I'm like that when I sleep in my spare room, too. But if I sleep in my living room I'm fine, which is weird because with it being so close to the front door I should be way paranoid. I think it has something to do with the couch; my couch has been in my life since I was a kid, so there's a certain level of comfort going on with it, you know?
I go see my pdoc again next week; I'll have to make a list of things to talk to him about, since for some reason when I'm actually there for the appointment, I can never remember it all. =/
Honestly, I don't know ... I was on a bad mix of medications, a lot of bad mixes, for so long. Now I'm on a *better* mix, but every week it's something else. A sleep attack or a bout of depression or lingering and flaring effects of mania or hypomania, and anxiety attack (or multiple ones) ... it's just crazy. And I'm not just saying that. lol
I ended up going home yesterday and slept from around 10 to around 4. Had more crazy dreams, this time about a stone that turned anything it was tapped against into gold, so there was gold like *everywhere* to cash in. (Talk about wishful dreaming!!)
Dreaming a lot and in great detail is a symptom of mine, so maybe right now I'm just going through a 'flare-up' of the BP. But still, like I said, every week it's something different. -_-;;
It all makes perfect sense, Cookie, and I'm so sorry you're going through that ... ((HUGS))
I've had days where all my concerns come up at once, and my doc usually just attributes it to anxiety. I always second-guess myself, about how bad my symptoms REALLY are, so end up feeling guilty and down-playing it all. Even though I really have no need to feel guilty - I'm not whining to anyone for attention - I just feel like I'm troubling my doctors for no reason. Like I'm a burden and such.
I lost it a bit at work this morning. Last night/this morning I woke up around one, and from one a.m. to four a.m. I had constant dreams about self-harming. I woke up shaky and jittery and got through the early morning all right, but when I got to work I started freaking out. I got so jumpy and jittery, like there was an electrical cord plugged into my spine and all of my nerves. I felt helpless and started crying and it stopped almost as suddenly as it started, a minute later.
I took my meds early and it calmed it a bit, but now I feel empty and bruised and am debating asking to go home early. I feel I need to, but then on the other hand I keep thinking 'it's okay - I'm okay - I'll be fine...'
1. What's the hardest thing you've ever done? let my son go.[br>[br>2. If you were a car, what kind of car would you be? a canary-yellow Avalanche. vroom.[br>[br>3. If you were a city, what would you be? Kittyhawk, New York
4. If you were a movie, what would you be? Fifth Element. bwahahaha[br>[br>5. If you were a soup, what would you be? WTF? Broccoli and cheese, I guess.[br> 6. If you were a tree, what would be carved in your trunk? I wz hre[br> 7. If you were sand, what would you say to people on your beach? get the *bleep* off my face *bleep bleep*[br> 8. If you were a house, what would you say to the people living inside you?[br>Don't yell at each other, in anger or otherwise.
9. If you were a pebble, what would you say to a little kid throwing you into a pond?[br>Hold on tight, kid. It's gonna get wild.
10. If you were an animal, what would you be? Tiger. duh.[br> 11. If you could travel through time and meet yourself when you were a kid, what would you say? Just hang on. No matter what, just hang on. It's worth it, I promise.[br>[br>12. If a bartender named a drink after you, what would it be called? What would be in it? Don't know, stumped on that one.[br>[br>13. If you had to eliminate one thing in your life, what would it be? my ex. harr[br>[br>14. If your house was on fire and you could only save one thing, what would it be? my BP journal [br>15. What did you want to be when you were little and are you that now? a cat, and dude, no. [br>16. If you could be any cartoon character, who would you be? Sylvester the cat [theme, anyone?>[br>[br>17. What do people like about you the most? The least? my quirky personality. To both.[br> 18. Should the guy always pay for a date? No, only when I don't have the money... lol[br>[br>19. What would be the title of your autobiography? The Darkest Shining Star[br> 20. If you had one superhero ability, what would it be? Ability to create and wield electricity/lightning.
She smiles and it is real, genuine. But the marks of her suicide are appalling and ugly and sad, though her smile is Beautiful.
= Detox =
They are like sisters in misery, in pain, forever linked in my mind. One and then the other equals both, together. I watch as they mumble, pull in tight, tremble and hunger and weep, And I think I know why they choose the drugs if this is how hard they fall.
I want to hear you say it just once: Don't Change. I want to hear you say It's okay and I love you and You're Perfect and It'll be okay. Just once, I want to hear it: You're everything I need; Don't Change.
I sit here, unbent, collapsed in my chair and in my soul. My ankles wrap around the metal of the chair; otherwise my feet will slide and I will follow From one collapsed, to a puddle on the floor. I am tired but not allowed to move. Time drags, pulling me along behind it.
.... wrote this the second time I was admitted.
ps. Feel free to add your own poetry to this thread.