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My friend does not know about my LDR. She knows I speak to this person, but not to...

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Younger Guy

Sorry for posting here in the Couples Group, but the Singles Group seems to be a bit...

Posted by a_pugs_person

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Reply: Marriage: One Time Only?

This is not a direct response to the post it's linked to - in case anyone wonders why...

Posted by a_pugs_person

This is not a direct response to the post it's linked to - in case anyone wonders why it makes no sense!

I have been following this topic and after reading through it when I got home I sat on it for a while and a thought hit me.

At some point in the discussion it was brought up that the 'state' (ie, government or society) is somehow hurt or damaged by people who marry and divorce repeatedly. I don't remember the exact wording, and didn't want to go back to look for it. But I believe the 'perks' of marriage such as insurance and taxes were also brought up (and, in fact, I may have mentioned them in a previous post).

Here is the thought that occurred to me:

The 'state' actually BENEFITS from marriage contracts. In most areas, the withholding tables for those people who are married and report as such on their taxes is higher. This means that day to day the government has more operating dollars than if everyone was reporting as single. This provides for a lot of services and helps keep everyone's costs low (theoretically speaking).

In addition, many loan programs, especially government loan programs, are hard to qualify for on individual incomes or without establishing relationships between borrowers (not impossible, just more difficult). The government buys mortgages, for example. The more people/couples who can qualify for a mortgage the better off the government is because they collect the interest and fees that are paid for those loans.

I guess I still don't understand how a 'concept' can be mandated or governed. Fidelity and Forever are concepts. Marriage is a contract.

In my opinion, and as far as the government should be concerned (again, IMO).

I do agree that it would be ideal if everyone who entered into a marriage was able to give it the thought it deserved and treated it with the care and respect and consideration it deserves. But I think limiting marriages to 1 to solve those issues is a bit like shutting the barn door after the horse has already gotten out. Make it harder to get a 1st marriage, not impossible to get a subsequent one.View Thread

Posted bya_pugs_person

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Reply: Marriage: One Time Only?

I don't understand why you're focusing on the legal definition(?) of marriage....

Posted by a_pugs_person

I don't understand why you're focusing on the legal definition(?) of marriage. Particularly when coupled with the "fool me once" argument. Perhaps I don't understand, but to me, the promises/vows people make on their wedding day, whether in a legal ceremony or a religious one, are rooted in religious beliefs. We're supposed to live in a nation that separates church and state. People can enter into all sorts of contracts and partnerships - legally - multiple times over the course of their lives. These partnerships can also be dissolved for any number of reasons. Why should the 'legal' definition of marriage be any different? Two people (for the purpose of my argument, I don't care what their genders) have entered into a contract, which will allow them certain benefits - tax breaks, health insurance, etc. If that contract should no longer be mutually beneficial why should it not be able to be broken?

I realize in a marriage - particularly in the vows - there are also other expectations - fidelity, etc. But, again, those are mostly rooted in religious beliefs. Although there are laws against adultery, fornication, oral sex, and many other acts still on the books in many states. And, as brought up in the thread about Fantasia being sued for alienation of affection, some folks will find a way to try to have those laws enforced. Would all laws related to sexual acts be repealed if marriage was only legal once?

My state does not require a year of living together before getting married, but they do require a year's legal separation before granting a divorce. Annulment is not an option as far as I know. Did that year make me want a divorce any less? No. Did it make things any easier between me and my ex? No, in fact it made things harder because we still had to 'act as if' for a year. He still held out hope things would change. He couldn't or wouldn't move on. And I felt trapped and that I would be/was cheating if I tried to move on.

I didn't marry him for the right reasons. I knew it then and I know it now. But I did try to make it work. For 10 years. I went into it thinking it would be the only time I got married. But sometimes things just don't work out.

OK, gonna get off my soap box or whatever.

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Posted bya_pugs_person

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Reply: honest response please...now its all making sense

My first question is, are these your friends as a couple or your friends as an...

Posted by a_pugs_person

My first question is, are these your friends as a couple or your friends as an individual?

My ex was hesitant to go out with or over to the houses of 'my' friends, and I was probably also hesitant to spend a lot of time with 'his' friends. We didn't really have any friends that were couples that we met as a couple.

Neither of us had any issues with the other person's friends, but we also didn't have a lot in common with them, or the talk revolved around work or whatever group the connection had been made in and it always left one of us out.

Since we split up, I have realized that many of my (and his?) friends were aware that we were having trouble, maybe even moreso than we were. I think that may have influenced their desire to hang out with us.

Knowing that you are your wife are having some issues, perhaps others are picking up on this, or on the fact that you seem to be having to ask permission and/or convince her to do things and it just seems easier for everyone to not put that pressure on you and wonder if you will or won't ultimately come through.

I don't know about your wife, but my ex's friends - even those who now know me well - are/were put off by me. They don't really think I'm a bitch, I don't think, but they're not quite sure how to take me or how to act around me. This could be another factor with your wife, especially if she doesn't get out much or takes a while to warm up to folks, etc.

My parents had a rule when I was growing up that I couldn't go to a friends house or have them over to my house until the visit had been reciprocated. Occasionally this was bent to allow 2 visits in a row or something, but for the most part I think they felt that the responsibility needed to be shared amongst all parents. The same is true of friendships. I think about that all the time when I'm invited somewhere - how will I reciprocate this invitation?

