I hope you are well. I just read something you posted about prescribing Vybanse for Bipolar Depression. Well, my doctor did that very thing and the trouble is, it worked . Seriously though, my concern actually is how quickly and how well it worked. A quick background: I had an 8 year period of high functionality. I was (for the latter of those 8 years) a fun, busy, homeschooling mom, with a clean, kept house and I was, for the most part, stable (but not medicated). Then, 3 years ago, I had a bizarre psychotic mania. I was not medicated and it lasted greater than half a year. This was followed by a VERY long major depression. In the last 3 years, I can certainly count on one hand my months of stability. A little over two years ago my depression became so bad that I could hardly get off the couch. I behaved like I was a different person. It effected my relationships, parenting, and the condition of my home. Typical, yes. The trouble is, in the few short manias and the few times of stability, I was never able to regain structure and maintain stability. Well, recently, my psychiatrist tried an anti-depressant but it didn't help. So, a few weeks ago, he prescribed Vybanse. I started it on a Tues or Wed and that Friday my mom came over and helped me to get my home back in order. Well my beautiful home, which had honestly and literally been consistently very messy and often even dirty, has stayed clean and organized since my mom helped me and I am spending quality time with my kiddos. That may not sound like a long time, but when you look at what it was, it is huge. I am up and moving CONSTANTLY and I'm not glued to the couch anymore. My mood has improved significantly also. I had plans of suicide when I went in his office a few weeks ago. Now, my thoughts of suicide are further and further apart and I feel stable more than depressed more of the time. I saw my psychiatrist today and we talked about it. I don't feel manic, I feel normal and I seem that way to my husband and doctor as well. His only concern was my sleep because it isn't where it should be. Do you think that this medicine could have done this? I am honestly feeling like one big faker. I am feeling like this is a theoretical placebo drug for me because there is no way one drug could make such a difference. But at the same time, I can't figure out how my biggest problems were relieved practically overnight. Thanks for your patience in the length of this paragraph. Do you have any thoughts?
I wrote this for my new therapist who asked me for examples of my negative thinking. It is graphic and contains triggers (including religious triggers) so don't read it if you are in a bad spot. I wrote this when I was feeling particularly desperate and hopeless so it is both whiny and pitiful, but it also expresses my sorrow well. I want to share.
Her thoughts from the driver's seat are callous. There, in the back seat, sits a beautiful, innocent child sharing every sweet thought that enters her bright little mind. But, all she can think of is how much she wants this child to shut up, how she wishes this child would quit burdening her. More than that, she thinks of how badly she wants to slit her own throat. She arrives at her house, puts her kids to bed. Her husband is working late, something he has done many times lately, leaving her alone with her thoughts, leaving her alone with terror and aching pain. She sits down at her computer and turns on worship music, something of which she wishes she could still relate. "And we are his portion and he is our prize." But she can't relate. Instead, she grieves for herself and the life she should have. After so much time, one would think she would grow past this grieving but instead, it plagues her. She begins to loathe herself. She hates the fact that her relationship with the Lord is not right. She longs for Jesus and the relationship she once had with him. And she knows him still. She knows all about his grace and his mercy. She remembers sitting in awe of his presence and his perfect peace and his all encompassing beauty. But she doesn't know how to grab her faith again. She doesn't know where to begin. She contemplates suicide. She thinks that God is a God of forgiveness and since she does in fact still believe in Jesus surely she will be saved. She begins to justify her biggest deterrent. She has already rationalized everything else. She knows that she is, at best, terribly inadequate as a wife and mother. She is selfish and very, very despondent. Even showering is a challenge. She just doesn't care. She hates having such a debilitating mental illness, she feels sorry for herself some more. She wishes she could cry. She can never cry, of course, until she finally does and sobs uncontrollably, wails wildly. She moves on. "Get it together girl. People have it so much worse." She hates herself for being so negative. Why does she have the right to feel sorry for herself? She knows she doesn't really. She just wishes she were different. She just wants to be good. She imagines herself hanging from a rope. It makes her queasy. It makes her queasy because she knows that it could be reality. It is up to her and it is in her control. The thought doesn't even scare her anymore. She plays games in her head. "If the light is green, I live, if it is red, I die." The only end in her vision is her end. She feels like a leach. She is pleading for help but she thinks it's hopeless. It can't be hopeless.View Thread
I haven't taken my anti-psychotic in about 2 weeks due to refill issues (it has now been refilled). I am still taking lithium so I thought (think?) I would be fine. I missed my evening meds last night and so I hardly slept. Then today I was out driving and I drove to the boat docks at the river. It was closed off due to snow and I thought what if I drove through the barrier and into the river. Then I laughed hysterically. I am still laughing about it and it's not funny, ha! I continued to drive aimlessly and speedily and boldly. I am not sure if I am behaving nervously or if I am becoming manic or if this is just an off day but I feel giddy and daring. Sorry for rambling for such a small question but you get the gist and the reason for the question. I thought I would be fine to not take the Abilify until I saw my doctor (about 10 more days) and then discuss the possibility of coming off of it altogether. Is this a bad idea? Should I go ahead and start it again? If so, how many mg of Abilify would I start taking? Can I just start a full dose again?
Thank you Dr. G! I think I will go ahead and wait on the Abilify like I had planned but perhaps give my doctor a call to see what he thinks. I am still not sure if I have just had nervous energy from lack of sleep or if something is actually going on. So, I guess I will see. Thanks again.View Thread