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I don't know if you are still looking at this blog. I wouldn't be surprised if you have run away from it, but in case you are.....
I am married to a man, for 15 years, who I now believe has Asperges syndrome. It has not always been obvious, because I didn't know much, if anything, about it, and it is only in learning about the syndrome that it has become obvious to me that the characteristics of someone with Asperges fit him perfectly.
I do not plan to leave my husband. In my understanding I cannot leave a drowning man (a sentiment I thought about before any clue about Asperges being a possibility). And although I cannot speak for others who have written on this blog, I believe he tries very hard to adapt to a world that he finds confusing and impossible to understand. That said, it isn't easy. When I broached the idea with him, only a couple of days ago, he dismissed it in a characteristic way, until shortly afterwards he had what I call an 'unconventional' reaction to something, and went of his own accord to do an online test. He came out one point short of definitely Asperges. Since then everything has been asparagus, alzheimers and other plays on the word. Although this is exasperating, I believe it is his way of internalising the whole thing. He is beginning to recognised incidents in the past as 'definitely asparagus'.
Why am I saying all this to you? I believe your husband when he says he is happy with you. I believe you try very hard to 'be better'. But I find that in itself rather sad, as if you are being 'wrong'. Maybe you are 'wrong' in the conventional sense, but that is only because the average person has made the rules. I believe the diagnosis is only helpful if it helps those involved to understand each other better, and to bring compassion into what can otherwise become a nerve-wracking maze of mistakes and provocations. Only that way can any couple live together, whether one or both are 'asparagus' or not; compassion is easy when it's easy; it's when it isn't easy that a relationship is tested. It seems to me that your marriage is full of compassion, on both sides; your husband is happy with you, he doesn't want you to leave; you don't want to leave, except for his and your children's good. It seems a wonderfully strong basis on which a marriage made to last is founded.
I admire the effort you have obviously put into conforming and trying to understand the world around you, over a longer period than only when you were diagnosed. I think your husband is very lucky, as are your children, and so are you. I believe there is SO much for the world to learn about the GOOD sides of ASD, and you are part of that process. Wishing you peace and rest and comfort in the love of your husband, and your children.View Thread
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