I do have an understanding of how sex frequency changes over time in a relationship, and how it can affect a persons self esteem.
We all tend to go over the top pleasing our new mate in the beginning of a relationship...there's mystery, lust, heightened senses, all things say "this is freakin awesome, I want more!". It feels good being loved, wanted, and cared for. Those feelings carry over for a period of time until we reach a comfort zone with the other person...that's when things start to level off a bit. It feels like things have changed, but really we become comfortable enough to let our hair down a little. I think that may be what you are experiencing with your bf.
Maybe its time to stop expecting him and/or asking him to give you something he can't. Put your big girl pants on and lay it on the line what your needs are in such a way that doesn't put him on the defensive. Put the ball in his court for him to decide what he can give you. Then take your next steps from there.View Thread
I agree with what cto312, and a few others have said. The word that caught my attention is "insecure". Security comes from within...the only person you can change is yourself. People are capable of changing but it is not his responsibility to change for you, only for himself. He can choose to be supportive of you on his own accord...he is acting in a way that is natural for him and it doesn't feel good enough. Asking him to give you something he cannot and making it an expectation is quite possibly sending a message of unacceptance to him. He doesn't want to disappoint you, my guess is he may be telling you what you want to hear to appease you.It makes sense to me why at times he would send a message of rejection back at you. That may be the only way he feels he can express the reality of his feelings with you. Even if he doesn't mean it now, eventually this issue could bring him to a breaking point.
Have you thought about counselling for yourself? I think it would help for you to explore what's behind your negative self-image and insecurity.
I'm curious if the pot smoking and plunge in sexual activity coincides with the beginning expressions of this issue w/bf?
Not putting everything on you...your bf seems to have issues he is struggling with also. Its up to him to take responsibility for himself. I wish you both the best!View Thread
I think though the real test is would I be comfortable doing it if hubby was reading what I was typing. And I wouldn't. So I guess that answers that. Remind yourself of this EVERY time you decide to chat. I always keep tabs on myself and how emotionally involved I am with chat friends and not let it get too far as far as my heart goes. Please do not kid yourself...your husband has a legitimate concern and he has expressed his worry with you. It may seem under control, even fun and games now. If you and your husband don't get this out in the open for discussion and resolution, your desire to seek what's missing in your life will continue to grow - unbeknowst to the man you are married to. He's putting a great deal of faith in you...think about what you are potentially inviting into your marriage. It sounds like you realize there is potential for disaster...I'd like to suggest side-stepping temptation by not putting yourself in the position for resisting it in the first place. I understand your need for a social outlet. Why do you need to chat with men and engage in discussions of a sexual nature? I also understand your need for sexual fulfillment. When your husband gets home tonight, make love with him!View Thread
We felt it in NH...I was at work discussing a project with a collegue when another collegue called out "did you feel the earthquake?" At that moment the guy I was talking with was looking intently at his computer moniters...that's when I noticed they were shaking. A few seconds later I felt the next shockwave. Ten minutes later we learned it had originated in VA!View Thread
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." Washington Irving
I love that quote.
Guard you've raised a compassionate young woman...such a rarity in young people these days. Congrats to her for winning more scholarship money! I'm sorry you feel embarrassed for crying...there's nothing wrong with you for doing so. As with any emotion it shows great sensitivity to all that surrounds you.
I'm a person who wears my emotions on my shirtsleeve as they say. But I don't neccessarily talk about things when I am all emotional...I find if I do I tend to regret it later. I have a tendancy to cry over movies, tv shows, books, music, basically anything relating to heartbreaks/hardships. My husband doesn't cry much (at least not in front of me) but when he does I know he is sincerely feeling something from deep within.
Lately I am filled with sadness and grief over the emotional distance and physical separation between my husband and I...I've been crying a lot, mostly in private but there are times when it hits me and I can't control it. I'm grieving over what we did/didn't do to get to this point and I'm sad he's not there when I get home. Its not all bad and sad though...we are growing as people during this time and I hope we eventually end up on the same page. I do my best to stay in the present moments of the day so I am not thinking about things but it is always there in the background. View Thread
I am so sorry for what you are going through...I understand how you feel as I've been through something similar. I still feel that sinking feeling after two years and it has been difficult regaining trust again...however in my case we are separated, and sorting out other issues as well.
