Thank you so much for your replies. It helps to know that the BP might be playing a little part in this. I have never had issues with anger or rage, so this is only the last few years this has been going on. I've only known about my BP for a year or so.The last few weeks have been especially nasty, but I did go off the lithium about 4 weeks ago. (I'm back on for 3 days now)I know I need to put in an effort to stop this, but when it just appears out of no where for no realistic reason, its scary.
Sarah, I saw your response about anger over little things and then being in a ball crying. That fits me to a T almost when this happens. Last time I was on the phone when it happened. great 45 min conversation, one word they said i didn't like and ...boom! I was pacing like a cat behind bars, yelling and screaming at the person by the end I hung up on them, and was sobbing curled up in my bed. A little while later I sent an apology to that person.
So for those who have had this issue with anger as a part of their cycles, is it more with your mania or more with depression? Is Lithium supposed to help?View Thread
I'm still new to bipolar, still trying to figure things out. I hear a lot of people talking about being b*tchy or being angry and hurting/destroying things. Is this part of bipolar or is this an individual thing?
The reason I ask is my anger has gotten out of control recently. Up until a year or so ago I wasn't this way, but the anger is rediculous now. It comes out of nowhere, its intense, and i feel i have no control over it while its happening. I've been called insubbordinate at work, yelled & screamed at my family, road rage a lot. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend because I didn't want to hurt him. I was afraid I was going to drag him into this mess of anger. I talked to my pdoc whose answer was "have you always been like this?" I said no, "then you don't have to be" but no real answer. I was taken off my lithium a few weeks ago, but my pdoc put me back on it now.
Just needing to understand if/where this fits in. I mean I know the whole depression-mania part, but irritability/anger? Will the lithium help, or is this all me? Dr. G? Anyone? Help!
Wow, David! That was some great encouragement for me. FYI, My method was also the car, still the plan. I do get up and go to work now, even though my hearts not in it. I know they need me right now and I don't want to let down my staff. The only reason I'm still at that job is because I need health insurance. With everything going on right now (and now in my insurance file) it's too expensive to find insurance on my own, and the job maket in my area sucks.
I was originally started on lamotrigine with a NP we quickly found out I'm one of those who had a horrible reaction to it. I thought it was helping but couldnt keep taking it. So, the new pdoc put me on the lithium, which I felt was going good. However once it went good, then he thought its low enough lets taper off it and see what happens. I wish he hadn't messed with it. Then again I wish I had enough follow thru with my plan to not be here at all. Since I'm the stupid one who stopped the meds cold turkey for a bit, now my punishment is the roller coaster I've been on these past few weeks. Although I started most of the pills again (not lithium)the coaster is still going full swing.
Yes, there is plenty of stress in my life, but I know I make most of it myself. Work is the biggest. When I had my 1st major depression (that kicked this all off), I had an enormous amount of stress from work on me for a long period of time. Once it was done, The me I knew was just gone and feel like nothing has been the same since. Not to say I didn't have problems before but I could usually handle my moods. Now I just have given up on seeing "me" again, and have resigned myself to the fact that this roller coaster is my life. So I go between it and the alternative. Wishing someone would make the decision for me, or I'd just be brave enough once.
As for the two playing back and forth...I'm having my Tdoc concentrate on some life events I haven't dealt with, and the pdoc needs to get something figured out or I am out of there. I've got an appt next week if something doesn't change then I'm stopping all and let life just play out.
I appreciate the suggestions and will try to soak more of it in once I'm back out of the black hole I'm in. It does sound like we have some things in common. Thanks again for the reply.
Thanks for the reply. I appreciate you sharing your story, it does sound familiar. I have a feeling that its going to take a rock bottom to get me to change. Right now I just feel that if the medicines help some then i'll take them "when I'm in the mood" (lol). As for me changing me....well I just feel that I don't have the determination or the energy to fight this. i don't know...I just don't understand any of this.
Anyway I really appreciate you taking the time to share. Thanks again.
Thank you so much for for letting me know you can relate in some way. I feel all alone in this. My pdoc wanted to taper my lithium down because he though that maybe this was all due to the stresses of work and not actual mania since I was on such a "low dose" (450mg a day) . Unfortunately he did this taper at the end of my leave from work so I don't know if going back has triggered this or if the lithium made a difference. He has said every visit how low my lithium is and asks if I think it's doing anything. How should I know? I never seem to know if I am in the middle of a cycle or if the pills are keeping me out of it right now.
