"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." Washington Irving
I love that quote.
Guard you've raised a compassionate young woman...such a rarity in young people these days. Congrats to her for winning more scholarship money! I'm sorry you feel embarrassed for crying...there's nothing wrong with you for doing so. As with any emotion it shows great sensitivity to all that surrounds you.
I'm a person who wears my emotions on my shirtsleeve as they say. But I don't neccessarily talk about things when I am all emotional...I find if I do I tend to regret it later. I have a tendancy to cry over movies, tv shows, books, music, basically anything relating to heartbreaks/hardships. My husband doesn't cry much (at least not in front of me) but when he does I know he is sincerely feeling something from deep within.
Lately I am filled with sadness and grief over the emotional distance and physical separation between my husband and I...I've been crying a lot, mostly in private but there are times when it hits me and I can't control it. I'm grieving over what we did/didn't do to get to this point and I'm sad he's not there when I get home. Its not all bad and sad though...we are growing as people during this time and I hope we eventually end up on the same page. I do my best to stay in the present moments of the day so I am not thinking about things but it is always there in the background. View Thread
I am so sorry for what you are going through...I understand how you feel as I've been through something similar. I still feel that sinking feeling after two years and it has been difficult regaining trust again...however in my case we are separated, and sorting out other issues as well.
For you time, and effort on her part as well as yours will lead you where you need to be. Expect nothing - expectations lead to disappointment - take it one step at a time. Allow yourself to process your feelings with this. Take whatever time you need and do everything you possibly can to find resolve with your trust issues. If you don't have resolve, it will be difficult to move forward in your marriage - and should separation/divorce result you'll still need to find resolve before even thinking of entering into a new relationship. Otherwise you'll continue to carry that baggage with you.
I can offer a few suggestions: first, find someone to talk to. An unbiased party such as a counsellor, and/or a trusted friend who will listen and offer support. The two of you may also consider some type of joint counselling to help work through this. Second, let her know you will be paying attention to her words/actions and pointing out any inconsistencies with her for discussion...if you choose to do this, do it without making any accusations when you approach her. Third, if she is willing to work with you to help restore your trust in her, it isn't unreasonable for you to request access to her phone and e-mail/fb account for your peace of mind. It won't be easy, things won't change overnight...communicate often but do so when each of you is in a clear, calm, frame of mind.
Please keep blogging here...the support and perspectives offered are invaluable.View Thread
I only have my experience to offer...my husband and I went through a "dry" time sexually speaking. It was an awful time for both of us - at the time I didn't understand what was going on with me because I always enjoyed sex. I didn't feel sexy, although he never made me feel like I wasn't. I went to my family Dr., my OBG/YN, and counselling to try and sort out my issue. Looking back I know I was exhausted from working, and at some point depression had set in. When he wanted sex I was usually too busy or too tired. We did have sex every couple of weeks (sometimes more often and a few times it was a months in between) but it wasn't as often as he wanted...I wanted more too, but getting in the mood when he already was didn't come easy. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night ready to rock and roll but by then he wasn't in the mood - I liked morning sex but that didn't happen very often because it made him sleepy and he had to go to work. I would come home after a long day at work switching hats to be wife/mom and all the responsibilities that go along with that. So far as the housework and kids, I was the problem as I wouldn't ask for help - and I didn't take those little moments to enjoy with my husband when he asked because I was making dinner, doing dishes, helping with homework, picking up kids, dropping them off, going to the store etc. You get the picture? Its not right, but I know my stubborness for "doing it all" affected my desire for sex. Also wasn't sure I wanted to risk getting pregnant with another child. Not that I didn't want another child, but the thought of adding another one to the mix at that time was an overwhelming thought. Again, I didn't ask my husband to help (at times he did offer but I usually refused as felt I had everything under control). He worked longer hours and more days than I, he has a very physically and mentally exhausting job. I think if he had taken the reins and done things on his own to help around the house or with the kids I would have responded differently during that time. I am responsible for putting all that pressure on me...I'm just a person who doesn't often ask for help, but I'm learning to reach out more. He's more than happy to help, when I do ask him - otherwise he probably didn't know what to do. I was the one who didn't want to burden him to do more and I took on more than I should have. The sex issue caused a great deal of resentment for him down the road, and we've been struggling for two years in a rough patch as we are working through this and other issues in our marriage. Don't know if we will move forward as a couple or not. But I do know as the kids have grown older and as more responsibilities have fallen their way, as well as me working less hours and backing out of other obligations I've been way more relaxed - and my sexual appetite has grown back to the way it used to be. Unfortunately now we aren't enjoying our sexual life together, we are separated. When we do have sex its amazing! However, there is a struggle between emotional connect/disconnect from each other so its also a very confusing time.
