Thank you for the reply. I can define both, but I am having difficulty dealing with both, hence the psychologist working with me on it. Meanwhile, having trouble with the guy that writes me meds. He and his boss have made a critical error in dosage for one of them, possibly two, and if I determine that to be correct beyond a shadow of a doubt, they're getting fired.
k, so I have been in a slight to severe depression since February 28.
During that time, it varied, but 2 weeks ago, it turned into what I describe as angry depression,. I was depressed, yet mad as could be.
I felt forsaken by God, alone, more than a little grumpy, testy, had a short fuse, snapped at people - some deserved it, some didn't - so on and so forth. You get the picture I'm sure.
Well, I got to feeling like, for just the sake of example, if I were in a mall, and accidentally bumped someone, and they smarted off, that i would probably drive them to the ground and keep on a walking'.
It was after I used this example with my psychologist that she, in order for me to avoid any triggers, told me to stay home, and spoke to my wife on the phone describing the type of environment I needed to be in to keep me from "going off."
Thankfully, my kids are old enough and smart enough to understand, and my wife would walk on glass for me if she thought it would make me better. Truly, she would. And I'd do the same for her without thinking about it.
I love her and my kids enough that I'd take a bullet for any of them without thinking about it if the need arose, God forbid.
In any case, have any of you ever felt this way? Sad but angry?
Am I more odd than most?
Or is this common?
It's the first time I've ever felt this way. I mean, I've felt depressed of course. And I've felt angry. But this is the first I've ever felt both simultaneously.
Ok, I lose money from my VA Disability. I lose money from Social Security Disabiilty. My private insurance was supposed to maintain my income for life. However, since they are only maintaining that income that I had when i became disabled, by the time they reimburse me for SOME of the VA & SSDi losses, i still lose $500/mo.
I'm going to call my Congressional Rep tomorrow, and ask him why I lose any VA money at all. The SSDI I sort of understand, but for the VA to "cut my throat" after all I've been through due to my personal service to country, it seems like they are cutting my throat from behind, ya know.
Thanks for the kudos on something that helps my anxiety - Haldol. The hospital ER actually called my Psychologist on the phone last week on her cell phone, which I had obtained prior permission to give them that number, and asked her if I needed to be hospitalized. That, truly, would have probably made me worse, and a potential physical threat to anyone around me. But, she told them "No" and that I just needed a med to calm me down till I could get to the doc the next day. And, the ER people told me flat out to get there when they opened in the morning, to tell them why I was there, and to sit in their office (in their face), until someone saw me. This actually worked, and I only had to sit about 90 minutes.
See, my psychiatrist office has no "emergency mechanism" or anyone on call or the like, so I was just in a SNAFU situation until someone in the office would see me. Had I sat there all day with no results, I frankly do not know how I could've handled it.
I may look for a different psychiatrist office, and because my psychologist, who I just adore working with, is going "cash only" in July, I have to find another psychologist as well, especially since due to the pay cut I'll never afford it.
Then, there's the VA medical facility. I am entitled to go there, but oh my God they SUCK, especially for mental health stuff. They figure anything that lasts over 6-12 months near warrants inpatient care, i.e., mental health ward commitment, and me with no recourse against that. NO THANK YOU. I've been dealing with my multiple diagnoses for around ten years now, and I AM better, just not quite normal, whatever the heck that is.
Matter of fact, I'd like to punch the arrogant SOB that wrote that word's definition....?Noah Webster? Whomever. Whatever. It's a fantasy word.
There just is what is, good and bad, and we have to figure out the best ways to deal with either or both.
Thank God I have the best wife in the world on my sideView Thread
I was retired on disability, but could still do some work, at age 22.5.
I worked my arse off, got me and my wife and son a house at age 23.
In Oct. of 2000, I had already made 70K and was on my way to 100K for the year
The company I was working for (Delphi, formerly a GM plant), pulled my job agreement, and put me on production from being an electrician. Production people hated me. I was outta there and got a job at 45K/yr as and EE//Automation Engineer within 3 weeks, and spent the next 12 weeks managing the installation of 3, 3 million dollar automated machining lines
After those machining lines, I moved to other projects, and things were going ok, except the 50% pay cut....then, suddenly, my injured right hand just had something "SNAP" in it and it hurt like hell for 10 years straight afterwards
I was on every opiate known to man, had 3 different spinal cord stimulator surgeries, and finally a "pain pump" that is still working well today
Meanwhile, I was diagnosed with major depression, PTSD, Bi-Polar 1, general Anxiety, and borderline personality D/O.