As for a goody two shoes, well...I have always believed in respecting authority and so i always responded with yes ma'am and yes sir to adults. That was not something my parents instilled just something I did. I would never talk back to teachers, never broke the law (even speeding) and reminded those who did they shouldn't. So maybe thats nit the rivht term, but yes, my values are important to me...its who i see me as. About 2 years ago when I had my 1st major depression I was constantly talking back to my boss and was finally told by her I was being insubordinate. That freaked me out. I'm not snobbish but I used to follow the rules to a T. Who I am now is not who I was...that's for sure...and that's scary. In many ways it is the exact opposite of who i was. It seems to be evolving and I never know which Kat is going to be there that day. I know I have some choice in that but somedays it feels like its completely out of my rational control. My pdoc used to ask me if I feel like I'm able to control the days I'm "up"(as I refer to it)? I have been able to say yes previously but now I just don't know. I've stopped myself so many times, but what if one day I can't ... Just one time of not being able to stop myself from destroying my house or not showing my anger at work. Now, when the rebellious part of me is here, those days I don't control her. You know this week someone asked me why I wanted to keep drinking after the pdoc said to stop...my answer at that time was because no one is going to tell me what to do. That answer is what scares me...that is not me. I don't fear I have a drinking problem etc, its just the fact that I am doing what I want at the time and not thinking about the consequences of that choice. Looking back I know doing it was not good but in the moment impulse just took over.
Any who...really just wanted to say thank you for responding, sorry for the long story attached to this thank you.
Thanks, Debbie. I do currently see a therapist once a week but the sessions deal more with stress and she tends to ask what the pdoc says about it. The pdoc says the therapist can help with coping skills etc and the therapist says she has (true). The therapist says the pdoc just doesn't know me well enough since he's only been my dr for 6 months, she's been my therapist for over 2 years. So each one seems to blame the other and say they will talk to the other but neither one does. So.....I am just bouncing back and forth.plus the therapist doesn't like to push me and most days if I'm not pushed to actually answer a question I just give the I don't know speech. I know I need to make more of an effort too.
Does any of this sound like someone who is bipolar/hypo manic? All I've been told for sure was depression but possibly BP. My relative with BP is BP1 and I don't see me like him. Just really wanting to know if anyone is on the right track. Therapist thinks some type of BP and pdoc bounces back and forth with depression/stress at work to cyclothymia or BP2. All I need to find out is if any of this is something you might see in a BP person?
I should also mention I just went back to work after being off for 8 weeks because of the stress of work and my moods. That and the fact that I'm sleeping only 5-7 hours a night because my mind is racing (usually 8-10 hours) are things I'm sure hasn't helped.View Thread
Hello! I'm new to the bipolar world. Haven't been officially told but its been mentioned and runs in my family. Anyway, the past 2 weeks have been a scary ride and I'm not sure if its just a "new me", if its related to BP, or if I am going crazy. I'm very scared of what's going on and am not sure what to do or where to turn.
First off until the past 2-3 years i have always been the goody-two-shoes in life. following every law/rule there is, having respect for authority and always thinking of others. In the past 2weeks I have had a "screw everyone" attitude. 2 weeks ago I left my pdoc appointment and just wrote off everything that night. I stopped taking the lithium I was on (which he was tapering me off anyway), I began drinking (previously 1-2 drinks a year now 6-9 oz of 70 proof vodka a night) when taking my trazadone before bed and have periods of rage (when angry daydreaming of destroying items, thankfully stopping myself from following thru so far). All of this is completely unlike me. Worst part is I kind of like some of it sometimes (drinking & attitude) but the anger scares me. In the middle of the week I just decided to stop taking the 90mg of cymbalta I was on because "I didn't want to" (even though I know it has been very helpful). Once I plummeted my tdoc (who endured an hour of me sobbing) got me to start back up again and put some sense in me. But at one point again I found myself craving a cigarette (never smoked in my life) and stood in line to buy some...managed to walk out before I did. I also contacted an old acquaintance who I know smokes weed just to try to get some from him (again never even come close to that stuff). I'm back to the I'll do what I want attitude but feel like I'm going to cry any second. Pdoc said no more alcohol,and I just laughed as I walked out went home and had a drink. What is going on with me? Why am I doing this to myself? Some days it feels great to not care about any consequences on other days I'm scared this is a "new me". I started mentioning some of this to my pdoc and he seemed to just tune me out. I was scared enough that at one point I wouldn't leave my house or talk to my family or friends because I was afraid of what I might say or do. Help! Can anyone relate? Am I going crazy? I'm just at a loss and have no one to talk to who won't lecture me about what I'm doing. At this point I feel I have some control but not completely. I almost feel its been luck I haven't done some of the stuff I "want" to do. Anyone have a guess what's going on?
Sorry to go on and on but I just don't have anywhere to turn. Thanks for reading/listening at least.