Every pregnancy test I had ever taken that ended up being Negative I was dissapointed. It seemed like everyone I knew could look into their future and see themselves being something: doctor, lawyer, etc... When I looked into my future I only saw myself as a wife and a mother. Since an early age I wanted to have a baby. Now I have been out of college and happily married for a while now and we decided to start trying to have a baby. After only 3 months of trying, I took a pregnancy test and it seemed like all of my hopes and dreams had come true in an instant when the test said that I was pregnant.
At our 8 week Dr. appointment we saw the baby and the heartbeat through ultrasound and everything was normal. It was the most beautiful black and white picture I had ever seen. We decided to move into a 2 bedroom apartment so that we could have a nursery. We had paint colors picked out, we were just waiting to see if it was a girl or a boy before we would paint.
Last Monday was our 12 week 3 day appointment and we were going to hear the heartbeat for the first time. The doctor had given me permission to record the sound of the heartbeat so I was ready to record. She tried a few different things and we could clearly see our 12 week baby, but there was no heartbeat. I had literally no signs of a miscarriage. The doctor said that it was a "missed miscarriage". The doctor sent me and my husband to the hospital for a second opinion. They wouldn't allow my husband to be present for the hospital ultrasound. At this point I was still just trying to hold the pieces of my heart together just for long enough until I got home, then I could allow myself to fall apart. It was hard for me to see the baby on the screen. I could see it's little head, it's spine, but no matter how hard I prayed the heart did not start beating. The ultrasound tech spent 25 minutes looking. Once she was finished they got my doctor on the phone and she confirmed that there was no heartbeat. That was on Monday.
On Wednesday I had the D&C. I didn't realize that the D&C was major surgery. I found out after I woke up that I even had a breathing tube down my throat for the procedure. I woke up feeling even more empty inside knowing that my baby was gone.
Our friends and family continued to call us to see if there was anything they could do. Once someone told me that God just needed another baby in heaven I stopped answering my phone. I couldn't handle another person trying to bring some sort of reason into what had happened to our baby. I just wanted to be alone with my husband.
Friday we had to move in to the new apartment. I just kept thinking that instead of this apartment being larger for our growing family, it will be a new start. I was trying to convince myself that if I kept thinking like that, my heart would start feeling in the same direction that my head was thinking. I kept thinking, stay positive, this is the bottom, I couldn't possibly feel any more terrible than I already did. That was until I sat in the rocking chair in my baby's empty nursery and those bare white walls just came crashing down on me. Of course I had told everyone in our family to NOT buy anything for the baby until the 2nd trimester, but nobody ever listens to me. We have baby clothes, stuffed animals, baby wash, etc... we even have a Diaper Genie. I told them to not buy anything because I was told and knew the risk of miscarriage. Although I knew the risks and the statistics, I never really ever thought it would happen to us.
It seems like from the moment I wake up to the moment I lay down I have tears in my eyes. I wake up in the middle of each night and when I realize that none of this was a dream, I cry some more. I have never cried from the deepest depths of my soul until now. My husband is trying to be strong but he allows himself to melt into my arms each day. We just need to keep breathing. That is all we can focus on doing right now. Breathe.View Thread