Hello. I'm new here. I poked around this area after it was brought to my attention that I am bipolar, but recent events have catalyzed me to make my first post here. I've got quite a story for you, and I could really use a friendly and understanding ear. ( Well, eye...)
To introduce myself, I'm Kaye, 20 years old. Nice to meet you.
As a reiterated heads up, some of the things I'm going to talk about will definitely qualify as triggers for some. Proceed no further past this point if that is going to be an issue for you.
So. It was first brought to my attention that I might be bi-polar by my friends last summer. They added up things I was talking about, with the way I was acting. In hindsight, a week with about an hour of sleep each day and being totally fine might be a rather large tip off among all the other things. Then though, I thought the idea was ridiculous. I felt fine, I felt great. They were worrying about me when I was just so good. Sound familiar to anybody?
So I put it out of my mind, and I slowly wafted down from that unstoppable high lightly and was good for a while. I moved to Wyoming with my mother and younger siblings who I was living with. Cheaper to do college that way. I started college in Wyoming, and slowly started to sink.
I have dealt with depression most of my life, and until recently, I had some very powerful ways to deal with it. This time however, something had changed. It was much worse, and caught off guard, depression claimed me. I started to skip classes, I spent most of my time in my room, lights off. I was wallowing in it, in self-despising, self defeating, depression. I began to contemplate suicide. A lot.
After one night when my mom yelled at me for neglecting to do all the things I should be doing, (school, chores, etc. All the things I had stopped doing because I was so depressed, ) I snapped. I waited for the family in the house to leave to get food, wrote a quick goodbye note and sent it to my friends, and went to end it. I was frantic and stupid with emotion and luckily managed to not do much harm to myself before I heard the car pull up and I quickly stopped to try again when everyone was in bed, this time with a legitimate plan.
About 15 minutes later, the police showed up at my house, courtesy of my extremely worried friends. They saw the cuts I managed to give myself and took me to the hospital. After some examining the hospital sent me to the "Behavioral Health Unit."
I've always had very strong fears of ending up in such a place, but really it wasn't so bad there minus it being way too cold and sharing a room with someone who snored louder than I could imagine possible. There were some really nice people there, and being there really helped me put some things into perspective, and realize more viscerally than just knowing that I wasn't alone with the problems I was having.
I got discharged early with a scrip for 30 prozac and directions for a follow up visit. So I took them, and watched myself. Near the end of the bottle I was feeling fantastic. I neglected to bother to go to the follow up visit, and therefor neglected to take any more prozac.
A month went by and I was feeling better and better and better. My friends were starting to worry about me again, and I was starting to become easily annoyed with them. One thing led to another and I ended up leaving them, burning several bridges in the process.
( Character limit. Continued on next post. )View Thread
So here's a quick update. I made it to SC, with my dad and stepmom, been here for about 2 weeks. Transferred my health insurance, met my new primary care provider, and got a referral. I've been fighting with my parents here a lot because apparently even though I'm doing everything I can do, I'm not doing enough for them and "They won't support me doing nothing." I've also been examining some online college courses, because we're moving here soon, although that's been difficult because they won't let me use the house internet. I don't really know what they expect, this stuff takes time and I haven't been here that long. I haven't even had enough time for the hurt I'm feeling over being kicked out to fade.
My parents don't even want me to bring up that previous therapists and counselors have been discussing bi-polar. They say I'm not. They aren't saying anything so overt, but I'm getting the feeling that they think I'm trying to "Use bi-polar as a fake diagnosis that will allow me to be lazy" or something like that.
