I love these posts!! I agree with soooo many of everyone else's pet peeves! The whole anger thing someone mentioned is true. I can feel it now, there is a certain physical sensation that goes with it, so now I can warn my kids, Mama is having one of those days, so unless you want me to go off on you really bad, toe the line. But I also have a problem with not only people trying to downplay the disease, but also trivializing the symptoms. We know how much it sucks. I am rapid cycling, so everything will be moving so fast in my head, and it is frustrating. And when I try to say what's going on to someone who cares for me and they trivialize it, it hurts me. It feels like they don't believe me. Oh, and people who are so nice to me and treat me like I am a china doll. That just makes me feel more pathetic than I can tell myself on a regular basis!View Thread
First my backstory. I have apparently been bipolar II all of my life, but was only diagnosed a year ago. Before that I would occassionally get treatment for depression. In August of 2011, my world as I knew it fell apart. I started having headaches every day, days where I couldn't get oout of bed, and started going to work without make up. If you knew me, you would know that's a big deal. I thought I had a brain tumor or something, and went and got a neurologist and everything. All of my tests were normal, it was my depression. Finding that out crushed me and broke my spirit. I have had a traumatic life, and have always considered my self an in spite of it all person. I had great strenght, and joy in my soul. I don't have that anymore.
I had two 6 wk IOP stints with about three months between them. I could not return to work after the second one. I was in bad shape. Through this time, my husband was loving, caring, and supportive. He attended sessions with me, and tried his hardest to understand. Then as time went on, his patience waned. He began to miss the me that kept the house clean, prepared meals, and basically ran the household alone because of the hours he worked. When I decided to return to school as a way to motivate myself and boost my self-confidence, he became resentful.And verbally and mentally abusive.
Well that made me mad because here I was fighting the good fight every day, and he was putting me down because I still wasn't cleaning the house, preparing meals every day, and not grocery shopping. Now I can't explain why, but grocery shopping gives me severe anxiety. I think it's all the decisions. He was mad at me for going to school. He said he never wanted me to do it, he just agreed to shut me up.
I really was a mess, and in a lot of ways still am. Those of you who have this illness know that sometimes every single day is a battle waiting to be won. And some days you lose. I was very forgetful, and had a lot of apathy. I messed us up financially by forgetting to pay bills and not keep track of the check book. Our credit really got screwed up because of the loss of income and my neglect. However, I did ask him to help me. Several times.
I decided enough was enough and we needed an honest conversation. I was not prepared for the conclusion of the conversation. What started out with me telling him that I didn't appreciate his judgemental way of speaking to me, and how lonely I felt ended with him saying he was moving out.
I had thought we were going to work on it together. He has been gone a month now.We have been talking every day and seeing each other at least once a week. We would even hug and kiss. I thought it was a foregone conclusion that we would get back together. Then I asked him the other night if he had had any revalations about how he felt about me, and he said no. Well, that brought all of my positive thinking to a screeching halt. After a month? Really?
So today. It was coming, inevetably after that conversation. I hit the down and I hit it hard. I skipped school and chose to go to bed. I didn't want to face the world today. But because I really want to have my rock, I reached out to him. He gave me the speech about skipping school-blah blah blah. Like I don't know its not good. I'm depressed, not stupid. So, because I have had suicidal tendencies, and episodes of over-medicating in the past, he decided he wanted to come over and make sure I wasn't lying to him when I said I wasn't goimg to do anything.
