a_pugs_person :- Couples Coping Support Group -: Support Group

Thank you both for your comments. It's hard for me to accept that people can actually...

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Advice Appreciated Thank you both for your comments. It's hard for me to accept that people can actually...

Reply: Even bad sex is good? Do you have any bad sex sto...

Good sex may have its bad moments (head bumping, etc). But *bad* sex is just plain...

Posted by a_pugs_person

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Reply: Confessions 8/22/11 thru 8/28/11 Are vacations lik...

Guard, I'm *so* jealous that you're going to Charleston. It is my ABSOLUTE favorite...

Posted by a_pugs_person

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Reply: Lost in love

I would first say, 'Kudos' to you and your wife for making it through such tough...

Posted by a_pugs_person

I would first say, 'Kudos' to you and your wife for making it through such tough physical times and not only surviving but seeming to come out of it more determined to take care of yourself and live a better, healthier life.

After your many years of marriage, I cannot even begin to feel qualified to offer advice. Especially given that I failed at one after a much shorter period of time.

I would say, however, that even though your wife has changed - or seems to have changed - her habits, try not to jump to too many conclusions. Granted, what you've outlined does seem very suspicious and would lead most, if not all, to the same conclusions you've already drawn. On the other hand, she is going to counseling with you, so she must feel some investment in the marriage.

I have no experience with bi- or homo-sexuality, so if you're looking for information specifically on those topics I hope someone else can help you. But as far as Match.com goes, I get messages from them all the time. Depending on what programs I have running I will get a notification of the message delivery, even though it may be being delivered to my Spam folder. Also, I'm sure a lot of folks lie to the computer to do things they might not should (like kids clicking the 'I'm over 18' button), but unless you believe your wife is one of these folks and would lie to a potential new person in her life just to get to meet them, Match does have safeguards in place to disallow people to join (I tried after I was officially separated, but because I wasn't officially divorced I couldn't join - thank you for telling me 45 minutes later!).

Also, even if your wife is looking for something else, it might not be because she doesn't love you. She might just need more excitement or a break from routine or to be more noticed and complimented on her new image. Not to say you aren't necessarily doing those things. But, if you're both back to where you were when you first met physically for all intents and purposes, maybe you could try going back to the beginning of your relationship in other ways. Plan a date night with similar activities from when you were young.

For me, I know a little romance goes a long way. And when I lost 30 pounds I wanted to feel like I was prettier and more desirable than when I felt fat and miserable. And when I wasn't getting that attention at home, it made what I got elsewhere an even bigger deal.View Thread

Posted bya_pugs_person

15 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Lost in love I would first say, 'Kudos' to you and your wife for making it through such tough...

Reply: How can I turn on my wife?

Hmmmmm - I'm going to go out on a limb here, possibly. She tells you she can't think...

Posted by a_pugs_person

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Reply: What am I supposed to say to this?

Sounds like she's trying to deal with some things that she doesn't want to let you in...

Posted by a_pugs_person

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Reply: What am I supposed to say to this?

Oh Boy! I hate to say it, but I think I've been the bitch in this conversation a few...

Posted by a_pugs_person

Oh Boy!

I hate to say it, but I think I've been the bitch in this conversation a few times. And when I was, I was generally mad or frustrated about something. Sometimes I could put my finger on it but just didn't want to say anything and other times I really didn't know what was causing it I was just generally aggravated.

From your previous posts, and if I am recalling correctly, you help out a lot around the house. My ex didn't. That was a source of a lot of my frustration. Which led to encounters like the one above. And problems elsewhere in our relationship - like the sexual issues you've talked about.

I wish I could offer some sage advice; something that would make you feel better about your situation and would help you be able to fix it. But I never felt comfortable opening up to my ex (I know, so many warning bells should have gone off there!) and so I couldn't, wouldn't, or didn't tell him more when things were bothering me. When I did try to talk to him I felt like he wasn't hearing what I was really trying to say and that made matters worse.

I would say first off, assure your wife you do not think she is a bitch (whether or not that is the case). Explain to her how YOU feel, as much as possible without blaming her for your feelings. Give specific examples of behaviors (again trying not to blame her) that lead you to believe one thing or another.

Given the recent news about lawsuits and whatnot, you may or may not want to do this, but I also say, SNOOP! My thoughts tend to go round and round and I never get anywhere with them myself, but even so I was trying to journal or talk to friends to try to resolve some of my/our issues on my own. Your wife may be doing the same. You very likely won't like what you find, but if you're really intent on working on the issues - or on the fence about whether or not they need to be or can be worked on - then anything you find will help you come to your own decision.

Just don't tell your wife how you came about your knowledge. Some things are better that way. She doesn't need to know you looked through her personal life; the one she tried to keep hidden from you. It will make her feel violated and untrusted and disrespected.

Maybe it's not such a good idea after all! LOL I just know that I sometimes wished my ex would come across my ramblings and see that it wasn't just him I talked in circles with and there were some actual small things he could do to change. They weren't things that were big enough I felt like fighting about them (pick up your socks!), but adding up day after day after day they pushed me to my wits end.View Thread

Posted bya_pugs_person

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Reply: Seperating without the guilt

I think if you do or ever did care about the other person it's very hard to leave...

Posted by a_pugs_person

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Reply: Younger Guy

I appreciate all the opinions offered. I have told my friend that I am not looking...

Posted by a_pugs_person

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Reply: Younger Guy

His divorce is not final, no. We were both going through similar things with our exes...

Posted by a_pugs_person

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