I'm a bi-polar woman and I know my husband would be able to relate to a lot of what you said. I know through the worst of my episodes, I've had to write letters to him b/c my brain just won't push the words I want to say out of my mouth. When I'm having an episode, I will fight, yell, say things that are downright mean, stomp, cry, or anything else to manipulate the situation into being his fault. I attack him, sometimes without provacation, like he's the enemy. When I have a moment to catch my breath, so to speak, I feel so awful that I do want to curl up and die. That person isn't the real me even if, sometimes, I am powerless to stop it. Although it takes practice, I put myself in 'time out' if I feel like I'm going to be awful. I do deep breathing in a quiet room until I feel more in control of myself and can have a discussion with my husband. And, we have a walk away clause; if things are getting too out of hand, either one of us has the right to walk away from the table until we feel better.
I'm also a step-mom, so I can relate to having the children around. I'm not going to lie to you. It took a lot of work getting on the same page as far as dicipline, bedtimes, and the fact that I refused to be a short order cook for his kid. However, kids do need some limits and it's up to you both to work out those limits together. My only advice here is to pick your battles. Pushing in your chair after you finish eating and taking you plate to the sink might take a backseat to destroying your living room.
It's not just your guy who acts 'sweet' at sex time. My non-bi-polar husband pulls the same trick sometimes. Sometimes it helps to think of all the other little things he does as 'love' or 'sweet' like filling up the tank with gas or washing a load of clothes. Some men show their love by actions, not mushy words or gestures.
Lastly, you won't really ever understand what is going on in his head. I'm hypomanic but I do go through the cycles. I'm meanest as a manic and I'm a lump of dough as a depressive. The best way I can describe how it is...it's like a storm inside your head. If you look closely, you can actually see it happening, the ominous darkening of the sky and clouds gathering. When you are bi-polar, you can feel it comming on but you can't stop it and you don't know what it will be like when it gets there. Tornado or quick shower? Sun comming out afterwards or cloudy skies? If the sun comes out, will it make me manic? Medication and therapy do work to help even out the moods. However, it's not a cure all. Bi-polars do have the power to work on their issues and try to help manage their highs and lows.
My family doc would write me an rx for a setative before MRI b/c I have clostorphobia. Just thinking about it gives me the creeps. Since he did that, I never had to ask the imaging center if they could do it.
When my gyno found a lump in my left breast, we never even bothered with an MRI. He thought it was BAD and sent me straight to a surgeon. I had a lumpectomy and, thankfully, it wasn't cancer even though my gyno said it showed like a cancer lump.
Not to sound hurtful but, is this really a good relationship for you? Sometimes we have friends who hurt us over and over but we keep going back wanting a different result. If it hurts you, maybe it would be easier to let this friendship fall away.View Thread
Talked to my therapist and pdoc about how I'd been feeling. Pdoc suggested I deffer school for a while since the planning has started such a tail-spin but I refuse to quit. Since being on SSA, I haven't done anything with my life. I need to get out into the world. I feel like, if I don't go out into the world, I'll be trapped in the house forever. There does come a point, I think, where it becomes too comfortable to curl up with your illness and block out the rest of the world. So of like staying with the monster you know instead of the monster you don't know. Anyway, I asked for more support from all docs and received an increase on my mood stablizer and anti-anxiety meds as well as extra appointments. I also have an appointment with the school's counseling center and registered with the office of disabilities.
I'm still feeling crazy and chaotic but having a 'plan' makes me feel better. No longer surfing the web for pro-suicide sites and I feel safer now. Even better is that none of the docs forced me into the hospital.
I'm a yoga lover and this helps me a lot when I need a second to compose myself. I lay down on my bed (couch, floor, recline the seat of my car) and put one hand on my chest and one on my stomach. I focus all of my energy and though on drawing breath in through my nose and blowing out of my mouth. I focus on the rise and fall of my body as I breathe. It takes practive but you'll learn how to block out the intrusive thoughts and just focus on breathing. You may even be able to get your son to do it with you, if you make a game of it.
To answer, I do have anxiety meds which I can use up to 3 times per day. I've also found that deep breathing from yoga can help relieve my symptoms. The on-line option for classes is a good suggestion but, since I'm entering as a senior, they don't offer those classes on-line.
I think I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself about the whole 'what do I want to be when I grow up' thing. The choices seem endless and I've been obsessive in my search for options. My mind seems caught up in this loop of failure vs. sucess, undergrad vs. grad school, career vs. trade, and the ever-present worries about kids, time, and money.
On the bright side, I have a therapy appointment this afternoon and she the pdoc on Friday.View Thread
I'm new to the discussion group but I hope you guys may be able to offer some support. I'm bi-polar II and suffer from agoraphobia as well. I have been unable to work since 2009. I've been seeing a therapist, a shrink, and am medically compliant. I've made a LOT of progress in the last few years.
I've recently been accepted to college to complete my degree and my financial aid is in place. However, as the start date gets closer, I feel more and more anxious. My anxiety is running on high and I can't get it under control. I'm not able to sleep or eat. I want to cry, quit, scream, and stomp all at the same time. I'm even 'crazy cleaning'.
I thought I was happy about going back to school. Why does the idea of buying school supplies make me break out in a cold sweat with my heart racing wildly?View Thread
In my state (Virginia) you can not get SS and unemployment because unemployment is for folks who can and will work if they find a job. Disability and ss implies you are unable to work due to your disability.
Disability is very hard to get. I became disabled in Oct 2009. It took more than 1 year and over $11,000 in legal fees to get my benefits. Not everyone hires a lawyer but I decided to do it. However, in that year I waited, I had no income at all and had to pay out of pocket for my health insurance b/c my husband's insurance had a waiting period for mental disorders.
I'm not trying to discourage you. The back pay I got from ss paid my lawyer and some of my hospital bills. And now, I have that check comming in each month. However, not being able to work opened up a whole new can of worms for me too.View Thread