I was in a crisis unit twice in the last month. I needed the time to work out all the anxiety that was swirling in my head that I couldn't seem to do at home. I also knew I needed some med adjustments. The straw that broke the camel's back was that hubs went on a binge. It's the 5th time in 2 months and it killed us financially. This time it was really bad on me. He'd backed me into a corner and thought he could belly and bully me into getting what he wanted (money) because I craftily went to the corner store and emptied the account enough that he couldn't do another withdrawal. I stood my ground and refused. I'm crying the whole time. After I manage to get out of the corner, he tells me he wants a divorce. Well that did it. 11pm and I try to walk to get the last bus across town to the hospital, but couldn't because I was too upset to muster the balls to do it in the dark when I can't see anything. So I go back home. PO'd at myself over it. Take my night meds and go to sleep. 3 hrs later he is back and poking, poking, poking at me bad enough to bruise. I finally give him $20 for relief. Next morning I get up dress and walk to bus and go to ER. Lied and said suicidal and plan (to buy xtra time), There 12 hrs AFTER admit b4 hubs realizes where I am. I'd left a note. <shrug>. I am awakened at 6 am by the tech to an "emergency" phone call. It's hubs in tears begging 4 me to come home because he sold meat out of the house. I make up some horendous excuse to get out and go home.
6 days later, I have f/u with pdoc who decides I need to go back in. Ended up in different hospital. Again, another binge and more food sold. He visits once. And I finally take time to write down each category stressing me out and each indiv reasons. Hubs was a big one and one I thought would be least was me but wasn't. Was the biggest. So I sat working to figure it out and when I had it all done, knew what needed to be done, I went home. Hubs had only visited once.
We decide in 2 days to take him to rehab (wanted a tiny bit of time with him). Night b4 he has another heart attack. 2 days later, they release him. In ER he told them every time he binges he is trying to kill himself and fails. Demanded involuntary unit be at hosp that offered rehab too. He was there 2 weeks.
And while all that is happening, I really screw up. My bff is male and had been there for me a lot since I was going blind. As in several checkins everyday. He knew I was in hospital and was really PO'd I hadn't called him from there. Anyways, he decides he needs to come over and keep me company. We were watching the final inning of the Rays game. We were snuggled up because I just needed to be held. I thought I would cry it out on his shoulder. I failed to mention I dated bff some 19 yrs ago and we know each other inside and out. Anyways, I turn my head to say something and we end up kissing and that led to you know and he stayed the night.
You would think the next day I would be remorseful, right? Nope. He left for work and I was elated. As in flying happy. Not a manic happy, but a stable happy. A happy I forgot ever existed. No giddiness. Just pure unadulterated happiness. I floated all day on that and we kept in touch all day. He was too. I entertained the thought that maybe it was the past resurfacing to resolve something that wasn't resolved 19 yrs ago, Came up with nada. Should have happened a while ago since we reconnected 9 yrs ago. So I looked at present. Should feel guilty, but nope. In fact things with hubs became crystal clear. Suddenly I want a different future,
I spend the following day fretting about what to do. I am hubs lifeline. He cannot handle anything when it is going bad. He sabotages the good all the time. And I am the one left to clean up the mess. He can't do things for himself. And God forbid, something happens to me, like needing inpatient medical care he falls apart and binges.View Thread
I lost the week time frame. They were going to discharge him in 2 weeks. Don't go there. So I needed to make decisions pronto. I did talk to the counselor after he'd been assigned in a conference call with hubs there. I said a lot. Like if he is out in 2 wks he CANNOT come home. Said I would change the locks.
I went through the whole BOOK of reasons why I felt he needed at a minimum 30 days. The counselor agreed with the new info....and hubs reluctantly agreed. Told him I was only going to answer the phone twice a day, once in the morning, once in the afternoon.
I have decided to go. I'm using the time to try to find myself a place to go that is mine. Even if it is a studio or an efficiency. I'm trying to locate extra help to relocate me. I'm rushing and hiding it from step daughter too.
