjh, I worked in the mental health field for many years, and have seen several therapists during and after leaving my profession. Most of them tend to lean toward emotional voyeurs and it is hard for me to go very far in my own revelations. The doctor I am seeing now is a very good one, and we are still working on anti-depressants, to which I am very sensitive. I'm hopeful that with trial and error, I can reach some level of normalcy again, which I hope I will recognize, since it's been a very long time since I have experienced that. I so appreciate your concern, and hope that you will understand my depths of despair more easily now. It is not feeling sorry for myself, I hate that. It is dealing with realities that I never expected, and finding myself alone in this world with only one person who truly loves and accepts me, and I'm so grateful for him. I'll post soon. Bless you, honey.
Dear Beenthere: Thanks so much for your reply and also Ladysmamma. I reread my posts, and not very much has changed for me. Monday will make 6 years since my dad died, because of complications from poor nursing home care. The time from his initial hospitalization to his death was less than three months. I thought I had been through horror with that, as he blamed me for landing in the hospital after an overdose of insulin stopped his heart. I had to take care of him almost alone, as my mom was not able to do anything on her own. I also had my 5-year-old granddaughter there Monday through Friday. We had a very complicated relationship, and I was always the one who had to handle everything for my parents. We had to bring Mom home with us, as she had allowed my dad to control her life in every way, and she was virtually helpless. I adored my mother. and it was a rude awakening to find that she was not the woman I believed her to be. With my own illnesses, and the stress placed on us by stupid decisions made by our son, my husband and I had no life since 2000. I felt it was my duty to take care of my mom, and had no help from any family member other than her sister, who would take her for 48 hours probably six times in two years. When we felt we could no longer cope, I found the best nursing home in our area, actually within our region, and placed her May 2lst of last year. Four weeks and one day later, she fell, breaking her right shoulder and fracturing her right pelvic bone. I thought I would die over that. Then the sister created such turmoil in the family, told my mother what a horrible daughter I was for placing her, brought her pastor in who pronounced her to have a sound mind, and continued to lie, defame, and generally make things even harder. I have lost all my family on my mother's side, none of whom helped when Mom was here, and now they won't go see her at the facility. Needless to say, I have been devastated by all of this, and of course, the guilt and grief only compound everthing else. My dad's sister regaled me in the last l-l/2 years of 30 years' worth of lies and secrets involving my parents, and I've had to deal with all that also. Of course, Mom could remember nothing at that point, so I am left with my guilt, my grief, and my sadness, which I feel will never go away. To anyone dealing with caregiving, you have my heart-felt sympathy and my awe at doing it well. I feel I have failed, and after a year, I am nowhere near healing. Hi, cjh, yes, I'm still here. Trying to live a day at a time.View Thread
Dear cjh, thanks for thinking of me. It's a beautiful day here, I've been up since 4:30 AM, and I am going to have a positive day. I'm intent on getting some things done, and knowing that you're thinking of me means so much. Hope you have a wonderful day.
Hi, cjh. I have been reading the posts, but I'm mostly just trying to get through the days. It makes me sad to read what everyone goes through. Things are mostly the same with Mom, no candle has appeared, and I'm trying to leave Mom in the hands of the experts. I will continue to post from time to time, and I will keep you abreast . Thanks for your note.
