I used to post quite a bit on this message board -- but then had technical difficulties.
I. SCREWED. UP. Life was going good. I had a boyfriend. My grandiose manic self decided I didn't need my boyfriend. I broke up with him.. The first 2-4 weeks it seemed so logical. I am so lonely and miserable. Ugh!
I know many people with BP who have screwed up like this -- it's nothing new. I don't miss him as as I am so lonely -- I have very few friends. Please take a virtual plane to my house and let's have a party!! I need some mindless fun View Thread
Like many people who have already replied I can relate to this issue. One trait that I noticed in bi-polar people is the tendency to obsess over certain areas of our lives. For me, I have learned that obsessive thoughts are the real enemy. They drain mental and physician energy. They sap you of precious time that could have been invested in a much more rewarding venture. And they rob you of joy and peace. When you look at things logically you wonder....why do I give into these thoughts which cost so much, but leave you so bankrupt?
For me, I could never resist these obsessive thoughts (especially about religion) because I felt like I was constantly in an existential crisis -- I didn't know who I was, I wasn't sure if I was gonna make it to heaven, I didn't know if I would have a career or just be stuck in a dead end job. For me, I was always facing major life and death issues and the many times the only way out was to get caught up in the whirling tornado of obsessive thoughts.
But I am learning that there are other ways out. Through months, if not years of trial and error I am learning that I need to be grounded, I need to have balance, I need to have clarity and I need to identify one step at a time. I need to give my mind the assurance that it doesn't have to figure everything out today. I just need to take it one step at a time.View Thread
I'm sure some of you don't know me, I haven't posted much in the past year, because it is really hard for me to post during work hours, when most of the activity happens.
Quick catch up -- same job and same boyfriend down in Florida. Things are not perfect, I still wish I had more of a complete support system down here, but I have a good friend at work and try to get out and occasionally meet people.
Let me back up a second and tell you about my professional life prior to moving to getting my current job last February. Up until then I was a very over-qualified person in jobs that were not challenging, I did this for about 13 years. This is the only work life I knew. The time that I did have a really challenging job, I had my first bipolar episodes and had to quit. Yes, it kept down the work stress, but I was bored as hell. Worse yet, I did not use my extra time and mental energy to have some awesome social life -- nope I had (overall) a worse social life than I do now.
So here I am with a challenging job and a better social life and all I can think of is how somehow I'm gonna screw it up, or that in some way, it is all going to be taken from me. As a result of these fears, I obsess about work. I obsess about every word people say, every facial expression, every negative thing. I have broken sleep. I binge eat, especially sugar. I don't exercise enough.
Thankfully I can say that this is not always the case. There are times when I am calm and I don't live in the stress. I know that obsessing like this does no good and I try to focus on things that are real. I' had health insurance for the past year, but my health insurance for pre-existing conditions just kicked in last month. I (thankfully) now have good insurance, so I'm gonna get off my a$$ and try to find a therapist.
By the way, work is going very well. I am blessed with a very patient and understanding boss who thinks very highly of me. The fear of losing my job because of my performance is so unfounded!
Thanks for listening folks! I like coming here, to vent, but also to listen. May you be blessed in the challenges you face today.
Okay, so log in and I see one discussion from today and all of the rest are at least 2 days old. Does this happen to y'all? It's annoying because I know there are posts that I am missing.
Ugh, work is now getting really stressful. So weird b/c a month ago (and for pretty much all of last year) things had been so rosy!
Now my doubts keep creeping in and it is very hard not to be overwhelmed by fear, doubt, and a whole host of very negative thoughts. I keep reminding myself that I am so much stronger than I think. I try to tell myself that engaging in these powerful emotions will do nothing but ensure failure.
I am realizing that it is hard for me to sustain long term relationships with people, especially co-workers. I want to keep my dignity and self-esteem, while at the same time understand ways to become a better friend.
It is so comforting to have a place to go when I feel down. Thanks everyone and have a good day. Hopefully I will be able to see more posts later.View Thread
Good for you for coming clean. I went off of Seroquel about 2 years ago and it was very difficult (and I was only taking about 50 mg a night). For me, the problem was that nothing else seemed work as good as Seroquel,
My mom used to take Seroquel (she was on 400 mg a night) and is now on Saphris.
