Thank you both for your comments. It's hard for me to accept that people can actually forgive and forget basically. I know there's not really a forgiveness thing in this case necessarily, but just the fact that my sweet husband actually doesn't hold grudges or bring things up as ammo later on is still just new to me.
The little bit of research I had done earlier seemed to indicate that normally a first outbreak would occur within 7-10 days of exposure. That was why my only thought was that it could have been his cold sore.
He's not a violent or jealous man but with him being out of town I was scared he'd let himself believe the worst.
To clarify...my wild oat sowing was NOT sleeping with everything I could find. It was one guy. But it was a VERY bad choice.
Most of my poor choices were lots of drinking, driving when I really shouldn't have been, taking trips without telling anyone where I was going, going out to clubs, staying out of work, etc.
I just wasn't acting like a responsible adult.
Thanks again for the advice and information.View Thread
Guard, I'm *so* jealous that you're going to Charleston. It is my ABSOLUTE favorite place on earth!
As far as bad vacations go... I'm sorta with Nagging - in that thinking that bad vacations aren't good. After putting all that time and effort and money into it I want things to go really well and if not I almost regret the whole thing.
I'm not sure I can pinpoint my *worst* vacation, but I've had several bad experiences. Including nasty hotel rooms, political arguments, terrible weather, sea-sickness (on a cruise), car trouble, etc.
I would first say, 'Kudos' to you and your wife for making it through such tough physical times and not only surviving but seeming to come out of it more determined to take care of yourself and live a better, healthier life.
After your many years of marriage, I cannot even begin to feel qualified to offer advice. Especially given that I failed at one after a much shorter period of time.
I would say, however, that even though your wife has changed - or seems to have changed - her habits, try not to jump to too many conclusions. Granted, what you've outlined does seem very suspicious and would lead most, if not all, to the same conclusions you've already drawn. On the other hand, she is going to counseling with you, so she must feel some investment in the marriage.
I have no experience with bi- or homo-sexuality, so if you're looking for information specifically on those topics I hope someone else can help you. But as far as Match.com goes, I get messages from them all the time. Depending on what programs I have running I will get a notification of the message delivery, even though it may be being delivered to my Spam folder. Also, I'm sure a lot of folks lie to the computer to do things they might not should (like kids clicking the 'I'm over 18' button), but unless you believe your wife is one of these folks and would lie to a potential new person in her life just to get to meet them, Match does have safeguards in place to disallow people to join (I tried after I was officially separated, but because I wasn't officially divorced I couldn't join - thank you for telling me 45 minutes later!).
Also, even if your wife is looking for something else, it might not be because she doesn't love you. She might just need more excitement or a break from routine or to be more noticed and complimented on her new image. Not to say you aren't necessarily doing those things. But, if you're both back to where you were when you first met physically for all intents and purposes, maybe you could try going back to the beginning of your relationship in other ways. Plan a date night with similar activities from when you were young.
For me, I know a little romance goes a long way. And when I lost 30 pounds I wanted to feel like I was prettier and more desirable than when I felt fat and miserable. And when I wasn't getting that attention at home, it made what I got elsewhere an even bigger deal.View Thread
Hmmmmm - I'm going to go out on a limb here, possibly. She tells you she can't think of anything you could or should be doing differently and that you're doing everything fine.
How much sexual experience do either of you have?
My ex was my first (and I was his) and, although I wasn't swept away by the sex, I couldn't tell him anything to do differently because I didn't know any different. Does that make sense?
Perhaps things aren't working for your wife for whatever reason, but she just doesn't know what might work and so can't give you any pointers.
I don't know what either of you are comfortable with, but perhaps you could start by trying to learn more or different techniques. For foreplay and for sex. If the two of you are as open as you say, maybe you can ask her to tell you what she likes and doesn't like, either while it's happening or in a discussion before or after.
I would have had a hard time having that conversation, but a lot of couples are more open than we were.
Toys and watching porn together are often thrown out as options as well. But all that depends on what you are comfortable with as a couple. And building up to things there is hesitation about rather than just jumping right in.
You also say you don't think counseling would work. But do you have any idea of your wife's feelings toward this? Maybe it's something she needs to look into as an individual. If you think it's a waste going in, you might not be very receptive to it. But being able to get out all her female, and pregnant, and general fears and frustrations and emotions might be good for her.
Sounds like she's trying to deal with some things that she doesn't want to let you in on. For whatever reason.
Sometimes we do just need to have someone point out to us that we're not acting like our normal selves or treating others the way we should or whatever.
I know depression runs in my family and I think I have some trouble with it as well as other mental health issues. These all color my view of the world, my interactions with others, my moods (obviously), everything. Sometimes I don't even realize I've fallen into a 'funk'. Is it possible your wife is experiencing similar difficulties?
Or you mentioned menopause at one point. Is that upsetting her? Other than the hormonal changes she may be feeling old and worn out; useless; undesirable; etc. I haven't experience that yet, so I don't know, I'm just throwing out ideas.