BFF and I are fine. Back to friendship. Maybe more later. But we've both decided that the most important thing is that I need to leave here. And we both need time to heal from his previous relationship and mine.
I need to be totally selfish in this and I know that. I have the boys this weekend and I am going to try to explain the why of things and what to expect. All I can think and feel right now is RUN, RUN AS FAST AS I CAN. When he comes home, the source is across the street. And it will repeat within a month and I know it.View Thread
Sorry this is so long but there is a lot I need to share and let out.
So I start to think about whether this is the life I want to live out over and over again. Being abused during his binges. Cleaning up the binges. Basically dealing with a child. My ds1 (16 yrs) is more independent most of the time than hubs. And I realize I have to cut that lifeline. But I am afraid to because I know without doubt this would be the one thing to have him end his life. I debate this and debate this. And along with the lifeline issue is the divorce issue.
So I consult the bff who takes it out of context thinking that our indiscretion is somehow influencing my decision making process. In a way it did because he reminded me of the happy I used to have and haven't had in a long, long time. That I could be happy like that again on a daily basis. Not just with him, but with me. Useless discussion. He's too close to the problem.
Call my friend in TX who only says I am in a pickle and I should find out what bff's intentions are long term. Again, this has nothing to do with him. In fact I explain that it was a sign I am ready to move on. Not to bff. But to happy land again. Again, no concrete advice.
So I call my mom. Lunch with her where I explain what is going on but leave out bff. She never liked him anyway. We way out pro's and con's and she tells me I should put this on a shelf for a week and not think about it. Then take a look at it again with fresh eyes. We go to her house just to get me out of mine. I listen to my step-dad call hubs every name in the book. My mom gives him a brief synopsis. And he says wait to see what happens when he gets out. If it happens again, then leave him.
Decide to call in big guns. I call my ex's ex wife who left him shortly after his stent in rehab. Again I leave out bff issues. She asks some questions. I answer. I ask her when she knew it was time to leave. She asks me if I am thinking of divorce. Yes and no. She tells me if I am waffling, it is time to go.
Still bouncing back and forth and wanting hubs to still get better, I think this should be done while he's in medical care. And I do the thing I never ever thought I would do, I call the ex. Ask him to put the kids aside and he play out the scenario I am thinking about. How would that have impacted his recovery. He explains why he did what he did to land there himself. How hard it was to admit there was a problem. And how hard he worked to get his life back, especially his wife. Said if she'd left him during rehab, and ds1 and 2 didn't exist, he wouldn't have tried. He'd have given up and whatever happened, happened. So he inquires to where I stand and we end up having a tearful convo about my feelings because now he's also hearing the pain, disappointment and torness that his ex felt. And he ended it by saying it was my choice and he'd support my decision whatever it may be. Offered that if hubs wanted to talk about it, he would be supportive and talk to him. Shock of all shocks.
So I made a decision this morning to cut at least the lifeline and see what happens. Hubs has already indicated reluctance in completing the program by saying his peers are pill poppers and not crack users. If the lifeline cut doesn't change things, then divorce is the next step. I don't know where the man I used to know went, but it sure isn't who he is now.
As for bff, well, I'm pretty sure we screwed our friendship up. No checkin today. Left me a message that in no way should what happened influence my decisions about hubs. He's distanced himself. The odd thing is I feel remorse about the distance and ruining our friendship possibly than I do about cheating on hubs. Sick, isn't it?View Thread
Weather: Probably in the 70's. Still dark and I am not going out to find out the rest.
Sleep: Restless. Nightmares about hubs and bff,
Mood: Kind of numb. I have to do something really important and it will be hurtful. And my bff is distancing himself because...well...we did something we shouldn't have done. Again, I have emotionally distanced myself from that as well.
