My friend does not know about my LDR. She knows I speak to this person, but not to the extent our relationship has grown/developed because she does not/would not fully approve of certain aspects of our relationship. She and I have been through a lot together and have realized that sometimes it's just better if we don't tell each other everything - even though we usually can.
She does not set me up on dates, but rather gives me guys phone numbers, email addresses, etc. or has them send me email or Facebook messages, etc. They're perfectly nice to talk to, but I make it clear up front I'm not looking for sex. Or at least not for just sex. That seems to shut many of them down.
She thinks I need to get laid because of the crapiness of my sex life with my ex and the fact that he was the only guy I'd ever been with. In her view (I think) if I had a few more sexual experiences I might find that I actually enjoy sex rather than seeing it as a chore and/or having no sex drive as seemed to be the case with my ex.
And, in that regard she might be right, because the LDR I'm in includes sex and it is absolutely, gloriously FANTASTIC. LOL
But, in general, no, none of that is her business, although were it not for the circumstances of the relationship I would gladly tell her. Not only to get her off my back and ease her poor worried mind about my unfulfilled needs, but to brag and share my extreme joy at finding such a wonderful and attentive lover. Who also happens to be an all-around good guy.View Thread
Sorry for posting here in the Couples Group, but the Singles Group seems to be a bit dead. I hoped someone here might have some insight.
I have a friend who is always trying to set me up. She thinks I need to get laid (her words!), even going so far as to suggest a one-night stand. She is most often trying to set me up with guys who want her but she doesn't want; guys she's messed with but decided she didn't want; that sort of thing.
First off, I'm not into sloppy seconds! LOL And I've told her this. But she says, just talk to them, get to know them, have fun having someone to hang out with every now and then. Which, honestly, it would be nice to have someone to hang out with more.
Anyway! This latest guy she's trying to set me up with is younger than my little brother. This is a HUGE issue for me. Not because I don't want to hang with someone my brother's age - we actually get along pretty good now and he can be a lot of fun. But I know I wouldn't want someone my age dating my brother, it would be weird.
This guy is 24, I'm 30, which I realize isn't as ancient as it feels sometimes. He's just starting out in life, looking for a girlfriend or at least a fling, and I'm coming off a divorce, sorta in an LDR with someone else, and not interested in flings.
Is it reasonable to think that he's too young for me - at least at this point in our lives and/or for a relationship? Or am I being too picky? Like I said, I don't have a problem hanging out and getting to know him. But I've been very blunt with both of them that I'm not looking for a relationship, especially not a sexual one, and neither seems to be hearing that.
How do I handle this situation, when it's very clear that we're after two different things?
And, since I can't tell my friend about my other relationship for reasons I won't get into here, how I can make it clear to her that I don't want to be set up, especially with her cast offs?View Thread
This is not a direct response to the post it's linked to - in case anyone wonders why it makes no sense!
I have been following this topic and after reading through it when I got home I sat on it for a while and a thought hit me.
At some point in the discussion it was brought up that the 'state' (ie, government or society) is somehow hurt or damaged by people who marry and divorce repeatedly. I don't remember the exact wording, and didn't want to go back to look for it. But I believe the 'perks' of marriage such as insurance and taxes were also brought up (and, in fact, I may have mentioned them in a previous post).
Here is the thought that occurred to me:
The 'state' actually BENEFITS from marriage contracts. In most areas, the withholding tables for those people who are married and report as such on their taxes is higher. This means that day to day the government has more operating dollars than if everyone was reporting as single. This provides for a lot of services and helps keep everyone's costs low (theoretically speaking).
In addition, many loan programs, especially government loan programs, are hard to qualify for on individual incomes or without establishing relationships between borrowers (not impossible, just more difficult). The government buys mortgages, for example. The more people/couples who can qualify for a mortgage the better off the government is because they collect the interest and fees that are paid for those loans.
I guess I still don't understand how a 'concept' can be mandated or governed. Fidelity and Forever are concepts. Marriage is a contract.
In my opinion, and as far as the government should be concerned (again, IMO).
I do agree that it would be ideal if everyone who entered into a marriage was able to give it the thought it deserved and treated it with the care and respect and consideration it deserves. But I think limiting marriages to 1 to solve those issues is a bit like shutting the barn door after the horse has already gotten out. Make it harder to get a 1st marriage, not impossible to get a subsequent one.View Thread
I don't understand why you're focusing on the legal definition(?) of marriage. Particularly when coupled with the "fool me once" argument. Perhaps I don't understand, but to me, the promises/vows people make on their wedding day, whether in a legal ceremony or a religious one, are rooted in religious beliefs. We're supposed to live in a nation that separates church and state. People can enter into all sorts of contracts and partnerships - legally - multiple times over the course of their lives. These partnerships can also be dissolved for any number of reasons. Why should the 'legal' definition of marriage be any different? Two people (for the purpose of my argument, I don't care what their genders) have entered into a contract, which will allow them certain benefits - tax breaks, health insurance, etc. If that contract should no longer be mutually beneficial why should it not be able to be broken?