I think it's great that you are trying to work things out and talk with her on a regular basis. All I can say is, Keep trying, even those of us who don't seem to want to talk about things need to know that there are those who love us and that we can talk to them whenever the urge strikes.View Thread
I hate to say it, but I think I've been the bitch in this conversation a few times. And when I was, I was generally mad or frustrated about something. Sometimes I could put my finger on it but just didn't want to say anything and other times I really didn't know what was causing it I was just generally aggravated.
From your previous posts, and if I am recalling correctly, you help out a lot around the house. My ex didn't. That was a source of a lot of my frustration. Which led to encounters like the one above. And problems elsewhere in our relationship - like the sexual issues you've talked about.
I wish I could offer some sage advice; something that would make you feel better about your situation and would help you be able to fix it. But I never felt comfortable opening up to my ex (I know, so many warning bells should have gone off there!) and so I couldn't, wouldn't, or didn't tell him more when things were bothering me. When I did try to talk to him I felt like he wasn't hearing what I was really trying to say and that made matters worse.
I would say first off, assure your wife you do not think she is a bitch (whether or not that is the case). Explain to her how YOU feel, as much as possible without blaming her for your feelings. Give specific examples of behaviors (again trying not to blame her) that lead you to believe one thing or another.
Given the recent news about lawsuits and whatnot, you may or may not want to do this, but I also say, SNOOP! My thoughts tend to go round and round and I never get anywhere with them myself, but even so I was trying to journal or talk to friends to try to resolve some of my/our issues on my own. Your wife may be doing the same. You very likely won't like what you find, but if you're really intent on working on the issues - or on the fence about whether or not they need to be or can be worked on - then anything you find will help you come to your own decision.
Just don't tell your wife how you came about your knowledge. Some things are better that way. She doesn't need to know you looked through her personal life; the one she tried to keep hidden from you. It will make her feel violated and untrusted and disrespected.
Maybe it's not such a good idea after all! LOL I just know that I sometimes wished my ex would come across my ramblings and see that it wasn't just him I talked in circles with and there were some actual small things he could do to change. They weren't things that were big enough I felt like fighting about them (pick up your socks!), but adding up day after day after day they pushed me to my wits end.View Thread
I think if you do or ever did care about the other person it's very hard to leave with no guilt. My ex says he doesn't blame me (now), that he sees that I was just trying to save myself. I'm glad that he can now see that things were going from bad to worse, at least from my perspective, but it still doesn't make me feel any better that I ended things; that I couldn't fix things; that I wasn't strong enough to tough more things out.
On the other hand, I'm trying to be happy now. It certainly doesn't happen every day that I find myself completely over the moon. But I have a lot fewer days where I dread coming home; where I just feel downtrodden and worthless and desperate; where every situation feels like a fight waiting to happen.
I'm by no means an expert at it, but I have sorta decided that WE choose whether to feel guilty over things or not. If you can look at the situation and see that you would truly be better off, then you need to give yourself permission to take care of yourself, and you need to be able to forgive yourself for the pain or added aggravation or stress you may be causing (as long as you are not being unduly hurtful).
It is not an easy road. Nor a short one. But if it is truly the right decision for you - even temporarily - you will begin to feel better about many things in your life and will start to see a light at the end of the tunnel of dark days you've been experiencing.
I have told my friend that I am not looking for another relationship, but it is one of those instances where she was going through a bad divorce a few years ago and knows what she needs/needed and thinks I need the same and just don't realize it. We're working through our issues - like friends do.
I'm actually very content with the way things are in my LDR. We talk often, laugh a ton, and have a good time when we're together whether there's sex involved or not. That's the great part about him having been a friend for so long beforehand. I don't believe he is still with his wife, nor do I think she has any hopes of a reconciliation.
I chatted a lot with this younger guy earlier in the week. He seems like a very nice person. One I might even enjoy spending time with at some point. But I was very frank (some people might call it b!tchy) about what I am and am not looking for. Sex being very high on the not looking for list. He has not been as communicative since then, so maybe that's that.View Thread
His divorce is not final, no. We were both going through similar things with our exes and rekindled our on again off again 10 year friendship. We did not set out to have a romantic or sexual relationship, but as we spent more time together, old feelings were brought back to life (we semi-dated a loooonnnnnggggg time ago) and things just happened.
She does not approve of the fact that we were talking and hanging out before he was officially separated, even though nothing had happened at that point. And so, would not approve of the romantic nature of our relationship now.
Nevermind that her divorce is not final either, although she's been separated over 2 years, and she is seeing other people.
Island, I sense that you want me to affirm your suspicions about his relationship status so either he or I or both can be made out to be bad people. I don't think we are. I think sometimes things just change in relationships. Maybe they were never right to begin with. Maybe the right one slipped through your fingers. Maybe the right person for the moment just comes along when the moment is right.
My friend is not a bad person either. But she was cheated on and had it thrown in her face and she doesn't want to think of me as the 'other woman'. Again, all this is speculation on my part, but from what we have discussed this is where her feelings spring from.View Thread