Yes, initiate the act. One of the struggles in my relationship is that my wife doesn't like to initiate. I don't like "taking sex" I want it to be mutual or I want to feel that she wants me. Feeling desired / wanted is a real turn on for men. Too often in the past I felt like when I wanted sex and she didn't it was boarder line rape. I don't want my wife to have sex with me because she has to I want her to have sex with me because she wants me and wants to get off. The idea of a woman wanting me to make her orgasm turns me on like nothing else.View Thread
Personally I think you both wrong. No no one is entitles to anything, but if you love someone enough to marry them you should be willing to give of your self (mind, body, and or soul) which include sex on a regular basis, and whether you are male or female and their is a problem you should be willing to try and do something about it.
My struggle with this has involved my wife's lack of sex drive, and her lack of willingness to try and do anything about it. I honestly can only remember 1 or 2 times in our 20 years of marriage that she has actually been "horny" (meaning she wants it because she wants to scratch an itch rather than just humor me).
I've tried to explain to her that sex drive is a lot like hunger. Anyone who has ever been hungry would understand that. When your hungry you need to eat. A snack (masturbation) will often tide you over, but eventually you need a meal. The problem is I feel like I'm surviving on snacks.
Over the last 20 years we have had sex anywhere from once every two weeks to once a month. My wife is on Zoloft for depression which is proven to depress sex drive, unfortunately she isn't willing to talk to her doctor about alternatives. I had her ask here OBGYN once if he had any suggestions to improve her sex drive and he gave some flip answer like "if I there was some simple answer I'd be a millionaire." He was not much help and this seemed to reinforce her resistance to do anything about it.
We have tried to talk about it but it usually ends as an argument as she seems to act as though my need is my problem. She seems to think I want her to become a porn star which is not true, but I would like her to have the perceived desire of a porn star though .
From the research I have done I have a normal sex to a slightly above average sex drive for a male of my age (42). I will say in the last month or so sex has gotten some what better but I'm still limited to once a week, and only on a weekend.
This is frustrating as I may be in the mood in the middle of the week and I'm denied because it's not the weekend. Yes, it is a challenge to find time during the week, but if your the only one with the drive / desire then your the only one looking for the time.
I would like to get to the point that we could have sex when I / we want to rather than just on a weekend. Children also pose a challenge on the weekend as they seem to want or need something just as we / she are getting into it. I can't wait until my children are grown and gone to have a sex life.
If she got "horny" on a regular basis this would all be different, but when you have no drive it's hard to empathize with your partner.
As for going outside my marriage I couldn't do knowledge. One of her favorite lines toe in our arguments about sex is "fine go find someone else." My fear is I couldn't find someone else for just the physical (at least know one in looks category). I'm like any male I fantasize about other women but I do want my wife. The problem is she has no drive or desire and no drive or desire to improve her libido, so you get what we got this weekend. I came to her Friday night and told her I wanted to have sex this weekend. I told her I'd like to have sex twice and at least once I would like to perform oral sex on her. She said ok but not tonight I'm tired. I was like OK. Then Saturday rolled around she had to work during the day stayed late and when she got home went right to bed. I put our three boys to bed thinking she was waiting for me in bed but no she was asleep. I woke up thi morning frustrated got our kids ready for church and went. While we were both getting ready I guess she sensed my mood and said "are you mad at me." I said no which was a lie, but it is always like this I get in a mood because I haven't had sex in a week, two weeks or more and she's like "you always get snippy." I feel like saying "if you see me getting a mood why don't you do something like come on to me." But no we repeat the same cylcle again and again. The she expects me to want to sit and talk and have coversation all the while with a set of blue balls. If we hadn't been maried for almost 19 years and have three kids I would get a divorce and start over. Yes, I know sex isn't the only thing in a realtionship but it is sort of a glue that helps you bond. She just expects me to bond with little or no glue. That's why I get frustrated when I read forums like this and I read about all these women who have high sex drives and want to have sex with their husbands who have low to no sex drives. I keep wondering why didn't I luck out and marry a woman with a hyper sex drive. I'm at then point I'd like to become a surrogate, but that's easier said than done.View Thread