What a mistake that was. The first thing he said was that I shouldn't have skipped school. That I was getting off to a bad start with this semester. Then the conversation evolved. He is angry. I keep pressuring him. He has nothing to show for his money that he works so hard for. He never even wanted this house. I still don't care because last week when he came over for his weekly visit with the kids, I didn't make dinner. (I was ill from the meal I had made the night before)
Betzy11, It is hard to find peace with your diagnosis sometimes! I will say this, I can tell now that I am on the right balance of medications that my moods and ability to control them are better. I used to have outbreaks of rage and when they passed, I couldn't figure out why I had reacted like that. That doesn't happen anymore. Just find a way to love yourself. I am sometimes still upset and feel like my brain/mind has failed me, but that simply is not true. With our illness comes gifts, too. Hang in there!View Thread
It's tue oddly enough. I have a discussion on here because my husband left me. It was supposed to be a trial separation, but I don't think that is the direction it is actually heading. However, him leaving was a huge wake up call in many ways. I have two children to take care of, and letting them down right now is not an option. Somehow, knowing that no one is here to take care of me has made me a little stronger. Don't get me wrong, I could really use someone to hold me when I cry sometimes, but there is no one, so I just cry alone. I have regrets about my behavior during the last year of our marriage, but on the other hand, I do have an illness. Could I have pushed myself a little harder? Sure, but I didn't want to, so I didn't. So, maybe if he realizes how much there really is to lose, he may decided to find the strength to help himself get more balance in him mind and life. This bipolar stuff is tricky, for everyone involved.View Thread
Thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences and well wishes. It is good to know that I am not alone. I don't know where things between my husband and I are headed. I have decided that I cannot handle his flip flop behavior. He tells me that he is not in love with me and does not want to be married to me, but calls me several times a day, sends me text messages and always asks me what I am doing. I think that he does that because he is trying to gauge my mental health, and even though he said he was tired of having to worry about me, he can't help himself. However, I have decided that I am not putting myself in a position to be hurt any longer. His attitude has really made me think about what I deserve, and what I am worth. And I feel that he has been dishonest with me too many times for me to be able to trust him. He neglected to tell me for two years that he wasn't in love with me anymore, he let me make plans for a date he didn''t even want to have, and then after years of rare sexual activity, came over, had sex with me, said it was a start, and basically said he would be moving back home soon. Then all the next week he did not make any forward motion in our relationship, and on Valentine's day he did not even come to see me, but instead went to spend it with his brother and his girlfriend because they were grilling steak. At that point, I decided that I am not waiting around for him to gt his head out of his butt. All of this has greatly affected my depression. In one way, I am doing well because I am doing things that need to be done and caring for my children, but on the other hand, all I want to do is find my cave. It is so hard to have to put on the brave front for the children, who I must say are handling this like champs.
I have made the decision not to return to school because I am too far behind, and I don't have the focus right now to do the work. It upsets me, but feel that I have made a sound decision. also, I had my dog put to sleep earlier this week. He has always had some quirks, and acted a little aggressive, seemed more like intimidating to me, but he went after my son while they were playing and that is something I cannot handle. I consulted two vets, and they both gave me the same advice, so again, a sound yet incredibly painful decision.
So, that's where I am today on this beautifully grey Saturday mrning!!View Thread
Yeah, you get to have happy thoughts sometimes And sometimes you get to have so many thoughts it feels like your brain is spinning fast enough to take off like a rocket! My advice? Well, I got my official diagnosis about twenty years too late in my life to save me a lot of misery. Keep going to the docs, and find one you can have an honest relationship with. That is so important. And if you can, ask your Mom to go with you. Maybe if the doctor explains what it is that your are experiencing, she may be a little more understanding. Also, you should try to return to college rather than the work force. Finding a field you enjoy will be paramount to your success. I am just now returning, and I have been acting out the last week, but I plan to get back to it. The thing is, before I had my bbreakdown, I hated my job. We are special people, and sometimes I found it difficult to try and fit my unique shape into the square holes! Hang in there honey, you still have a lot of living to do. That's what I tell myself, and so far, I have made it a pretty convincing argument!View Thread
We have set a time limit of two more months. I have already struggled with the limbo time of this month. He did say that he knew he is not in love with me anymore, but still loves and cares for me. He wants to wait and see if he can find the rest of it again. Frankly, I feel aggravated. Want to move on with my life, hate to throw in the towel on a sixteen year marriage. I skipped classes again today. I am going to bust my butt to make sure I end up with good grades. Thing is, I think I can see a positive future, but have no idea how to get there, which makes it just feel like pressure. Also, having wonderful terrible sleep, and we all know how good that is for us. Even though they bring me joy, a little hard to care for children right now.View Thread