I think about my own death, and others dying a lot (I'm 19, by the way). Like, more than 5 times a day. I've been that way since my dad died when I was 5; I guess you could say that experience put mortality on my radar. The thing is, when I think about others dying, I kind of go into panic mode. I don't think you could tell I'm panicking by looking at me, but in my mind I start acting like those paranoid suburbanites from the Cold war: stocking up on metaphorical supplies and building a metaphorical bomb shelter to survive looming disaster. Does that make sense? Like, I'm anxiously over-preparing for a situation that isn't even close to happening yet. And this worry has only been legitimate a few times; most of the time it comes on me just cause my mom isn't home when I wake up, or a friend might be 10 minutes late picking me up, and suddenly I'm like "Their dead! How am I gonna cope?!" I'm certain I have PTSD from my dad dying. It was pretty traumatic for me. As for thinking on my own death, I probably do this more, and when I was little I totally dreaded it. Not being dead, because I believe in heaven, but more how I was gonna die...I just assumed I would die in a concentration camp or be gunned down or something! Now I'm sure I will have a very normal, anti-climactic death. So since I was...10? 12? death quit being a worrisome topic, and I began looking forward to it. I don't know if I'm suicidal, because I've never been close to attempting suicide, but I do frequently think, "well, I don't have to worry about buying a new shirt, cause when I die that shirt wont matter to me. I should buy a project to do with my niece instead." My mantra is "Just live till you die. That's all you have to do". I also remember thinking when I was 13, "I can do anything that comes my way, because if anything truly gets too hard, than it would kill me, and all I'd have to do is die." That thought was very comforting to me. I think I've always treated life like it was this HUGE challenge that is just waiting to knock you off your feet and defeat you, cause that's how I felt when I lost my dad. And people wonder why I have to be so prepared all the time. I do have suicidal thoughts written in my journal (basically just 'I want to die' stuff, I never go into how I would do it. All my so-called suicidal entry's are the result of PTSD panic attacks; its not from "My bff stole my boyfriend" or "gosh, I think I'm fat" crap. So... what do you think? Is my mindset unhealthy, or is it unhealthy for someone my age? Or does everyone else actually think the same way?View Thread
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