'Love' is just a word unless it's backed by actions. So, no--"Love" on it's own is not enough. Without you AND your husband attending marriage counseling and working to repair it (an action that is desperately needed at this point), I really don't see hope for your union...just a downward spiral.View Thread
FCL asked a very good question. Quite frankly, your description of your relationship is sending up a lot of red flags. In my opinion, it sounds as though he's having second thoughts about whether he actually wants a divorce, and he's feeling guilty/regrets sleeping with you while he's still married to his wife. He actually told you he doesn't want to sleep with you anymore.
There's not really a good reason to continually accept her calls while he's with you if he's truly done with his marriage. From your description, it sounds like they separated pretty much immediately after he found out about her infidelity, and he had in mind a series of casual 'dates' to help him get over a cheating spouse. Instead, he met you. He may actually care about you...but legally, he's still married--and he still feels married. He might also not be ready to start another committed relationship given what's happened (as well as the fact that his last committed relationship isn't technically over yet).
In my opinion, there's nothing to be gained in staying in this relationship unless he decides he wants you, and only you, in his life. A good indication of that would be finalizing the divorce & for him to stop taking her calls. Right now, he can't seem to decide between you and his wife...and you're going to get hurt.View Thread
1st off, if you are either the husband or the wife in this situation, while I can understand how referring to it in the 3rd person may help you get a little distance and perspective; it's confusing--& so is the lack of paragraphs.
Secondly, both spouses in your story have contributed to the current rocky state of the marriage---and both of them will need to show genuine effort, love, and understanding to fix it. The husband needs to open up more--running away from his problems and his marriage is not the way to handle things; neither is the wife's declaration that her husband must be mentally ill to act in such a way.
Saying you need space and then declaring you're going to sign a 3month lease, packs your things, and move out are two completely separate things--so I can understand why the wife was upset. Her husband is moving out without even bothering to attend couples counseling, or even really talk to her about what's going on--right on the heels of her finding out that while her husband refuses to talk to her, he's more than happy to talk to another woman. By the same token...it seems she didn't understand that her constant attempts to get her husband to open up were one of things things driving him away. I'd strongly recommend couples counseling for both of them--as well as joint sessions where the two attend counseling together in neutral ground.View Thread
I can certainly understand why you're having a tough time--& I think Pi is right on the money--have a good cry tonight, let it all out, and maybe you'll feel a little more centered tomorrow. If you still cry a little, it's no big deal.
I know where you're coming from with the memory of death preceding a birthday. It happens to me every year in June. The anniversary of my miscarriage, followed by my birthday & the marking of another year of my life without my daughter. It's been 3yrs now...and it's always a rough couple of days. I never forget her, but it's so hard to get into a celebratory spirit about life immediately after being reminded she never had a chance to live hers.
You've accomplished so much, and it sounds as though you & your husband have raised the kids to be a credit to your marriage and the one that went before Congratulations on reaching those milestones, and ((Hugs)) again as the week rolls on. I'll be thinking of you, and wishing you and your family the best of luck and joy going forwards.View Thread
I don't think you're overreacting. Admittedly, my relationships with my parents isn't great either. I was needed, not wanted, growing up; and I'm still needed, not wanted, today. They have no qualms leaning on me whenever they need something, but they're very rarely if ever there in return. I try to limit my interaction with them because I know they'll never change, and it makes me too hurt and angry to endure being treated like that for long.
You might consider limiting the amount of time you spend with them or creating some distance. It sounds as though you're making some pretty big changes in your life, and your best hope for success lays in making sure that the people in your life are supportive of that. Unfortunately, right now your parents aren't. They may come around eventually, but for the immediate future, I'd recommend setting some healthy boundaries to limit the amount of damage they can cause by simply being themselves.View Thread
Yes. My ex-fiance and I had a bit of a boundary in place when it came to his mom. She hated when the two of us were together, and despised me--I think she saw me as competition. We'd leave if she started in on us, or just plain tune her out, and avoided being around her because she couldn't leave us alone. That boundary was one of the main reasons we lasted as long as we did--we were a united front against her lack of respect for our relationship.View Thread
Darlyn05, I've been doing alright. I'm past the numb fury stage to just feeling numb...though that may be the local anesthetic talking. I've been single for two weeks, picked up my 1st set of wheels, finished my first week at my second job, and just got my 1st set of stitches.
It's very odd to be single again--to see people as potential dates again since I've had blinders on for the past 6 years. I'm not in any hurry to start dating, but the last thing I want to do right now is be at home by myself...it reminds me too much of all the time I spent waiting for the phone to ring, or an email to arrive---I was never lonelier in my life than the last two years I spent in that relationship. Right now I'm fine having fun by myself, and while I can't honestly say I enjoy the end of my engagement, I do enjoy the fact that I'm no longer in limbo--I'm no longer the person in a relationship with someone who's never there.
I picked up my first set of wheels---a gorgeous scooter that gets 90-110mpg, easily goes 50mph, handles like a dream, and it'll tackle in town and side street commutes like a champ; I just can't take my little beauty on the highway. I got it used for a song with just over 3,000mi, and it's still under warranty.
I made it through my first week juggling two jobs--more or less in one piece after the doctor finished sewing me up. I'm an IT support technician by night, and a bookseller by day...or at least I was until I lost a fight with a box cutter. I sliced my right hand open, got rushed to the ER, and had to get stitches...but ironically, temporarily losing fine motor skills worked out for the best.
Now, I have the next two weeks to focus on learning my new job at the bookstore, while I take an approved leave of absence from IT until my stitches get removed--then I'll go back to working both shifts. That pretty much rounds out what's happening in my life; and it's keeping me fairly busy so I don't have time to get depressed.
I think I'm over the worst of the breakup blues...the official end was recent, but the man I love has been gone for quite a while. When he let me know he didn't have time for a relationship anymore, I finally gave up on the idea that I'd ever get him back.View Thread
I got exceptionally lucky with my scooter, and I know it. I've been researching different makes and models for months, so when this one came along, I wasn't about to pass it by. It's black with super bright reflective trim, and I'm adding in some extra visibility with a bright fuchsia trench with reflective tape accents and a hot pink custom decal full face helmet. I'm not obnoxiously visible--but I come pretty close
I live in one of the largest cities in the Midwest, population's about 5 million...There's a lot of other drivers on the road, and I'm hardly the biggest or fastest thing out there, which is why I'll be avoiding the highways. I've got no desire to be a very gory hood ornament.
I've got two books published now, and I didn't get that many stitches...it just felt like it because the doctor couldn't numb me down. The bookstore chain where I work is pretty widely known in my state, but probably not a household name nationwide.
My relationship had become an LDR--which is something I warned him I wasn't cut out for before he moved away. He promised he'd stay in touch, he didn't, and then he decided he'd rather break up than stay in touch for the month and a half we had left in the LDR. I was the one who didn't want an LDR, but I was the one who tried the hardest to make it work...after the breakup I've been asking myself why. I came to conclusion I was fighting for what our relationship had been, not what it was, I was trying to keep us together for the sake of the man I love...but he hadn't been that person for a very long time. The man I'd fallen in love with would never have treated me as forgettable, disposable. There was nothing left worth saving.
I'd focused so much on trying to keep us together that I'd lost sight of the fact we were no longer a team; that I was trying to save something that no longer exsisted. Reaching those conclusions is helping me a lot. My relationship--at least the one I wanted--was over a long time ago. I just couldn't let myself see it.View Thread