I've been having strong feelings that I won't get any understanding in this setting, and have already been trying to make arrangements or understand processes I can go through to leave here too. I will check out those suggested books 'n things though and see how those work first.View Thread
I totally feel you on all those car annoyances. 90% of the people on the road appear to be rude idiots. Driving always leaves me tensed up and sometimes cussing and fuming. (I'm much like my father in this way. I never understood until I got behind the wheel myself lol. )
I don't let it affect my driving though. I'm actually a pretty safe driver for my age. Although I learned just last night that Mania The Offspring driving = bad combination. Was so caught up in the music I didn't even realize I was going 60 down a 35 lol. It was at 11 at night though and nobody was on the road so everything was fine View Thread
This is a big reply to all of you who've replied so far, thank you
I've talked to her more yesterday, trying to explain to her why what she was doing wasn't a good idea for me. In response I got something along the lines of, "Well, I can't watch so closely over you to make sure you do what you need to do, but your dad (who I'm moving to) can." and, "You're setting a bad example for your little brothers."
I think maybe that's fair? It still is a really big roadblock but, I mean, what can I say to that? It's true. Maybe it will be better for me to uproot now while nothing has really gotten quite started. It's just going to be a pain to get it all going again.
I feel like I really need to hurry and get onto the best path to cope/control this problem. Right now, it feels like I'm spiraling out of control, (well actually at this very moment I feel fine, but a week ago... ugh. x.x I have a friend who has some serious depression and he says to me "Well at least you also get good feelings." Pfff, yeah right, cause having your mind so pointlessly busy you start to twitch is a good feeling. anyways...)
@BipolarVet- I've had a good amount of time to really come to grips with it. When I first realized how very well my behaviors fit bi-polar, I had a crying breakdown right in the middle of school x.x But I'm getting passed the crap. It sucks. I hate this. But I'm going to do what I need to do, you know?View Thread
Thank you cookie I do have pretty good friends. I think their annoyances with me will heal in time. I just need to take some time away from them, let them be, so all of that old annoyance fades.
What's most frustrating is she thinks she's helping me even though I've labeled out how she's hindering me by doing this. There's not much that can be done about it now though. I'll just have to restart where I'm headed to next.View Thread
I later came to regret it, but shortly after learned that they had become very tired of dealing with me, worrying about me. So I didn't try to reconcile. I figured it was best to just leave them alone. I had drove them away, and I still don't see a way to make any of that better.
Next semester for college was open to be signed up for. I couldn't though. I was very scared that I would be turned down, I had missed about half of last semester after all. I was ashamed about it so I lied and told my mom I had signed up.
I went to where I was supposed to get a follow up visit, starting to think that, "Hey, Maybe I really am bipolar, might as well go in and get checked by a professional." The place is called Peak Wellness and it has a fairly easy walk-in arrangement.
I visited one of their therapists about the potential signs I was showing, and she thought that, yes, I probably was bi-polar, especially since it was my friends that were showing the most concern. An appointment was made with another Peak Wellness therapist.
It was weeks away and my mind was buzzing. Overactive to the point I couldn't sit still, I couldn't even keep a thought, it was like my brain was thinking a thousand things at once all at the same time, cluttering full of junk. The only thing that could make it better was rambling to what friends I had left. I felt pretty active and started looking for jobs in the area that I could do while I wasn't in school.
The next therapist I visited basically said, "We can get you a psychiatrist, but not as fast as this other organization, you should go visit them." He wasn't much help, but I decided his advice was good enough and made plans to call up these other people.
Now we have caught up to the present, and what really hurts. My mom found out that I wasn't going to college on the day I was going to go apply for jobs. Way before, she told me I could stay as long as I was either in school or had a job.
She decided that even though I was in the process of getting a job, she was going to kick me out. I try to explain to her, I try to tell her that I really need her support right now, that she's directly impeding on my getting through this issue with my brain. I have a therapist, I have a doctor appointment in a couple weeks, I have jobs lined up. She doesn't care. I need to be out of the house in 6 days.
I'm lost! I don't know what to do! I feel like I can barely control this crap that's going on in my head. I know I need a doctor, and I feel like I need one asap, but now I have to worry about where the heck am I going to go! What will happen next?!
To anyone that got this far in this. Thank you for reading. I really needed to get this off my chest.View Thread