I was binging on buttery popcorn for a couple of months until I had my gum surgery and switched to ice cream, then potato chips ( I hid those) BUT I am going to bed right after I eat so I can stop eating. I sleep 12-13 hours since I am going to bed so early.
When I wake up I eat breakfast (good), eat low-calorie lunch (good), then I get home ummmmâ€¦and eat a lot of snacks and consume them quite quickly I might add like I haven't eaten all day (but they are healthy snacks now that there is no junk food in the house) but then I eat big portions for dinner (not so healthy comfort food for the last week or so) which makes me feel good to eat so I am not depressed while eating and not depressed while sleeping.
I am just tired and mildly depressed all the time and I have gained some weight again. Duh!!!!! I am so mad at myself for not knowing this sooner. So in therapy I will come true about my binge eating and try to get help with this. It's embarrassing to admit I am a little piggy in secret though she can tell that by looking at me. Everyone in my family is overweight. I did open my window blinds today at work to let the sunshine in and it did help but I am very hungry. I think.
Cookie — Thank you! I miss the daily post. Goat — Glad you are enjoying life Michele — Can you spare some energy for an ole' gal? Kitty — Better late than never "Congrats" on being a grandmother
Weather: Hot wet sauna but better than drought Sleep: Too much 12-13 hours a day for about the last 3-4 months Mood: Both anxious and depressed but I don't feel very depressed — odd. Plans: Back to therapy Thursday. Will join knitting ministry at church soon.
Thank you for starting this discussion. I'll just start by saying that I am angry. I am so angry at him for taking his own life because he seemed to have been given so much of it, maybe not any more than anyone else, but he gave so much of his energy and gave me years of laughter so I could break away from my own depression at times. From what I read about him he was kind to everyone and generous with what he had. He had beauty inside and out. Was there anything more that anyone could have said about him to have encouraged him to save his own life.
I understand what it is to be severely depressed and suicidal. My husband and I have counted 3 suicide attempts over the last 30 years — 2 that appear to be accidental but suicidal all the same (similar to one of my all-time favorite actors, Philip Seymour Hoffman, whose death by overdose also made me angry). We have been married for over 30 years and have great love for each other yet because of severe depression that wasn't enough and then again I was not seeking therapy or taking the necessary medications during those times. I know this from experience that rage and self-hate can result in suicide. I can't image anything that would make Robin Williams hate himself to the point of destroying his sense of self-worth except for depression.
Maybe he didn't take his depression seriously at the onset. At times, like many, I dupe myself into thinking that depression is just one of life's obstacles to overcome and is easy to step around if only I try hard enough, and why not I am revived with good days that put an end to all my sadness, but when severe depression returns and takes over my ability to think rationally about myself it weakens my mind and body keeps me down and alone and often I cannot receive enough encouragement from others to find my way out of despair because I cannot trust others to accept me and count on them to spend time with me when I am depressed. Depression keeps me silent and embarrassed — and scared. Maybe that is how he felt.
I agree with most that because he reached out for support, had the love of many, and had the resources to help fight his depression there was reason enough for him to hope for recovery and even I want to blame him and not his depression for giving up. I want to blame myself and feel angry when I think on my own attempts and how easy it was for me to give up when I could have reached out for support, but to reach out for support can make a person feel weak tiresome burdensome. We don't want to disappoint those around us they expect us to be strong and supportive our usual resilient selves we cannot allow ourselves to fail.
Though some view suicide as failure and a cop-out others view suicide as a way out of the unbearable feeling of gloom and hopelessness — who wants to live that way and who wants to feel the embarrassment and shame of being seen as less and emotionally dependent. Regardless, I do not approve of suicide as a solution to life's problems. Suicide only adds to the stigma of mental illness and a reluctance for those suffering to ask for help. We could save lives if we would only encourage ourselves and others to end the shame, the stigma and the silence of mental illness.View Thread
I just want to say that I am awfully sorry you're not feeling well.
In the midst of my worst psychotic episode I was fully functional but not safe!
You are a dear sweet woman and I want to encourage you and your husband to go back to your doctors and follow their recommendations. Don't despair. I am always afraid of letting my husband down even though he says I don't and I sometimes feel my husband has more credibility than I do with my doctors. BUT, because he is there to speak out, my Seroquel was changed to Latuda and since then I don't live in a fog and I can tolerate a higher dose on Latuda than I could on Seroquel. I don't know if it helps with mania I can't tell whether the medication is working for that or if I'm not symptomatic. I am off and on mildly depressed, but I don't talk to myself and act it out incessantly (well just a wee bit lately) and I am not constantly slammed with negative and paranoid thinking all of that just stopped when I started taking Latuda.
You might ask your doctor if he/she would consider letting you try Latuda. Only problem is, there is no generic and some insurance companies don't cover the medication. It's too bad. I think a lot of people might benefit from taking it if not just for the fact that it is weight neutral. I have to find an independent insurance program and my first priority is to find out if Latuda is covered. Just some things to think about.
Just to add the reason I am looking for an independent insurance program is because my husband wants to look for another job but feels he is tied to his job because of the insurance and me and my medications. I'm on his insurance because my employer doesn't offer insurance. Now, how can I not feel that I let him down or that I am a burden to him. Because independent insurance may be unaffordable, I also want to look for another job that offers insurance but I do not have the confidence to interview. We feel trapped in our situation but not hopeless because we have choices although not the choices we want to choose from.
Stay safe and just remember that God loves you, he is for you and not against you. Keep posting we are here for you too. Lots of hugs sent your way. View Thread
Welcome to the board. I think it's great that you have supported your husband all these years. A book to read for more information about bipolar disorder is The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide by David J. Miklowitz, PhD. I don't know if making up stories and being secretive are bipolar symptoms for your husband, but it sounds like he needs to find another psychiatrist to re-evaluate his treatment plan. Good luck in your search.View Thread
Welcome to the board. I would hope your husband wouldn't be released until he the doctors make sure he is on the right combination of meds to improve his behavior. Also, it would be helpful if the stress level at home was kept at a minimum and he would agree to attend AA or some support group where he wouldn't want to drink while he is taking his medications. It wouldn't hurt to give him some ultimatums before he gets released.View Thread
Welcome to the board. You may feel that this illness has taken everything from you but it hasn't. You can manage this illness and not let it manage you by continuing to work closely with your doctors and therapist and by educating yourself and your family about bipolar disorder. Support groups like this one can help too. A good book for you and your husband to read together is The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide by David J. Miklowitz, PhD.
I don't worry about feeling normal I just want to feel good and be able to function well.View Thread
It's unfortunate that your husband had to stab himself to get help and be diagnosed. Separate yourself, physically, from your husband's raging if you can because your post gives the impression that he could be dangerous to both himself and you. Be with others as much as you can so you're not so isolated.
If your husband is willing to see a psychologist and take medications then he will eventually turn from his denial and his mental health will improve, but that doesn't mean you have to take his abuse while he is trying to get well. You are doing right to continue with your therapy and education so you can take care of yourself.View Thread
I can relate to the Seroquel weight gain. Depressed if you don't take it, stuck and irritable if you do. I quit taking it.
My husband and I have different work schedules and it is difficult to make time to talk so our passing conversations are often impulses where we try to control each other because our lives seem to be going in different directions and that's when the little jabbing comments surface. Do you have some way to let go of your anger in a constructive way?
We all need to make time for daily self-nurturing activities (other than eating) according to my therapist so we don't suffer for that weekend get-a-way. Your wife should not object to that. Also, try to find a self-nurturing activity that you can share with your wife that will give you both a chance to talk.
Sounds like both you and your wife need to get away. Take a break.View Thread