I haven't been on this forum in over a year or more I think. I can't remember not that it matters.
I am having a great deal of trouble lately, life has thrown some curve balls at me. I am in the middle of a divorce, I am trying to have a baby, and now my PTSD and depression have decided to go into overdrive. I kinda feel like I am on the Titanic and I can't find anything to hold on to to keep my head above water.
The depression I knew might come on with the divorce its not that bad this time I think I can bare that if it was just that. But it is the PTSD that is killing me. I am having panic attacks and flashbacks, and I can't sleep because I am having nightmares and when I don;t have nightmares and I think I am calm enough for sleep I have insomnia which is from both the PTSD and depression
Has anyone ever heard of trading one addiction for another and how do I tell if that is what I am doing or if its just a phase. I am a alcoholic and self-injurer, however it is not either of those things that are concerning me its the sex, I have a donor and I doing the insemination the natural way. But I dont know if its because the last six months before the divorce started I wasn't having sex or if its because this exciting trying to have a baby or if I am using it as coping skill. Its the only time I am relaxed is when I am having sex. How do I know when too much is too much especially when I am trying to have a baby and they tell me at the doctors to have as much as possible to improve the chances? A Little help would be greatly appreciated.View Thread
Well I got some good advice to write out the questions that I am afraid to ask in therapy.
1). What if there I a trauma I can't remember when I was a child, that set off my disassociating then? And how am I suppose to deal with that?
2). What am I suppose todo with borderline personality diagnosis from years ago that I don't want to accept at all?
3). What do I do about my wife not believing me when it comes to be raped the 2nd time?
4). And what if deep down I can tell in my gut something is struggling to get out but I've got not idea what it is how do deal with that?
5). I have only once self harmed knowingly all the other times I was disassociating? And until now with all this stress I have conscious urge what am I suppose to do with that? I don't want to tell my therapist that because I afraid she tell me I am suppose to go to the hospital, I am not suicidal at all so she can't make me right?View Thread
So where exactly to start I don't really know, all i know is that I have a job that I really do love, its not too much paperwork its not too much travel, not too much computer work. I like my boss and co-workers alot. I am back in the human services field again, something that I am very good at and enjoy but always in the past try to escape from and I don't really know why. Why do I try to run from the things that come naturally to me? I am unsure of my path right now which is frightening me some. I was good I was set emotionally I thought, I was able to go and do things, I was able to make friends again, I was able to be married and have a complete happy life. It started about six months ago, creeping back in, I am not sure what set it off, but I am losing time again, which I am told is disassociating. I have been proactive, I called my old therapist to see if I could see her, she is to busy so I asked for referrals, I found one that I liked and I am going on a regular basis that fits my budget. Every two weeks. These episodes are scaring me somewhat, I am working through them and try to get a handle on them the best that I can. They are not the only thing that are back the nightmares are back, but I am using the skills I can get to work for me at this point to help with those as best I can. I am talking in therapy as well. I can't afford the silent appointments that I use to have with my old therapist that is not an option for me anymore. I don't know what caused the losing time thing the first time, I do know it is something that I have done since I was a little kid and I didn't know that the degree I was doing it was a bad thing, I also when I realized I was doing a few years ago bad I was self harming while I was. My new therapist asked if there was anything traumatic that happened to me when I was little, I can't think of anything that would be considered so traumatic that it would cause something like this to go into overdrive, unless something has happened and I don't remember it, but how common is that? Really to have something so horrible happen to you and you don't remember it at all? Don't you think a family member would have slipped up at this point? Mentioned something that triggered something? I don't really understand what is going on in my head right now. I am trying to fix it, but I don't get what the heck my brain is doing. I guess I have this irrational fear of digging into the depths that are black, blurry and unknown completely, I don't know what I will find, do I want to find something, what if I find nothing and my brain is just off compared to the rest of the world? I have questions that I know I should ask next Friday at therapy, but do I really want to know that answers? Do I want to admit what I think might be wrong? I am not looking for a diagnosis, I am looking for a reup of skills I guess, but to make them effective do I need to know what could possibly be wrong or off with me? I didn't think so before and I don't think so now but if she tells me am I going to be able to deal with it? When I have gone and read criteria for diagnosis' that a doctor has given me I don't agree that I fit into those categories. But one kind of does fit? But for the past not for now. BlahView Thread
