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Autism Support Community

Whether you have received the diagnosis or in pursuit of one, get support and ... more

Reply: ASPERGER'S AND LYING

Heck all the aspies I know (which is a lot) tell a lot of white lies. In fact, I...

Posted by standingpretty

35 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:ASPERGER'S AND LYING Heck all the aspies I know (which is a lot) tell a lot of white lies. In fact, I...

Reply: ADVISE ON HOW TO LIVE WITH HUSBAND WITH ASPERGER'S...

Being married to someone who's autistic can be heaven sometimes and hell at other...

Posted by standingpretty

Being married to someone who's autistic can be heaven sometimes and hell at other times. I would say it's impossible to be with an ASP unless you train yourself to do so with good resources (I will get into that at the end of my post). The best resources I have found come from my husbands family- I am married to an aspie. I am NT.

Let me start off by saying that some of the really negative things people say on forums are true at times. There will be times where you feel neglected, wondering why they are being so mean, wondering if the relationship is worth staying in and so on. When you don't know how emotional/situational things work for someone with AS and as someone who is (probably) neurotypical, you will question their terrible behavior-as would anyone who is NT. When dealing with AS, you have to remember first and foremost this is a real and legitimate disability. Even though AS people are usually highly intelligent, for some reason they cannot perceive how their negative actions hurt and confuse those around them- even though it would seem obvious to pretty much all NT people. I will give you some brief summaries on behaviors some ASP exhibit and some reasoning behind them before listing some resources that were helpful to my marriage.

Sometimes, your AS partner will seem like they're ignoring you. I recently read an article where a woman talked about dating a man with AS. In the article, she said that there was this one time where her dad was having a health issue and she really needed the support and when she tried to contact her AS bf, he ignored her email. Ultimately, she ended the relationship because of this. To NT people, this is a rude and callous action and a form of abandonment. There have been times where I have tried to contact my husband and I couldn't for days on end and it made me very upset. Sometimes people with AS need to be left alone for long periods of time, sometimes as even long as 2 weeks, it can be like being in a part-time relationship. You have to be really independent and not clingy to survive a NT-AS relationship. If you are around too much, you will give them sensory overload and it will push them away; or they may act irritated with you. Do not take it personally if someone who has AS does not want to spend a lot of time with you, it's just that their AS makes them feel overwhelmed by the emotions people give them and cannot handle it all the time. You also must understand they won't always be there when you need them.

They may not relate to other's feelings at times and may come across as cold. Aspies have trouble both understanding and relating emotions. Sometimes, they can say something so mean and not understand how it would hurt someones feelings. One time, my husband threatened divorce and I was crying and really wanted to be held, but he didn't want to hold me and comfort me. On top of that, he yelled at me a few times for what seemed like no reason. I was hurt, and he acted like he didn't care. His actions didn't make sense to me as a NT person and I felt like my feelings were not validated. My grandfather is also autistic, and I have had similar experiences with him. Sometimes when I visit my grandfather, he will outright call me fat. He was thinking some how this will help me realize whats wrong with myself and do something about it; instead of thinking about how my feelings would be hurt. Aspies will be blunt and rude about things thinking that it some how benefits the person who they are unknowingly insulting. AS people expect other people to not get their emotions tied into a conversation. You must learn to not take a lot of things personally with an aspie- they don't mean it offensively most of the time.

The book I have used that is particularly helpful for romantic relationships with aspies is "22 Things a Woman Must know If she loves a man with Asperger's Syndrome". It has helped me salvage a relationship with my AS husband and I am now happy with our relationship.View Thread

Posted bystandingpretty

34 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:ADVISE ON HOW TO LIVE WITH HUSBAND WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME Being married to someone who's autistic can be heaven sometimes and hell at other...

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