Here comes the twist. I had purchased, out of pocket, income insurance from an insurance company via my last employer, and if there were any changes to my pay from then on, they had to make up the difference.
Well, recently, I discovered that I am losing a TON of money cuz my daughter is turning 18. The income insurance is giving me some of that back, but only at the rate it would have paid at the time I became disabled, so I have a net loss of $500/mo. I about blew a gasket. Past 2 weeks have been hell.
I was taking 30-40mg/day of Valium, 400mg/day of Vistaril, both and 100mg IN THE MORNING for anxiety. Didn't touch the anxiety.
Spent last week, per my psychologist's instructions, cuz I was beginning to have some violent thoughts, at home.
Now, I am still anxious, however, last week I was in the ER cuz i was just that F'd up anxious, and nothing was helping. They gave me a shot of Haldol, and it helped.
So now here's the psych med list:
Latuda, 40mg in evening
Lamictal 100mg in morning
30-40mg/day (10mg increments)
Vistaril, 100mg 4xday
Pristiq, 50mg in morning
1/4 mg of Haldol, 2 x day
Well wouldn't ya know it, the friggin Haldol is HELPING. I think the dose needs about doubled or tripled, but it IS helping. Finally. Something.
Now, as a community of diverse people, please tell me, am I wrong for being pissed about losing $500/mo. income because my daughter is turning 18, going to college but staying at home - meaning we still have to take care of her for the most part - and I am still as (actually worse) disabled as I ever was, especially since I was awarded 100% service-conneced disability from the VA and Social Security in 2001? Doesn't it seem like I've endured enough without the government yanking a war vet's chain, or rather, yanking the financial rug out from under me? I'll have NO room to save anything at all. We'll do good to keep our home and get by. No going anywhere, doing anything, NOTHING. I'm 44 friggin years old, finally feeling better, and now this.
I am FED UP with Uncle Sam. And then to boot, there's a bunch of socialist a**holes out there trying to tell me I can't carry my sidearm either, even though I have a license, and wouldn't hurt a flea, or myself for that matter? I just want to protect my family. WTH???
I'm not the type to look for handouts. I worked or suffered for everything I have, or ever have had. I just want a fair shake. Good luck to me.
Anyway, IF YOU ARE SUFFERING EXTREME, NEAR VIOLENT ANXIETY, ASK TO TRY HALDOL. THAT SH** WORKS!View Thread
I believe in couples being forthcoming about stuff in general, but I wouldn't just go up to a girl I dated, out of nowhere, and say, "You should know I'm bi-polar."
Now, it sounds like they were more than just dating if they had a child together. Is that correct? I mean, were they dating exclusively with it leading towards marriage? If so, then yes, I feel like he should have told her this, but not because it is her right to know, but because it is something that some people just can't handle, and Lord'a'mercy I'd NOT want a child with someone like that.
So, let's answer the questions by the numbers: 1. If I knew they'd be hostile, I wouldn't reveal it, but I'd also walk away from the relationship. Love me like I am, or don't love me at all 2. The worst thing that could happen to a child, as it pertains to bi-polar, would be inheriting a bi-polar gene, if there is such a thing. But it DID go far enough for there to be a baby, so he should have dealt with this long before he dropped his drawers. 3. Yes 4. No. I'd kick ANYONE LIKE THAT to the curb.
I've been with my wife of 25 years, for 28 years now (since we were both 16 years old). Through thick and thin, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, etc.......we took that stuff very seriously, as we vowed in front of God, our families, and friends to keep those vows.
