You made a choice to leave this marriage based upon your happiness in life. You said it yourself that he isn't a husband or life partner...if that is what you want in your life realizing he does not fit the bill and moving in a direction that can lead you there is taking care of you and your happiness. Not to sound harsh, but you chose to leave that life behind you - keep it behind you. Let him worry about himself now, and you continue to take care of YOU!View Thread
I didn't go into my marriage just to end up divorced...I don't suppose there are many who do. And it's pretty normal to feel some sort of shame over a failed marriage. The bottom line is, sometimes divorce is inevitable.
The terms of my divorce left me with a great deal of trust issues...the first of which had to do with me questioning EVERYTHING about myself. I tore myself apart and slowly put the pieces back together. Then as I realized I am a good person and I didn't bring the divorce on I found trust in myself. Then I questioned trusting others...it became clear who in my life I trusted. What I struggle with now is how to trust someone new?
Are you aware of what it is that directs your lack of trust in yourself? Does it have anything to do with your marriage/divorce?
Is there a reason that you know of that would explain why you are feeling this way? Other than your marriage/divorce?View Thread
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Betrayal is difficult enough to deal with. From what you've shared, its no wonder you are having doubts - it doesn't seem his actions are supportive of you and your relationship. It's been over a year and he hasn't provided for your needs to help you through this. If you are at that point where you can't live like that anymore, you shouldn't. Take a step and don't worry about what is out of your control. Things manage to work out somehow.View Thread
Stick to your guns and keep letting them know you've made your decision and you agree to disagree. Its not their choice to make but if you keep telling them in those words it may come across as though it is someone's choice, possibly theirs. People who are controlling and/or manipulative often use your own words against you to get what they want. For whatever reason, she sees your decision as a direct reflection on her. That perspective completely falls on her and is a false reality. The mother seems to be acting in the way a two year old does when told "no". Seems like it would be good practice for you as an upcoming parent to establish consequences for this behavior and practice consistency. Hopefully they will back off before things escalate into unnecessary drama. Good luck - and keep us posted.View Thread
3point - I've wondered how things are with you! Very happy to hear you and man-friend have been offered the opportunity to experience home life in a different light. I understand how intimidating such changes can be...its worth it to let things settle in before taking more on. I find you to be an intelligent and cautious person - relationships aren't easy as you know...and your happiness is what is most important in your life. You know this and I've witnessed (through your posts) you taking several stands attesting to that. Its clear from your post you are not comfortable with the current financial arrangements. Rather than explaining your view, what would think about offering an alternative you would feel more comfortable with? A compromise...Maybe its looks something like, agreeing on an amount each of you contributes weekly/bi-weekly/monthly/ that equals half to the household "shared" bills. The remainder of your pay each of you is allowed to keep for personal bills or purchases. The beauty of compromising is its a joint effort of agreement designed to give each party a little of what they want...not one sided. Sometimes it is a better way of communicating because its more of a business deal and less of an emotional hashing. KWIM? In any case as the stakes go up and your relationship grows, keep true to yourself. Its so good that you throw caution to the wind as you do...it means you are not willing to lose sight of you! You're worth it girlie!!! And if man-friend is all the person he sounds to be, he must realize those qualities you possess are worth giving something up for every now and again View Thread
Its really a damned shame these protesters don't have an ounce of respect for one of our own countrymen/women who willing gave their life for their right to be ingorant enough not to understand there is a time and place for them to protest...a funeral isn't the time or place.
I am a veteran and its not easy hearing stories like this. There is a group out there called the "Patriot Guard Riders" please check out their website http://www.patriotguard.org/ they are there for the asking to prevent this from happening. Let me tell you from experience, anyone in uniform (local and state police, firefighters, ems) called to "monitor" a military funeral service will willingly help these guys "handle" the situation...and they all stick together to put that fire out so the family, friends, and others attending the funeral can do so in peace. Keep talking, this is no small rant.View Thread
You have a legitimate concern with your SO. Something occurred to me as I was reading your original post...you said you hate the fact that he does not set boundaries. Have you talked with him about that very point? Why is that not happening?
I'm wondering if he doesn't understand the benefits of setting boundaries, or maybe he doesn't know how? Is that something you could show him if he's willing to go down that route? Keep in mind even if that were to happen you are still left with his four kids plus your one, all with different needs and wants - the chaos will still be there albeit a happier chaos sort to speak.
