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Feeling alone and angry
AZView Thread

AZView Thread

I had a small yelling match with my t out of frustration. She wanted me in a program I was not comfortable with so I refused to go. I came home upset with myself for letting it all get to me. I ended up giving in to the urges and cut my arms up. It felt so go to release. I felt guilty about it afterward but oh well....I know I should have tried some of the other coping techniques me and my t discussed but I was so angry and didn't want to hear her words.
Getting out of my house is a problem for me sometimes. Yes I get annoyed when someone asks me that question. As if a walk makes anything better. I live in AZ its hot as hell right now. 110 degrees is not fun to walk in.
I have tended to my wounds and today has been a self- soothing day. I have spent most of the day wrapped in a blanket hugging my childhood blanket for some reason. Maybe I want to feel something....I don't know Everything right now is a dream? is it?
AZView Thread

I hope you have had a good weekend. I have so much pressure in my chest and its been an emotional weekend. I have been riding the roller coaster. I have been able to fight the urge. My loneliness is going to kill me. My heart will never heal. The guilt is killing me. I cannot help but blame myself. I am tired of the fear I feel all the time.View Thread

I am having really bad flashbacks and feel like its happening to me all over again. I am scare and alone. I am trying hard not to harm myself. I feel like its a losing battle. I hate my life. I hate who I have become
AZView Thread

Thank you so much for the info. I am aware of the one in AZ that is not an option for me. I would have to have my insurance cover it. I am really interested about the one in MA. I called my t and gave her all the info. Hopefully I can get into a program fairly quickly. I am concerned about a waiting list. I feel myself slipping more and more into the darkness and my feelings are scaring me. I try really hard everyday and everyday I feel its a losing battle.. I feel so defeated and alone.
I am so proud of you Mary. I really look up to you. You have come so far and you are my inspiration...
AZView Thread

Self harm is becoming a really big issue for me. I try to keep myself occupied but it lingers in the back of my head. My t told me to put a orange in the freezer and when I feel that urge to pull it out and sqeeze it until I get it all out. She also told me to use and ice cube on my arms if I feel like cutting....I am really disappointed in myself.
I am having really bad nightmares and flashbacks. I cant get what happend to me recently out of my head. When I try to talk or write about it nothing comes out.... I feel trapped.
Its hard to stay in the present sometimes. I have to work really hard to stay grounded.
I hope you get the books figured out. Don't beat yourself up. Take a break from for a bit. Maybe you need a fresh eye to look it over. Sometimes when I cant figure something out I have to walk away for a bit and clear my head. When I come back I usually find it and wonder why I didnt see it sooner. I have faith in you Mary. I hope you have a good day today.
Thank you for your support and love
AZView Thread

I see my tdoc twice a week and I dont feel its enough sometimes. I have thought about going into the hospital for a little bit. Its something that I will talk about in therapy. I have called my tdoc more than i would like. She may want me to go in for a bit. In a way I feel like I am slowly coming unglued. I have been fighting so hard. Trying to just maintain some sort of routine. I have been to my pdoc and we have been working on getting the right dosage....I have alot of issues with side affects. I feel so defeated all the time. So depressed. So alone.
I am sorry you are angry with yourself. I hope the anger has subsided by now....I am really proud of you Mary. You have been thru alot and I hope I can be as strong as you someday.
Your encouraging words saved me this weekend. I felt so alone,,,like no one cared.... I was ready to end it all.
AZView Thread

I hope you are doing better Mary
AZView Thread

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