Now, I (the husband) have broken a few vows along the way, but my wifey has been, and still is perfect. She has had just cause to divorce me, didn't, and in the shape I've been in at various times over the years due to a service-connected disability, being an abused child, etc. (that list goes on), even with ALL of my issues, she has remained, faithful, loyal, caring, and loving. But, note again, we have been together since we were 16....we practically finished growing up as a couple, got married at ages 19 & 18 (she's a tad younger than I), we survived the Gulf War apart, and we've survived through very good and very bad. I say all that just to point out that we are different, therefore "I" am different than this dude you're talking about.
The "lady" should get over it or get out. Whatever. If she can't handle bi-polar in a mate, she can't handle any mate IMO.View Thread
Now am not on Seroquel of ANY type. I had a discussion with my psych about feeling as if something different might work better. I got the standard, "Well what have you been on in the past?," to which my response was, "I'm not sure what I have NOT been on." lol.
Short story is that now I'm on Latuda & Vistaril (in addition to Pristiq & valium & lamictal)....Odd, but the Vistaril does NOT seem to have an additive effect with the valium for me. I was afraid I'd be too sedated, but actually quite the opposite is the case. Works for me....as long as I do not get tooooo excited (to point of mania).
Thanks for all your replies & stuff Very much appreciate them, and I wish you ALL the very best!
Wow, yep, 700mg of regular Seroquel is a lot...I was taking that for a while (100mg in morning, 600mg at bedtime)..
Last night was my second night on the Seroquel XR, and I slept wayyyy too long....I think from about 10pm-430pm, and would still probably be asleep if someone had not knocked at the door.
I can NOT sleep that long every day, even though I'm disabled/retired military & have no job. I just can't. So, I'll take it tonight and see what happens, but Saturday night is not optional cuz I have to teach a Bible study Sunday morning....then I'll try it again Sunday night and call the doc Monday to see what the deal is I reckon.
Thank you sooo very much for responding I appreciate it very much. Best wishes to you! ~SView Thread
Hi ya all I mentioned in another post that my meds were changed today, and I'm now taking Seroquel XR vs. regular Seroquel.
Question: If by chance anyone here has been on each of these meds, what sort of differences did you notice, if any?
I was supposed to take it a few hours ago, but am so used to taking the regular stuff right before bed, I forgot...and am hoping it kicks in faster than I actually expect it to. Ah well, not like I have anything to do really.
Ya all take care & have the best day ya can !!!!!!!View Thread
Okies, so I saw my new psychiatrist today. I did better than I thought I would with it, thank goodness, and he was better than I expected. For about 3.5 weeks I've been cycling FAST, and have been super depressed for a few days now. We discussed a few medicine changes that took place around the first of the year, and together decided that I needed some adjustments. I had been totally off of Lamictal, and was using what was, for me, a very low dose of Seroquel. Well, we are restarting the Lamictal, and he gave me a month's worth of Seroquel XR samples. The guy was obviously trying to determine if I was in a state in which I might harm myself, which I am not, but I did appreciate the concern. I taught him a new acronym (new for him), that being SNAFU (Situation Normal, All F'd Up), and he literally just didn't get it at first....I had to explain lol. Poor guy. Obviously no military background or familiarity with terms soldier's use, but that's not unusual so no big deal.
That reminds me of a question I have for you ALL: Who is/was the arrogant SOB that had the audacity to write a definition for the word "normal."
Every person's "normal" is different, and there are so many variables involved, that I believe the answer to it in a mathematical sense is simply "no solution." lol. There can not be an accurate definition for the word as I see it. We are all just too different. Normality is, by my definition, an unattainable lie.
I want to head to the mountains of SE Kentucky, set up a tent on a ridge wayyy up a mountain, and live off the land for about a month. THAT would settle my silly butt down. All I need is a tent and a fishing pole, my knife, rifle, and pistol, & I'd be good to go. Ohhhh that would be so very nice. Drink out of fresh mountain streams & springs, hunt & fish for food...sit by a nice little fire in the evenings...snooze in the peace of the wilderness....the ONLY thing I'd need be at all concerned about would be snakes. I hate snakes. Hence the pistol....lol.
Had a nice nap this evening. Odd for me to take one, but it sure was nice. I feel it was due to taking that first dose of Lamictal but not sure. Hope to rest well tonight with the Seroquel XR....we'll see.
You all have a good evening/day/whatever Out for now.View Thread