I realize in a marriage - particularly in the vows - there are also other expectations - fidelity, etc. But, again, those are mostly rooted in religious beliefs. Although there are laws against adultery, fornication, oral sex, and many other acts still on the books in many states. And, as brought up in the thread about Fantasia being sued for alienation of affection, some folks will find a way to try to have those laws enforced. Would all laws related to sexual acts be repealed if marriage was only legal once?
My state does not require a year of living together before getting married, but they do require a year's legal separation before granting a divorce. Annulment is not an option as far as I know. Did that year make me want a divorce any less? No. Did it make things any easier between me and my ex? No, in fact it made things harder because we still had to 'act as if' for a year. He still held out hope things would change. He couldn't or wouldn't move on. And I felt trapped and that I would be/was cheating if I tried to move on.
I didn't marry him for the right reasons. I knew it then and I know it now. But I did try to make it work. For 10 years. I went into it thinking it would be the only time I got married. But sometimes things just don't work out.
My first question is, are these your friends as a couple or your friends as an individual?
My ex was hesitant to go out with or over to the houses of 'my' friends, and I was probably also hesitant to spend a lot of time with 'his' friends. We didn't really have any friends that were couples that we met as a couple.
Neither of us had any issues with the other person's friends, but we also didn't have a lot in common with them, or the talk revolved around work or whatever group the connection had been made in and it always left one of us out.
Since we split up, I have realized that many of my (and his?) friends were aware that we were having trouble, maybe even moreso than we were. I think that may have influenced their desire to hang out with us.
Knowing that you are your wife are having some issues, perhaps others are picking up on this, or on the fact that you seem to be having to ask permission and/or convince her to do things and it just seems easier for everyone to not put that pressure on you and wonder if you will or won't ultimately come through.
I don't know about your wife, but my ex's friends - even those who now know me well - are/were put off by me. They don't really think I'm a bitch, I don't think, but they're not quite sure how to take me or how to act around me. This could be another factor with your wife, especially if she doesn't get out much or takes a while to warm up to folks, etc.
My parents had a rule when I was growing up that I couldn't go to a friends house or have them over to my house until the visit had been reciprocated. Occasionally this was bent to allow 2 visits in a row or something, but for the most part I think they felt that the responsibility needed to be shared amongst all parents. The same is true of friendships. I think about that all the time when I'm invited somewhere - how will I reciprocate this invitation?
Perhaps you and your wife could start a date night and meet other couples at a location instead of going to someone's house. Then you can interact with other folks, but avoid the implied responsibility of hosting an evening.View Thread
Darlyn, my heart goes out to you! I can't imagine giving up all you had to - even for love - and then to lose children on top of it all.
I do not have children, but he does, and he does not want to miss out on his son's life. So, I very much understand why he wants/expects/thinks I should be the one to move - especially since I am not happy in my current town anyway. And I would not want him to miss out on his son's life in any way - as you should not have been expected to miss out on your family's lives!View Thread
@ Luvin - yes, I care about him very much. And, in many ways I am more concerned about the actual move than being with him.
@CJH - I have read your responses on other topics and you always seem to have good advice to offer. I don't know if it makes any difference or not to your point, but our previous 'relationship' was more of a group dating thing in college where we sort of ended up as a couple a few times, but wasn't anything terribly serious. I met and started dating my husband seriously, which is what led to the end of our budding (potential) romance.
I am 99% certain his divorce will go through. In my state the separation term is a year, I'm not sure about his. The completion of a separation period does not immediately dissolve the marriage though - BOO!
I am trying to dissuade any talk of a future marriage. In fact, I've said, and (right now at least) believe I'd rather 'live in sin' than get married again. Especially given some of our particular circumstances and ex's issues.
Although it's not your particular phrase, I think I will talk to him about setting some 'guidelines' for our relationship though. Will we see other people and such. He says he's not interested in dating either, but you never know when the opportunity might arise. And he doesn't want people to think he left his wife for me (it was already in the works), so seeing other women might be a good thing.
I want to move from where I am - so I've made my peace with being away from my family. I'm not that close to them now - a couple of hours. But I have never wanted to live in the city he lives in. Although there's a lot of culture and activities, he would be my major draw. If not for his son, I think we would try to find somewhere we both would enjoy.
I appreciate the replies so far. I look forward to hearing more!View Thread
I'll apologize in advance for the length I'm sure this will end up being. I tend to get a bit wordy!
I'm struggling with a lot of things in my life right now and I don't know if it's because I have a tendency to be pessimistic and overthink or if there are really some things that need to be dealt with.