I will definitely try the writing out stuff before therapy, my mind does go blank at times when I get there. The questions that I think I need ask are about the trauma process and my lack of memory. I also have a diagnosis question I don't need a label to work with by any means but I am afraid of the answer the Tdoc will give me. First I was bipolar then bipolar 2 then not bipolar then major depression then when I got healthy I said to myself screw it I need there labels, and I still didn't I think I did. I probably shouldn't read diagnosis criteria but I did and it has me very worried about one that I was told I had, borderline personality disorder the one diagnosis I had an absolute fit about being labeled with. But past behaviors fit it but not current per say. I don't know if when the hospital told me that I was mad at another label or mad that deep down I knew it fit.... I am rambling again oops I guess I'm afraid of asking about trauma I'm sure I want dig into that area even if it will help to process it. But back on topic the writing thing will be a good thing thank you for the idea. I have a lot to get out of my head sigh...View Thread
I don't last night was last night...again I did everything I was told I needed to try and it didn't work for her so I wa left already anxious because we were going to...to anxious because I felt as though I did something wrong to me being mad to then sad to then talking it out and finally making it a subject I do not want anymore long indepth analyzing discussions about. I have a wonderful wife we are blessed to have families that except us as a same sex couple. We live in a state where we were able to get married. But like I said in a discussion topic we have an elephant in the room, I have been raped twice once long before I met her at a party I was drink and had had something slipped on my drink and then a second time after I had been living with my now wife then girlfriend at our home on the middle of the day by someone I did not know they said they were there to service the furnace they weren't. The elephant in the room I'm referring to is that she does not believe that that could have happened we lived in a trailer park then why didn't I scream she asked why didn't I fight back I don't know why I went mute or why I froze I just know that he was there I did not imagine it or have some guy over and say it was rape to get out of something he came kinda early for a service call and I just went into this routine mode for what seemed like days now I know I was dissociating I didn't have the clarity to tell her for a few weeks after it happened. I am trying to accept that she doesn't believe now or that she never has I ah e a therapist I haven't told her that my wife does not believe the second one I have all theses fears because I am dissociating again or what I call losing time... I am not sure what to do I am going to therapy and using the grounding techniques but I am very scared, but it's a unknown like in the put of my stomachs but I am unsure of what I am so terrified of exactly so that amps upy anxiety...I feel a lack of support when it comes to things with my wife, she doesn't want me in therapy she says we left that mental health work why can't you deal with this on your own if I could I would but I can't I need help and I have recognized that and am doing the healthy thing and getting help I think the lack of support is hindering me but I am just going to have to learn to live with that. My rambling is making me feel better this morning.View Thread
No I don't believe so at all this is a new job I got it after all the things started to get complicated again so I don't think that it's that. I was like tat with my old job but not with this one.View Thread
Does anyone have any experience with dissociative episodes and self harm. I am considered a self-harmer by my providers I guess you can call them that. I have only consciously harmed four times total. All the other elf-harm took place while I was "Zoning Out" or having a dissociattive episode. I would wake up or come out of it with everything bandaged and cleaned up. I am not currently harming in any manner like that now what is happening is that I am having longer and longer dissociative episodes. I have a therapist that I just started seeing because I was ok and then I realized I was zoning out for long long periods. I guess I need to know if anyone has any experience in turning this defensive mechinism off.View Thread
I haven't been on in a long time I am off all meds and have been for along while now and have been fine, There have been alot changes in my life and I find myself slipping so I called my old therapist and she is booked so she gave me recommendations and I called some of them and I made an appointment with one of them. However I don't believe nad and never really have believed that I am bipolar and then while i was in treament a few years ago I was diagnosised in addition with Borderlin Personality Disorder. The more I read that more it fits the it fits the more terrified I am the more I dread going to this new person the more I cry the more I want to cut the more I hate myself for being weak. I need real information on BPD or people who have it there experiences something, I am drowning her please help I swore I would never get sick again.View Thread
I think it has been like idk over a year since I was on here...
I need advice, I am having PTSD symptoms again, nothing new traumatic has happened. There have been alot of changes and stressors but not negative stressors... I called and set up an appointment with a therapist for thursday this week.
So my head is spinning I thought I was done with this I thought I was ok. I am not on any meds I haven't needed them for over 2 years about now. I can't breath...I can breath I feel like I can't I don't want to sleep I can't stay asleep when I do... and last night I had an all out panic attack i woke up in the middle of a panic attack. I was raped 2 years ago now in my own home...I went to therapy I dealt with it...I have been able to have sex with my partner no problems...
WHAT is this I feel like I am falling apart again when all the best things are coming together, we are getting married in 4 months we are planning on having children i have a great new job that pays more...we are selling our house and trying to find a new one so we will have room to start a family...why is this all coming back again helpView Thread