Thanks for the apology. Believe me I do know how hard this is for you. I think counseling is a good idea.
As far as his living and monetary situation is concerned, no I do not think you are obligated to take care of him for the rest of his life. Actually moving him into a board and care or an independant living facility is not a bad idea. But first he needs an income so maybe you need to push him a little to apply for disability. However, I don't think he belongs in a homeless shelter. People with mental illnessness rarely get better on the street. They tend to fall through the cracks as far as treatment is concerned. Also I don't think you really want that. I think you do care about him but you are upset and confused about what to do to help him.
Believe it or not, even though your son is pushing you away, I think he really does need you. I think counseling may help you figure out how to help him in a more positive way.
I will share with you my experience. I had a massive meltdown in 1997 and lost my job. I begged my dad to take me in. But he felt like it would be better if I continued living on my own. I think he was right. But I was not able to work so I got on state disability.
My dad has been my biggest supporter because I was able to call him day or night to cry on his shoulder. That was the best thing he could have done for me and I am grateful beyond words.
I think a therapist could help you figure out a way of gently pushing him towards independance without hurting him. There is no shame in asking for help.
I have tried to be sympathetic to your position and many of us have given you suggestions on how to deal with your situation. However, I find your attitude completely insulting to those of us who have been through the hell of mental illness. I sincerely doubt that your son is manipulating you. Your son has a severe mental illness. Do you think it is normal for a young healthy man to stay in his room all the time instead of getting out? Tell me why would he choose to be miserable? To get out of working? Give me a break!
Has it ever occured to you that maybe the reason he doesn't talk to you is because he knows you judge him? I would not confide in you either!
You should probably hook up with Matt because he has a support group for family and friends of the mentally ill. I don't know how others feel but I don't think you belong here anymore.View Thread
I am truly sorry that so many women here have been mistreated by men, but let's not forget that most men are not like that. I have never been abused by a man. I don't like man-bashing any more than I like women bashing.
At the risk of not being politically correct, I have to say that I don't like being blamed by certain racial groups for things that I have not personally done to them, simply because I am white. Do I owe all blacks an apology because of what my ancesters did? I have even heard from some blacks that I have known that it is the whites that are to blame for their drug addictions!!
My point is that I do not blame men just because there are a few bad apples out there.
I'm sorry about your car. I know it sucks not having a car, but cutting is not the answer. Why not take a warm bath with aromatherapy oils and soothing music? Maybe that sounds simplistic but it really does help.
I just want to make sure that he knows not to stop taking any of his meds without talking to his doctor first. That is not what I was suggesting. Rather he needs to let the doc know what is going on and let the doctor decide on any med changes. The most important thing that he can do for himself is to communicate with his doctor honestly about how he is doing and learn as much as he can about his illness and the proper treatments.
One of the ways that you can be of help if he lets you is to talk to the doctor together. Since depression causes apathy, it may be difficult for him to advocate for himself. There were times in the past when my dad helped me by telling the doctor what he observed about my treatment. My dad can be quite forcefull at times and if he felt I was being overmedicated he had no problem letting the doctor know that.
It may be more difficult for a man to accept that kind of help but I think that it would help if you were involved, not so much as a parent but as an advocate to make his needs known to the doctor.
As far as his social isolation is concerned one thing that would help him a lot is support groups. They have been essential for my recovery. Check with organizations such as the Dept.of Mental Health and Mental Health America. Some organizations have social centers as well.
Good luck and feel free to ask more questions if you need to.
It might seem "easier" to stay but in reality it isn't easy at all! It's not "easy" to deal with an extremely stressful marriage like you have. I heard a statement one time from some relationship guru whose name I can't remember (lol) that you can fall in love with anybody, but that doesn't necessarily mean you should be with that person. I do believe that to be true. Unfortunately for us true romantics, love doesn't always fix everything that is wrong with our relationships.
You are right that you can love him from a distance too. You don't have stop loving him but you do need to take care of yourself.
I had a counseler tell me time and time again that you can't get water from an empty well.
Having said all this, I am definately not a relationship counseler and I've never even been married (lol). But these are my thoughts on the subject I'd like to think that I have learned a little bit about life in my 47 years on this earth!
I am not telling you to leave him right this minute. The ball is in his court now, so hopefully he will "man-up" and step up to the plate. If he doesn't though, then maybe you will have to make a decision as to how long you want to continue in a relationship with a man who is less than committed to you.
You are a good person and your first priority should be to be good to yourself!