I am recently single again, after a 10 year marriage. I am in an LDR with someone in a similar position, although his divorce is not final yet. He has a small child and his family lives fairly close to him.
We had a brief attempt at a relationship before I got together with my husband, but it just didn't seem like the right time for us then. Although we both apparently harbored and tried to hide feelings for the other all these years while we remained friends.
Anyway - to begin to get to the point. This man is only the 3rd person I've really had a relationship with. A high school boyfriend, him the first time, my husband, and now him again.
He made a joke last night about me being out to dinner with another man b/c I wasn't home when I usually am. I asked what he would think if I had been and he said he would be fine with it but that he wouldn't really understand why I'd done it. Which got us off on the topic of dating again in general.
When we first started talking again and were talking about the problems in our marriages, we both said we needed/wanted time to find ourselves (or whatever) before jumping into something with someone else. Neither of us (that I'm aware of) has ever really lived alone, been free to date lots of people, etc. We've either been at our parents, in a long term relationship, and/or married.
He is more sexually experienced than I am, however.
I know I love this man. I've loved him in one way or another as long as I've known him. And I truly believe him when he says he loves me. I cannot remember ever feeling this way about anyone - even my husband. We have so much in common and get along great and have a long-term friendship to base a relationship on.
What concerns me is that we seem to be moving awfully fast from 'We need to find ourselves' to 'We're going to be together forever'. He hasn't actually come out and said that last bit, but he does want me to move to where he is and has indicated he expects us to get married at some point.
He says I've been damaged by my previous relationship and that I shouldn't worry that the same problems I had there will happen with us.
I don't really want to date. I don't want to try to meet new people. I don't want to go out and have sex just to up my number of partners.
But I couldn't live with myself if I ever really hurt this person. I know if I did go out and found someone else it would hurt him now. But I also think he actually would sorta understand because he's not 'free and clear' as he puts it.
What I really don't want to happen is to get 10 more years down the road after being in his life and his son's life and find out I'm in the same place I was with my husband.
And I don't want to pack up and move (and try to sell my house) and be surround by his and his ex's families and be 6-8 hours away from mine and have things not work out.
Should I put more faith in my feelings for him, and his for me? Or do I need to get out there and meet more people and at least give dating a try before settling into something else?
When I got separated I didn't think I needed or wanted anyone else. Everything has happened quickly and unexpectedly with this person. But I don't know if that has to mean it's a bad thing.
I'd love to hear others' opinions on this. And if I've been confusing I'd be happy to answer questions. I tend to talk in circles sometimes!View Thread
GAH! Amen to 'frustratingly short'!! My former spouse was easily aroused and wanted to go straight to intercourse. I was not so easily aroused and didn't even have time to get turned on before he was done.
It sounds like you feel like you are in a no win situation. Perhaps you are.
Have you tried date nights or scheduling sex?
We never did, b/c I always felt more pressured to perform and therefore less inclined to. But I know it does work for some couples.View Thread
Does she enjoy sex with you? Has she ever? Is she getting what she needs from you in your sex life? Is she getting what she needs from you in the rest of your lives? Does she feel comfortable exploring her own feelings and talking about them?
Lots of questions. Maybe you don't have the answers. Here's why I ask though:
I lost all interest in my former husband and (I thought) in sex in general. I couldn't really tell him why. Partly because I didn't know - didn't know how to put it into words, didn't want to think about it, didn't think I was supposed to want it anyway, etc. etc.
On looking back though, a lot of it is because I was bored! He'd been my first and only lover. I didn't know any better/differently, so I couldn't suggest or direct him to do different things, but I just wasn't getting anything physically out of the sex. It was repetitious, predictable. Like eating leftovers of someone else's favorite meal. He was getting what he needed/wanted - albeit not as often as he'd like - but he was happy with the quality of sex.
I wasn't happy with the quality and therefore certainly didn't want more quantity.
I was also not happy in many other aspects of our marriage. I didn't feel like I got the support I needed. Didn't feel like I had a true partner. But these were also thoughts and feelings I didn't want to examine and/or didn't know how to explain. And I didn't want to hurt his feelings by letting him know he wasn't living up to what I needed. I can't say my expectations, b/c I don't think they were true expectations that I'd had about marriage or him. Not in the beginning. They were things I found out I needed as we went along. And he just wasn't the right person to be able to provide them.
It's always a difficult situation when there are kids involved. And I still can't imagine how difficult it must be for one person to want/need sex so much and the other not to. That's one area where I haven't been able to see my husband's side. I didn't feel closer to him, I felt ogled and used.
I hope you can work something out with your wife. Perhaps she would be open to keeping a journal or jotting thoughts down. Sometimes it is easier to write out your feelings than to speak them.View Thread