For you time, and effort on her part as well as yours will lead you where you need to be. Expect nothing - expectations lead to disappointment - take it one step at a time. Allow yourself to process your feelings with this. Take whatever time you need and do everything you possibly can to find resolve with your trust issues. If you don't have resolve, it will be difficult to move forward in your marriage - and should separation/divorce result you'll still need to find resolve before even thinking of entering into a new relationship. Otherwise you'll continue to carry that baggage with you.
I can offer a few suggestions: first, find someone to talk to. An unbiased party such as a counsellor, and/or a trusted friend who will listen and offer support. The two of you may also consider some type of joint counselling to help work through this. Second, let her know you will be paying attention to her words/actions and pointing out any inconsistencies with her for discussion...if you choose to do this, do it without making any accusations when you approach her. Third, if she is willing to work with you to help restore your trust in her, it isn't unreasonable for you to request access to her phone and e-mail/fb account for your peace of mind. It won't be easy, things won't change overnight...communicate often but do so when each of you is in a clear, calm, frame of mind.
Please keep blogging here...the support and perspectives offered are invaluable.View Thread
I only have my experience to offer...my husband and I went through a "dry" time sexually speaking. It was an awful time for both of us - at the time I didn't understand what was going on with me because I always enjoyed sex. I didn't feel sexy, although he never made me feel like I wasn't. I went to my family Dr., my OBG/YN, and counselling to try and sort out my issue. Looking back I know I was exhausted from working, and at some point depression had set in. When he wanted sex I was usually too busy or too tired. We did have sex every couple of weeks (sometimes more often and a few times it was a months in between) but it wasn't as often as he wanted...I wanted more too, but getting in the mood when he already was didn't come easy. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night ready to rock and roll but by then he wasn't in the mood - I liked morning sex but that didn't happen very often because it made him sleepy and he had to go to work. I would come home after a long day at work switching hats to be wife/mom and all the responsibilities that go along with that. So far as the housework and kids, I was the problem as I wouldn't ask for help - and I didn't take those little moments to enjoy with my husband when he asked because I was making dinner, doing dishes, helping with homework, picking up kids, dropping them off, going to the store etc. You get the picture? Its not right, but I know my stubborness for "doing it all" affected my desire for sex. Also wasn't sure I wanted to risk getting pregnant with another child. Not that I didn't want another child, but the thought of adding another one to the mix at that time was an overwhelming thought. Again, I didn't ask my husband to help (at times he did offer but I usually refused as felt I had everything under control). He worked longer hours and more days than I, he has a very physically and mentally exhausting job. I think if he had taken the reins and done things on his own to help around the house or with the kids I would have responded differently during that time. I am responsible for putting all that pressure on me...I'm just a person who doesn't often ask for help, but I'm learning to reach out more. He's more than happy to help, when I do ask him - otherwise he probably didn't know what to do. I was the one who didn't want to burden him to do more and I took on more than I should have. The sex issue caused a great deal of resentment for him down the road, and we've been struggling for two years in a rough patch as we are working through this and other issues in our marriage. Don't know if we will move forward as a couple or not. But I do know as the kids have grown older and as more responsibilities have fallen their way, as well as me working less hours and backing out of other obligations I've been way more relaxed - and my sexual appetite has grown back to the way it used to be. Unfortunately now we aren't enjoying our sexual life together, we are separated. When we do have sex its amazing! However, there is a struggle between emotional connect/disconnect from each other so its also a very confusing time.
I guess I'm suggesting counselling for her and maybe both of you before it gets to a breaking point. Some of your hunny's comments are concerning, however I know I said some hurtful things I didn't mean to my husband out of sheer frustration. It was wrong, and I did apologize the few times that happened, but I know those comments hurt him deep. I can't take them back...I can only hope he can find forgiveness in his heart. I hope this helps you in some way. Best to you - I am sorry you are going through this.View Thread