Plans: Attempt to get step-daughter to return with the car to get me out to the hospital to drop things off for hubs. It probably won't happen, so I will do all the walking and bus ride to get there to do what needs to be done. At least I won't have to visit him. I need to find out who is LSW or tdoc is so I can schedule an appointment to see them to discuss my plans. Fix the pantry door thing. I added a slide lock to the door so that the grandchild can't open it and I didn't set the main mechanism back enough. So guess what? No one can open it now. Try not to dwell on the issue with bff and not to be needy. I need to let him check in with me, not otherwise. Maybe watch some football even though the Bucs are on a bi-week. And I need to cook myself something, if I don't have to make the trip to drop off hub's stuff . I haven't really eaten much of anything in about 2 weeks. Great for weight loss but not overall health.View Thread
Weather: Same as yesterday. Hot with rising humidity
Sleep: Questionable. I'll explain at the end of this posting
Mood: I feel stable but at the same time there's that underlying depression battling to outrun stable. Fighting it this time
Plans: Laundry. Figure out of the SSI came through since the banks automated systems (all of them) went down. Maybe we'll all get lucky and SS pushed through ALL of the payments including SSDI today in preparation for the gov't closing down. Talk about optimism? Try not to think about the aftermath of the family conference I had with hubs and the supposed discharge nurse. Needless to say hubs is no where near ready to be discharged into a SA program and I still have issues that need to be addressed before he does. Phone time for me today. Later on I'll take the 1 1/2 hr walk to the bus, the 2 hr bus trip and repeat coming home to go see him. And visiting hours are 6-8. So not happy. Probably grab dinner along the way somewhere.
Ohhhhhhh. And I am pretty sure one of my new meds causes sleep walking AND sleep texting. Trying to undo those are going to be fun. One set not bad at all. The other? OMG. I think I was txting the other person because their first names are the sameView Thread
You have no idea. The sleepwalking I can deal with. Really. It's the sleep texting. One was ok. We already talk about everything and nothing is ever really surprising, for either of, lately. But I sent a text or two that I must have THOUGHT went to my bff. And I haven't talked to this person in 5 yrs. Why his name is in my phone even is a mystery. I had to literally cut this man out of my life as in I never want to see or hear from you again. And what do I do? I sleep text him something so unexplicably personal meant only for my bff and it's just opened up a can of worms that even now I am trying to shove away. UGH. Can't believe I did that. BFF who gets up to go to work at like 3am told me I'd been texting him all morning. And duh! I argued the fact and he finally demanded I look at my txt history and there it was. I don't remember any of it. So he made lots of fun of me and even about the other guy too. So not happy with myself. SMHView Thread
Sleep: Restless. Having very conflicting dreams. Maybe someone is trying to tell me something?
Mood: Very aggravated and anger oriented. Isolated which is probably a good thing.
Plans: Spent the morning playing run around the rabbit hole. Ultimately had to canx hub's supplemental Medicare plan and put him on a straight Part D. The supplemental plan apparently overrides inpatient SA, so voila. All effective midnight tonite. Told the counselor earlier to keep him as local as possible so I could visit, but after some thought called back and left a message that I think he needs to be "away" from the area. He needs to learn what it is like to not have the people, namely me, he takes for granted there for him physically. I'll be avail by phone. I haven't eaten yet (not good). So figure that out or at least cook a substantial dinner. Do dishes, what little there are. Maybe watch some DVR stuff. Go to bed.View Thread
Sleep: Restless. Usually I relish having the bed to myself, but not the last few days.
Mood: Aggitated, frustrated and scared
Plans: I was going to do a garage sale to get rid of a few things this morning, but don't feel like putting anything out. Maybe tomorrow. Going to walk the freaking 4 miles to the bus stop, spend 2 hours on the bus, and visit hubs for an hour or so...repeat to get home. Day shot. Feel like I have to go. He sound like crappola over the phone. Says his sugar is so high and out of control they are having to do insulin shots which he's never had to do before. They're thinking ketoacidosis which given the number of the symptoms he has, could be fatal. I just really need a damn break. Just one.
Hope everyone else has a better Saturday than I am.View Thread