It concerns me that he would allow his kids to dictate their scheduled time with him. I can understand re-arranging/switching weekends on occasion but even that should be determined between the mother and the father! The kids need to understand it is not acceptable because the court has decided custody/visitation - its a legal matter to contend with. Even if the ex doesn't have a problem with what's going on, she could document it and take him to court over it if she really wanted to.View Thread
Jeez...I was re-reading what I wrote and realized that in my haste to finish the post I left a few things out.
After all that talk of Mom's controlling ways, let me talk a little about how this influenced my behavior. For years I struggled feeling like people just didn't "get" me. I learned to cope with not feeling heard or understood using passive-aggressive behavior...guess who my teacher was? Yup, Mom. In my teens I just didn't care about me anymore - I was empty inside, and no one but me knew it. By then I had thrown up walls and shut my inside down. I was able to make it work because I just kept finding ways to PROVE myself in life...meaning with goals and success. This is why Mom refers to me as being a happy go lucky kid!
Once I had kids, things changed - I cared again. My life became chaotic and the passive agressive behavior started coming out...I started tearing down those walls. I was frustrated with myself, and couldn't help but find me to be a victim. People tried to help me, but I really thought I was a lost cause. I had this character flaw and this is just the way I am...walls went up again. I did seek out individual and group therapy on my own after leaving the father of my kids. I learned I did not have a character flaw...I actually looked in the mirror one day and saw my mother staring back at me. It was the strangest wake-up call ever!! I realized there were things about myself I saw in that mirror that I didn't like reflecting back at me. Primarily with my behavior and reactions to people...but I started paying attention to it and opening up about it in therapy. Things are better for me, but it is something I will struggle with for the rest of my life. Its not something you can just "fix", but you can work at unlearning the old ways and replacing with a learned, more positive, behavior/reaction.
I'm sharing my story because I do see this behavior in your wife...no idea where it comes from with her. If she wants to change it, it's possible...but it starts with her.View Thread
Its interesting that you mention the word influence. WOW - I mean that in a good way. I had a discussion with some friends very recently about influence and control. If you look the words up in the dictionary they are synonymous...however, one connotates something negative and the other something positive. Is it possible there was someone in her life before you who was overly-controlling? I'd like to suggest maybe she doesn't understand there is a difference.
I learned a lot about myself from this one conversation. My mothers controlling ways were crippling to me. Emotionally, I was wrong to cry when I was upset, shout when I was mad, or walk away when I needed space. There were physical restrictions also, that were generated by HER fears. For example, her friends daughter was killed by a drunk driver at the age of 13, when riding her bike home from a friends house in the middle of the day. Quite an extenuating and unfortunate circumstance no doubt - I had to pay the price of not being allowed to take my bike over one street (on a quiet residential cul de sac) to visit my friend. When her father (my grandfather) died I was 7...I wasn't allowed to attend the funeral because of what a "wake" was in her day. Granted it wasn't a good experience for her but she could have avoided the same circumstances by explaining to me what was involved and giving me the choice to go. Not only that but I wasn't around my family during the grieving period. Yet once those few days were over, I ended up being her "rock" throughout this hardship. What teenager isn't allowed to attend a concert (big name) with an adult chaperone? Me that's who...lol
By the same token there weren't many times when she would influence or suggest things to me - when she did, it wasn't so much a suggestion as it was this is what I would do.
My point in all of this isn't to bash my mother...she IS a wonderful person and I love her. My point is in gaining insight to where a persons behavior lies. Over years of stifling behavior with my mother, subconsciously I was beat down into thinking nothing I did or thought or said mattered or was right by me. I always had something to prove...HUH! So even when mom was trying to be helpful I didn't see it that way. That is something that has overtoned throughout my life. I have become more consciencious/aware of this once I had my children, left their father, and eventually met and married my husband. My husband was extremely instrumental in teaching me about suggestions/influence vs control. I was also at a point in my life where I was ready to move forward and learn from it.View Thread
queston...did you fantasy have anything to do with sex? I ask because I know this has been an issue between you and your wife. Being met with her very terse "yup" is passive-aggressive behavior. THAT is the problem that needs to be addressed. Have the two of you considered marriage counselling to work on looking at and fixing that behavior??View Thread