I lost it a bit at work this morning. Last night/this morning I woke up around one, and from one a.m. to four a.m. I had constant dreams about self-harming. I woke up shaky and jittery and got through the early morning all right, but when I got to work I started freaking out. I got so jumpy and jittery, like there was an electrical cord plugged into my spine and all of my nerves. I felt helpless and started crying and it stopped almost as suddenly as it started, a minute later.
I took my meds early and it calmed it a bit, but now I feel empty and bruised and am debating asking to go home early. I feel I need to, but then on the other hand I keep thinking 'it's okay - I'm okay - I'll be fine...'
1. What's the hardest thing you've ever done? let my son go.[br>[br>2. If you were a car, what kind of car would you be? a canary-yellow Avalanche. vroom.[br>[br>3. If you were a city, what would you be? Kittyhawk, New York
4. If you were a movie, what would you be? Fifth Element. bwahahaha[br>[br>5. If you were a soup, what would you be? WTF? Broccoli and cheese, I guess.[br> 6. If you were a tree, what would be carved in your trunk? I wz hre[br> 7. If you were sand, what would you say to people on your beach? get the *bleep* off my face *bleep bleep*[br> 8. If you were a house, what would you say to the people living inside you?[br>Don't yell at each other, in anger or otherwise.
9. If you were a pebble, what would you say to a little kid throwing you into a pond?[br>Hold on tight, kid. It's gonna get wild.
10. If you were an animal, what would you be? Tiger. duh.[br> 11. If you could travel through time and meet yourself when you were a kid, what would you say? Just hang on. No matter what, just hang on. It's worth it, I promise.[br>[br>12. If a bartender named a drink after you, what would it be called? What would be in it? Don't know, stumped on that one.[br>[br>13. If you had to eliminate one thing in your life, what would it be? my ex. harr[br>[br>14. If your house was on fire and you could only save one thing, what would it be? my BP journal [br>15. What did you want to be when you were little and are you that now? a cat, and dude, no. [br>16. If you could be any cartoon character, who would you be? Sylvester the cat [theme, anyone?>[br>[br>17. What do people like about you the most? The least? my quirky personality. To both.[br> 18. Should the guy always pay for a date? No, only when I don't have the money... lol[br>[br>19. What would be the title of your autobiography? The Darkest Shining Star[br> 20. If you had one superhero ability, what would it be? Ability to create and wield electricity/lightning.
She smiles and it is real, genuine. But the marks of her suicide are appalling and ugly and sad, though her smile is Beautiful.
= Detox =
They are like sisters in misery, in pain, forever linked in my mind. One and then the other equals both, together. I watch as they mumble, pull in tight, tremble and hunger and weep, And I think I know why they choose the drugs if this is how hard they fall.
I want to hear you say it just once: Don't Change. I want to hear you say It's okay and I love you and You're Perfect and It'll be okay. Just once, I want to hear it: You're everything I need; Don't Change.
I sit here, unbent, collapsed in my chair and in my soul. My ankles wrap around the metal of the chair; otherwise my feet will slide and I will follow From one collapsed, to a puddle on the floor. I am tired but not allowed to move. Time drags, pulling me along behind it.
.... wrote this the second time I was admitted.
ps. Feel free to add your own poetry to this thread.
Does anyone regularly chart their moods, and how? Do you use a program on the computer, just a journal, a chart you print up ...?
I use MedHelp.com, have for a long while now. It has a tracker for moods but also separate ones you can do for exercise, sleep, migraines, etc, and its free. There's even an option to print it out, if I need to take it in to my doc.
And, it lets me friend others, so I can check their trackers too and see how they're doing.