I'm sorry that you are suffering like this. I can empathize. My question is was you sex drive low and his high when you first got married? My sex drive has always been high, and my wife's has been low (she takes meds for depression which doesn't help). I've prayed for years that hers would increse as I'd always heard that as women aged their sex drive increased (which is why you always hear about older women seducing young guys). The problem is at 43 years old hers has not budged. I've never tried cyber sex as I've always feared it would really be some guy on the other end besides there is plenty of free porn out there. I have though about getting a sex toy for men, but the problem is I want flesh on flesh. I need to feel desired and wanted sexually. (No, I am not ugly I'm of average looks some say I strongly resemble a younger Michale J. Fox). My body type is average with maybe an extra pound or two, so I don't have the rock hard body that easily attracts women. I'm envious of women as most can have sex almost anytime they want (maybe not with every guy you are attracted to). Now some may say thats not true but if you are a woman of at least average looks you can find a guy to have sex with. With guys it's harder you have to be really good looking (i.e. Brad Pitt) in order to get woman to sleep with you without having to have some mental connection. My frustration is that I love my wife and desire regular (3 - 5 times a week) sexual relations with her, but because of her lack of desire it's more like 1 - 3 times a month. I want her to get into it. I love foreplay and really enjoy giving her oral (an would like to try anal at least once), but she often just seems to want me to mount her and be done with it. I'm at the point in our relationship that divorece isn't a viable option 19 years of marrage and 3 kids, but if I could find a sex buddy I'd probably persue it. This would be difficult but I feel like it would help me without burdening her. I know most would see this as wrong, but a divorce isn't an option and I can't just turn my sex drive off.View Thread
Ok I'm going to be bruttaly honest. After having thought about it for a while I guess the reason this is such a topic of debate is the fact that men and women view / react to sex differently. For men it is much more physical. Men are generally aroused more easily as we are visual creatures: we see an attractive woman and we want her. We fantasize about almost every woman we see (most husbands - S/O wont tell you this to your face but they do). I can't tell you how many times I've seen a woman in the grocery store or at the gas pump etc. and without even consciously knowing it I was fantasizing about her. I can not speak from the female perspective but arousal for us is very physical you can feel your arousal through your erection and no it won't just go away you want to (not to be crude) rub it against something or stick it in something or alittle bit of both. Now from what I've been told by my wife and a few other women in m y life it's more mental. A woman needs to be mentally aroused before they can be physically aroused and this is much more difficult to do. (I know this is far fetched but bare with me) Example if a woman walks up to a guy and grabs his crotch (gently) he's going to become aroused and have sex. On the other hand if a man walks up to a woman and grabs her crotch she's going to be offended and slap him. So you see you have this imbalance, and this often leads to discord in a relationship. Now I know that this is a generalization because there are some women who are physically aroused esaily (I'd like to meet them ) and I know there are some guys who need a mental relationship before then can have a physical relationship, but I think you'll find if you ask around I'm going to be pretty close. I some times wish God had made us all with the same ex drive, however I fear if that had happened we'd either live on an over populated planet or the species would have died out long ago.View Thread
I think that if it's a woman not wanting sex too often it is a power thing. They control what the man wants so they have power over him, however he always has the power to move on, but in our society it's going to cost him financially. This is about as fair as a woman getting pregnant and then deciding on an abortion even though the father of the child wants to keep the child. I have a female friend that I work with thet got divorced a few years ago and based on what I've gleaned from the situation she cut him off. He then found a less attractive coworker and they started a relationship. He then left his wife and got married to this new woman. The new woman was not as attractive as his wife but she desired him and that's what he wnated / needed. I feel for the wife as she is a good friend however she put herself in the situation. She was in a good realtionship as her husband was making enough money for her to stay home and take care of their kids, now she's been forced to go back to work and she's unhappy all because she decided that sex wasn't important to her anymore. Now she's unhappy and lonely.View Thread
I don't know if Anon_16238 is saying the women are at fault. I think they are trying to point out that someything else must be going on. If a womans looks and weight (please don't read into this) haven't changed significantly and there is nothing medically wrong with the male then there must be something wrong with the relationship. I have been pissed at my wife before and have wanted to refuse her but all she had to do was come on to me and even I could do the deed. I believe the problem must be more deep seated. It's either something medical he's hiding or something emotional and he must want out. When my wife and I have had our difficulties there has always been some resentment or some un resolved issue.
Men are simple creatures "feed us and f_ _k us" and we will be loyal to the death.View Thread
I don't get this. I have read more posts from women on this topic then men. Did I marry the wrong woman? Look I know there is more to sex than the physical act, but if I could be surrogate and ease all this suffering I would. Reading these posts makes me angry. Angry because there appear to be so many women in this situation and angry because my wife doesn't feel the way many of you ladies feel about sex. I honestly believe that if I stopped having sex with her she'd never miss it, and no I'm not one of those guys who acts like it's all about me. I like our sex to take a long time. I like foreplay, l like to please her and after she orgasms it's my turn. Where as too often I feel like she's "ok, in and out and nobody gets hurt."View Thread