Congrats for going over 2 consecutive months without Seroquel! You can do it!View Thread
Sleep - Awesome, over 10 hours of much needed rest. My boyfriend (G) wasn't too happy that I went to sleep at 8 pm, but I needed it.
Mood - Reflective, kind of sad, cried a few times today
Plans - Woke up and had breakfast with G. Then I let him read some of my journal entries. He was very eager to read them and I felt like I trust him enough. I had been upset over the past few days and my latest entry was very emotional. After he read this entry he said nothing and reached over and gave me a HUGE, heartfelt hug! Of course I just broke out into tears and we hugged for while. It was the sweetest gesture that I've received in a long time. After a series of hugs and tears, we had a very honest, deep conversation about depression and disappointments. It was exactly what I needed. G is not perfect, but he is sincere. He was such an awesome friend today, when I really needed it.
Then G and I went for a bike ride. Another huge blessing about being with G is that he likes to be outdoors. We biked for about 1.5 hours. It was so good to get out and get some exercise. Then we watched TV and I came back to my place and had lunch. I need to do some laundry, cook some spaghetti and do all those weekend things as I watch some football.
Getting back to my relationship with G. It is such a blessing, but we are both kind of new to the area and have no close friends besides each other. We try to get out and meet people, but making friends has never been easy for either of us. He moved to the US from Poland when he was about 13 and he is a self-professed geek. I am the black girl who many tagged as "too white" and I've always had self-esteem issues and never think I am worthy. But hopefully, we can grow together.
Thanks for listening to me ramble...happy Sunday!!View Thread
I just read through your post. So sorry to hear about the surgery and not being able to see your therapist.
I hope you were able to get outside -- even if it was just for a bit. I like the last part of your post where you mentioned going to store in your dreams. Oh lord, I cannot tell you how many times I have got up and went to work or to class in the early morning when I didn't want to get up
Well, I know margaroo was bringing delectable treats, so enjoy . And best wishes for Sunday...hope you can get your mind off of all that is happening.
I haven't been here in a while. It was hard to find a good time post and I kept having problems with the message board. I think there are still board issues.
Anyway, things have been going pretty well. I still like my job, I'm still dating G and had a good holiday season. Of course, I still have bouts of hypo-mania where I feel like everything is happening too fast and I'm gonna crash and burn at any time. I also have those times when all I want to do is nothing except eat and sleep. But I am finding some balance.
Yesterday was a really hard day at work. A lot of pressure, while not feeling a lot of love from one of my co-workers. I can be super-sensitive, so this wasn't good. I try to focus on some positive meditations, can't say that they had any immediate impact, but I figure I need to start making new habits.
Today was much better but I still struggle with social support. Hard for me to ask for help. I vowed to call at least one person tonight for some support. Called my mom on the way home from work as I fought back tears (mostly from exhaustion). Found out that one of my sister's took a horrible fall, has a broken arm that could not be set in the ER, where she spent over 9 hours of her day. I am SO, SO SORRY to hear about my sister's pain. It was such a joy to comfort someone else. I picked out some flowers online to send to her.
I am thankful for good times, but the bad times have taught me sooo much!! Whatever you are going through right now I hope it reaps a bounty of life lessons, character building and a greater appreciation for the wonder of life.
I haven't been around, but I have said it before and will say it again...you all ROCK...I'm feeling the love just reading the old posts:)
In your meditation, do you focus on a single thought or truth. Or is the purpose of your meditation to just empty your mind of distractions, or a little bit of both? I sporadically do meditation and it does improve things, but I never stick with it.
I hope you find a community soon. It is so good to have people to share with View Thread
Well, during my day off I have spent several hours journaling, reflecting and pondering. And my conclusion is that I need to be around more reflective, spiritual people. This is a challenge, because I left the Christian church in 2004 and still haven't found a spiritual community where I feel comfortable. I believe that spirituality unlocks many hidden mysteries and gives us practical solutions for every day life. I long to find people where I live to really connect with. I know that I have a lot to learn, but I also have a lot to share and contribute too.
Do you all have spiritual communities that you belong to -- real or virtual. Please share!