I guess I'm suggesting counselling for her and maybe both of you before it gets to a breaking point. Some of your hunny's comments are concerning, however I know I said some hurtful things I didn't mean to my husband out of sheer frustration. It was wrong, and I did apologize the few times that happened, but I know those comments hurt him deep. I can't take them back...I can only hope he can find forgiveness in his heart. I hope this helps you in some way. Best to you - I am sorry you are going through this.View Thread
My take on it is this guy is looking for answers/insight of the issues his wife is referring to. Maybe she hasn't shared any specifics other than alluding there were issues similar to that with her first husband. That could be what led him in the direction he took to contact Guard. Talking with this guy could provide Guard with some resolve over the relationship ending between him and his 1st wife. I don't know the story, but I do know that in time you get over the person and relationship ending, but anything unresolved sticks with you...and maybe that's why Guard is open to talking with this guy. I really don't see any harm in it. Seems there's a possibly they can help each other in some way. I do agree with Spanky though, I wouldn't share anything personal.View Thread
Guard, sounds like a great opportunity for both of you. I hope you can help one another out in some way.
This reminded me of the time I had pretty much made the decision to leave the father of my kids, I called his ex-wife and asked her why she chose to leave him. Her answers confirmed what I thought were issues between us as my reality. One which I didn't want to move forward with. After she revealed her answers with me, I thanked her and told her I had decided to leave him. In our case it was a simple conversation, and after that we had a better understanding of each other and became friends. We've never been close, but our kids are half-sibling to each other and its been nice over the years being a part of the extended family without the animosity that can occur.View Thread
I enjoy the work I do to make a living. My work is challenging and I'm constantly learning new things. Its part of why I chose to work in this field. I also like the people I work with.
The company I work for is a well established mom & pop gone corporate. The owners are fantastic people and give a lot to our community - the corporate "attitude" hasn't caught up with them over the years. But the change in dynamics of running small business to corporation has made it much harder to share better benefits for the employees. Not that the benefits are bad, I wouldn't want to give up what I have. These past few years the recession has held back any raises and there have been many job cuts. I take pride in my work and provide timely turn arounds, but the reward of a paycheck every week doesn't always inspire me go above and beyond. Funny, it wasn't so long ago I was highly motivated to do that on my own.
I think part of me feels I've paid my dues working for the man and I want something more. I don't mean the company owes me, but I am thinking about a change of scenery. Kinda like what Guard's recent posts have alluded to. All I've really figured out is I'm not getting any younger and I would like to have more time and money to enjoy things in life before I'm no longer able to. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck, and in general worrying about money. It takes away from the joy of earning it.View Thread
You spread your wings and soared...unfortunately your carry on bag needed a little repacking to keep from overflowing. Please understand this is not a criticism - its common place. You're not alone - a lack of resolve is often a stumbling block in life...in this case possibly toxic to your marriage. How do you get past the unresolve? Make your peace with it. Some great suggestions have already been made. Counselling may help you sort it out, forgiveness could be key, confronting the ex...there's no hard & fast answer, however you know what you want (and don't want) and I'm sure you have an idea the process by which you take to get there. Start with that...and challenge yourself to answer the question why this matters to you?View Thread
Thank you for taking the time to share your story and the things that help you through. I'm sorry you were put in the position to encounter such terrible things in your life. Keep working on yourself and with the relationship you have with DBF.
"if you have people around who truly love you and support you it makes it so much easier to let those people who hurt you go" I know that rings true. I was there with much love and support throughout the time in his life when he decided to break ties with his father. I understand it wasn't an easy decision for him to make - what I haven't understood is how deeply he was affected by all of it. He hasn't brought it up much over the years, but when he does I reassure him he did what was best for him. His sisters have the understanding of the kind of life I simply do not - and he's closest with them. I've suggested he seek counselling and offered to pay for it. I do know if he truly felt I hurt him he wouldn't be present in my life today.
The time apart and the distance between us over these last couple of years has been difficult for me to find peace with. I respect his need for space and I totally understand this is not about me...but it affects me and my life. We're in an intense holding pattern that is not easy for either of us to cope with. I have given him my support in many (but not all) areas. Showing him love as a friend, but also backing off as a partner. If he wants more, I trust he will let me know.
Like you, physically he needs more from me than I show him at times - many times he dismisses himself when he asks for more. I admit, I've been confused by this behavior...I took it personally which I now understand didn't help any. I will keep in mind the things you've offered, and I really appreciate all that you shared.View Thread