Thanks for the warning, I didn't know that....but I'm not that lucky. After 4.5 oz 70 proof, 1(or2mg) Ativan, 150mg trazadone, 450 lithium an hour and a half ago, all I have is no sleep and my heart just pounding away. Yippie for me. Thanks again for replying.View Thread
Ok, just got back from my pdoc and am totally pissed. I spent yesterday with my Tdoc crying feeling hopeless. She was glad to hear I was going to see my pdoc the next day. So I have been getting very little good sleep and have been down the last week or so. I just went back on lithium 2 weeks ago "to see if it was doing anything" (according to pdoc) . So I show up today and tell him how down I've been the past week, not sleeping, just wanting to quit fighting for everything. He told me that we have to start looking at what's biological and what's self. So basically what I took out of the rest of the conversation was that he wasn't changing any of my meds, he felt my therapist would help me with this. He said that I'm very "smart" and that if I was maybe 40 IQ points lower I wouldn't be reacting this way to the stresses in life. That I'm a "bright" person and need to remember that. I need to think of everyday as positive and go in with an attitude of happy every day. I said I understand I have to make some changes, but i told him I'm done fighting ( meaning fighting to get good sleep, fighting to be the person I used to be, fighting to keep my job, fighting for a life I don't see changing) he tells me I need to stop fighting myself and give in to allowing happiness. I again said Its not about fighting myself, I'm talking about fighting for sleep etc. he said its 2 different things, but never addressed what I was saying.
So now I have taken from this conversation, its not meds its all my fault now. So to top off being tired (of fighting), I feel like he's not listening to what I'm saying. If he's not changing my meds then It's all me and I'm just too tired to put forth the effort. he kept saying he can get me the sleep, but its not that tired I'm talking about..anyone understand? theres more than just sleepy tired. I have 0 hope my life will be "normal" again, and I don't like who I've become and what my life is like. Yes, i know i can try to change that, but that takes effort, motivation, drive...none of which i have anymore...i surrender. They tell me I have control over this but I don't feel like i do (or have the strength to do it). As I put it to my Tdoc, I'm tired of fighting for a life that I don't see changing, I'm tired of fighting to keep a job I don't want anymore but need (for insurance), I'm tired of fighting to get good sleep and never quite getting there, and I'm tired of "this" whatever it is. I'm done and don't want this anymore. He sends me out with the same meds/amts as before and tells me to work on changing my attitude. So I'm pissed that (as I thought) nothing is going to change. I went for a drive on country roads (85mph) and hoped something would happen, since I have no fight in me to follow thru either. I came home had 3 shots of vodka, and am going to follow his advice to continue taking the pills as usual. He said I can take a few more Ativan if I need to to sleep. Which I plan to do along with the sleeping pills and the alcohol. I started a new drinking game, every time he uses the word "smart" or tells me I need to be constantly "challenged" I get to drink a shot of vodka. 3 times he said it in the 20 minutes I was there (may have said it more but tuned him out a bit) so i took care of that when I came home, now off to bed.
Just needed to vent and as I thought, this is all my fault and nothing's going to change. Thank for listening to my "woe is me" story.View Thread
Hum. Didn't know that. He started me on it when I first came to him for depression and had 0 luck with Wellbutrin & Abilify from my last dr who i had been seeing for major depression while in a PHP. Found out later that my last doc had been putting bipolar nos on my insurance but had never specifically discussed it with me. My uncle is bipolar I, but takes no meds or therapy for it; refusing to believe it. I came to current doc being depressed and I started cymbalta. It has worked good for my depression, but now the swings are getting worse as time is going on. The big irritability is newer(months)and getting more and more out of control. I will talk with him about the cymbalta. I can say I hear that the discontinuation of it can suck to say the least. I did at one point stop cold turkey and plummeted quickly. So I would not look forward to stopping it, but the mean part of this has to go or I lose my job...and game over for me anyway. Thanks again for the thought. I feel like I might actually get somewhere soon. Happy weekend!View Thread
Thank you SO MUCH. I will definitely talk with him about these. I know both of those he has brought up to me before but for different reasons.
I know depakote can make you gain weight, what about seroquel? I refuse to go on anything else that will add weight. Currently he has me on Cymbalta, lithium, trazadone(for sleep mostly) and Ativan occasionally. Is the Seroquel something that would replace the Cymbalta or would it be more likely to be added to the others?
As for the alcohol, a few weeks ago I was drinking a bit during one of these angry streaks and I decided to stop my meds cold turkey. That was also pure impulse to stop and once I was "rational" again I went back on and stopped drinking.
Thanks Dr. G. These explosions and (almost) rage seem to happen when I'm down, having trouble sleeping, and dont want to be here. Now it's just a knee jerk reaction that surprises me. I am the most peaceful and respectful person, and having this happen is against who I thought I was. I know I need to work on positive coping techniques and my therapist is starting to work with me on them, but I'm realistic in thinking its going to take me a while to put them to work and stop all the outbursts as he wants. I just don't think I have it in me to fight this or my boss right now. Is it really worth all the effort? I have 2more visits with my doc and then my insurance won't pay anymore, can't afford him out of pocket. So will have to start over with someone at a county clinic. Like I said...no more fight left in me.
I appreciate this (and my other post) response. Night all.View Thread
So today I had my annual performance rating with my supervisor. He is aware I've been "sick" and the last medical paperwork he has said it was depression. When I was in his office, he told me that my attitude is not acceptable. That the times I blow up or show my anger (throwing my reports onto his desk) is not something he puts up with. He said he's concerned that if I'm doing that with him then I might be doing it with customers or my other staff(which I'm not). He told me he will be watching me this year and doesn't want to see that any more. He also said he will be talking with my employees and making sure I'm not making them uncomfortable. He then told me that I should let the staff in on what I've been diagnosed with and that might help them understand why I am acting different.
Friends: My question is this. Has anyone gone thru something like this at work? What do I do about this. I am working on controlling it but when I'm on my roller coaster the "filter" is not always there. I can't guarantee its not going to happen again. I'm looking at seeing If i can get any help thru ADA.i have an appt with them on Monday to see if some accommodations might help. I have asked my supervisor to go part-time which helps relieve some of the stress triggering my outbursts but my request was denied by my supervisor. I'm at a loss on how to save my job and still work on finding the right combo of meds and therapy. HELP! I can't afford to lose my job (and the health insurance). My mood dropped dramatically this past week and this sent me into a bad place right now. I'm not seeing a way out
Dr. G: Are there any meds that can keep me calm for now until I can learn to control it better? Right now I just want to be the zombie with no emotions .
Sorry to rant, I just don't know what to do and have no family support.View Thread
Thanks for the replies. I was trying to figure out if telling a guy friend who wants to now date me (and I him) is a good thing. He knew I was depressed but nothing about the BP. He certainly didn't understand depression (yes he used the terms get over it, that's life, and just go...you need to go to work.) I don't want to lie to him but I also don't want to freak him out. I finally decided to not date him so I don't drag him into this mess right now. I'm hoping once my meds are more stable I can let him in. But we've been friends for years and he said he can't be friends and still try to move on in relationships . So now I've lost my best friend and a potential husband because this BP still scares the crap out of me. Oh well. I appreciated every ones input.View Thread