I'm going to try this again, since it disappeared when I posted. To the Gambles, does your mom's doctor know the extent of your mom's situation? Do you happen to live close to a hospital with a geriatric/AD unit where you can have your mom evaluated as an inpatient? When my mother starting hallucinating in early 20l0, we had her admitted for evaluation. She continued to hallucinate in hospital and declined rapidly afteward. We had to place her in May of last year, which was the hardest thing I ever had to do. The facility is the best in our area, but unfortunately she has had a couple of falls, and is rapidly fading. I am amazed that you all have taken care of your mom through all of this. For her sake, and for your wellbeing, she needs 24/7 care. She would be loved, medically cared for and protected. cjh knows me well, I have whined to her several times. The advice here is excellent. I realize every situation is different, and my heart goes out to all of you. View Thread
Thank you, cjh, for your reply to my babbling post of yesterday. Your response to the treatment of Mom's incontinence expresses my exact feelings, and I can curtail this but I'm not sure what to do. The OT therapist, as I stated, was not happy with my questions, and in fact did not give me a clear answer on success with AD patients in this area. I feel this may be more an insurance reimbursement issue, because they do of course bill her insurance, and I can't imagine any success for Mom in the process. I had a call from her PA yesterday evening, who told me she feels Mom has conjunctivitis and she has prescribed an antibiotic. Mom has had very matted, red eyes for quite a while, and this is the first time they have informed me of antibiotic treatment, even though I have addressed the issue before. As for my own situation, it was raining and cold Saturday, and I was thinking it was a night to be home safe and warm with one's family. And of course, all I could think of was that Mom was not with her family, and the grief just overwhelmed me. Sometimes it's hard to define the grief from the guilt, although one can outweigh to other at any time. I do have a very good doctor now, but I am one of those "complicated" patients, as I have been referred to in the past, so we both have some work to do. If I could feel better physically, then I could clean my own home, which would make me feel better. I believe the physical chaos of a home reflects the inner chaos of the people living there (mine, in our case, my husband works so much, so he isn't here 24/7), and we really don't have the money to have someone come in and do it. I just really appreciate that I can pull out all my embarassing and unpalatable emotions and share them with someone who is willing to listen and not judge. Thank you again.View Thread
Thanks for your reply, cjh. When I said help, I mean I am in such a dark place over Mom that I just feel I'm going to die. I sat in the bathroom this weekend and cried, away from Hubby and Granddaughter. I got a call from Mom's facility Friday, telling me that she is now completely incontinent, and that their OT is going to try to teach her to control herself by teaching her muscle control and maybe Keigles. She never knew about the Ks in her life, and I cannot imagine what good this will do. I was promised a call today but finally had to make the call. I also talked with the weekend RN, who told me they do not have this problem with Mom because they take her to the bathroom very frequently (Friday through Sunday). I talked with the OC tx today, and I could tell she wasn't very happy about my questioning. Don't really care, since I am so concerned for Mom's wellbeing. I cannot get her off my mind, I cannot sleep, and if I happen to doze, I am having horrific nightmares about her. The guilt and the sadness are all-consuming. It's coming up on a year since we placed her, and I keep questioning all the time if she would be this bad if I had kept her here. I think I would have been dead myself by now, but it seems I am going to die either way. I know I'm really whining here, and I do have a shrink appointment tomorrow. I started a new antidepressant about two weeks ago, and it is not working as well as the first one, but the side effects were so bad with the first one that I couldn't take it. I can't concentrate, I cannot read, and with my own useless body, my house is a pigsty, and I just feel that I'm in such a deep hole, I'm never going to get out. Do other people feel as I do? I see so many heroic stories of caregivers, who have such deep compassion, such patience, and such love. I feel like such a hypocrit. This isn't nearly all I need to say, but it's all I can do just now. Thanks for your and anyone's help.View Thread
cjh, just tried to post but it went into cyberspace before I could finish. I have some things to talk about, really need to talk, but I don't know how long a post I can put on this site. Things are not good, and I am a mess, have cried all weekend. Help!View Thread
Went to the site, and it appears that mostly what I am experiencing is age-related, and I am sure a lot of it is stress-related. My fibro and CFS are also in full swing these days, which effects everything I do. I am also visiting the fibro/cfs thread which has been very enlightening and helpful.View Thread
Thanks so much for your input Byroney and cjh. I didn't think of taking pictures of Mom's room, such a good idea. As of yesterday afternoon, the candle has not reappeared. If it does by the end of the week, the problem will be solved. Otherwise, I don't know. I have begun a new antidepressant, but it's early days yet, so I'll have to give it some time. As for things I used to enjoy, I am a voracious reader, usually at least four to six books a month in a bad month. I have not been able to finish a book now for at least six months, and I'm getting really concerned that I have to go back and refresh the content when I start reading again. I know I'm probably being really paranoid, my husband says not to worry, but I am a word person, love language, and my brain is the only thing that still works. My mother was also a voracious reader, that is one thing we happily shared, and I watched her stop reading over the last five years. It will be a year May 2lst since we placed her, and I am nowhere near being better healthwise in any area. As I've said, it's like she dies every day, and I simply cannot pull myself up. I am so isolated, and I tend toward paranoia on good days, always have. Isn't that funny since my career was in the mental health field? I am just so grateful you all are here. It does help to vent, and to know that I am not alone. I just want Mom to be cared for, safe, comfortable, and loved by the staff. She is in the very best facility in our area, which has helped me somewhat.View Thread