Perhaps you and your wife could start a date night and meet other couples at a location instead of going to someone's house. Then you can interact with other folks, but avoid the implied responsibility of hosting an evening.View Thread

Posted bya_pugs_person

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Reply: Need More Experience(s)???

Darlyn, my heart goes out to you! I can't imagine giving up all you had to - even for...

Posted by a_pugs_person

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Reply: Need More Experience(s)???

@ Luvin - yes, I care about him very much. And, in many ways I am more concerned...

Posted by a_pugs_person

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Need More Experience(s)???

I'll apologize in advance for the length I'm sure this will end up being. I tend to...

Posted by a_pugs_person

I'll apologize in advance for the length I'm sure this will end up being. I tend to get a bit wordy!

I'm struggling with a lot of things in my life right now and I don't know if it's because I have a tendency to be pessimistic and overthink or if there are really some things that need to be dealt with.

I am recently single again, after a 10 year marriage. I am in an LDR with someone in a similar position, although his divorce is not final yet. He has a small child and his family lives fairly close to him.

We had a brief attempt at a relationship before I got together with my husband, but it just didn't seem like the right time for us then. Although we both apparently harbored and tried to hide feelings for the other all these years while we remained friends.

Anyway - to begin to get to the point. This man is only the 3rd person I've really had a relationship with. A high school boyfriend, him the first time, my husband, and now him again.

He made a joke last night about me being out to dinner with another man b/c I wasn't home when I usually am. I asked what he would think if I had been and he said he would be fine with it but that he wouldn't really understand why I'd done it. Which got us off on the topic of dating again in general.

When we first started talking again and were talking about the problems in our marriages, we both said we needed/wanted time to find ourselves (or whatever) before jumping into something with someone else. Neither of us (that I'm aware of) has ever really lived alone, been free to date lots of people, etc. We've either been at our parents, in a long term relationship, and/or married.

He is more sexually experienced than I am, however.

I know I love this man. I've loved him in one way or another as long as I've known him. And I truly believe him when he says he loves me. I cannot remember ever feeling this way about anyone - even my husband. We have so much in common and get along great and have a long-term friendship to base a relationship on.

What concerns me is that we seem to be moving awfully fast from 'We need to find ourselves' to 'We're going to be together forever'. He hasn't actually come out and said that last bit, but he does want me to move to where he is and has indicated he expects us to get married at some point.

He says I've been damaged by my previous relationship and that I shouldn't worry that the same problems I had there will happen with us.

I don't really want to date. I don't want to try to meet new people. I don't want to go out and have sex just to up my number of partners.

But I couldn't live with myself if I ever really hurt this person. I know if I did go out and found someone else it would hurt him now. But I also think he actually would sorta understand because he's not 'free and clear' as he puts it.

What I really don't want to happen is to get 10 more years down the road after being in his life and his son's life and find out I'm in the same place I was with my husband.

And I don't want to pack up and move (and try to sell my house) and be surround by his and his ex's families and be 6-8 hours away from mine and have things not work out.

Should I put more faith in my feelings for him, and his for me? Or do I need to get out there and meet more people and at least give dating a try before settling into something else?

When I got separated I didn't think I needed or wanted anyone else. Everything has happened quickly and unexpectedly with this person. But I don't know if that has to mean it's a bad thing.

I'd love to hear others' opinions on this. And if I've been confusing I'd be happy to answer questions. I tend to talk in circles sometimes!View Thread

Posted bya_pugs_person

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Reply: Life's tiny disappointments

GAH! Amen to 'frustratingly short'!! My former spouse was easily aroused and wanted...

Posted by a_pugs_person

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Reply: Sexless Marriage Redux - No Poll!

Does she enjoy sex with you? Has she ever? Is she getting what she needs from you in...

Posted by a_pugs_person

Does she enjoy sex with you? Has she ever? Is she getting what she needs from you in your sex life? Is she getting what she needs from you in the rest of your lives? Does she feel comfortable exploring her own feelings and talking about them?

Lots of questions. Maybe you don't have the answers. Here's why I ask though:

I lost all interest in my former husband and (I thought) in sex in general. I couldn't really tell him why. Partly because I didn't know - didn't know how to put it into words, didn't want to think about it, didn't think I was supposed to want it anyway, etc. etc.

On looking back though, a lot of it is because I was bored! He'd been my first and only lover. I didn't know any better/differently, so I couldn't suggest or direct him to do different things, but I just wasn't getting anything physically out of the sex. It was repetitious, predictable. Like eating leftovers of someone else's favorite meal. He was getting what he needed/wanted - albeit not as often as he'd like - but he was happy with the quality of sex.

I wasn't happy with the quality and therefore certainly didn't want more quantity.

I was also not happy in many other aspects of our marriage. I didn't feel like I got the support I needed. Didn't feel like I had a true partner. But these were also thoughts and feelings I didn't want to examine and/or didn't know how to explain. And I didn't want to hurt his feelings by letting him know he wasn't living up to what I needed. I can't say my expectations, b/c I don't think they were true expectations that I'd had about marriage or him. Not in the beginning. They were things I found out I needed as we went along. And he just wasn't the right person to be able to provide them.

It's always a difficult situation when there are kids involved. And I still can't imagine how difficult it must be for one person to want/need sex so much and the other not to. That's one area where I haven't been able to see my husband's side. I didn't feel closer to him, I felt ogled and used.

I hope you can work something out with your wife. Perhaps she would be open to keeping a journal or jotting thoughts down. Sometimes it is easier to write out your feelings than to speak them.View Thread

Posted bya_pugs_person

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