MCK...I've been following your story for a while now, on multiple threads, and I honestly believe you'd be better off without him. I know you've received lots of advice, opinions, and counsel on the forums...and I'm siding with Pi, and queston, and several others, when I tell you, from the bottom of my heart: Please leave him.
Yes, relationships take work, yes, they take commitment, but what you are asking for--a way to deal with, let go of, and realistically accept the unacceptable--is something that I cannot and will not give. You deserve better than a husband that talks down to you, that makes you so upset and sick that you vomit, that completely ignores your needs to the point that anything he does that approaches basic humanity is held up as amazing progress. You deserve more than an unending uphill battle to be treated as a decent human being, you deserve better than a constant war to have your needs even considered, much less met.
You deserve better than him.
I know that you will do as you see fit, and whatever you decide, it's a choice that yours and yours alone...all I can do is implore you to consider whether you'd be happier without him. Whether you honestly want to resign yourself to a life wasted, a life where you settle for never having lived, never having what you want. Romance doesn't die out after marriage (unless neither party places value on it, or one is blatantly inconsiderate of the other's needs). My parents have been married for 28 years. They have a rocky relationship--but they still love each other. They go on dates, vacations, away for the weekend. She treats him to movies, he takes her to dinner, they buy each other trinkets...
What you want from your husband is not unreasonable. Your request that we tell you how to accept his behavior is. Your request that we tell you how to resign yourself to life where your needs are neglected, to a marriage that has nothing in common with a healthy relationship, to settle for less than any reasonable person has a right to expect is something that we cannot in good conscience give.
I am sorry that your marriage is the way it is, I am sorry that your husband is the way he is, and I am sorry that the best advice I can offer on how to improve your life is end your marriage and live your life without him in it.View Thread
Relationships are about being a partnership...and if the dynamics of yours were a little bit different, I'd have no problem with you asking him. Role-reversal proposals can be fun--especially during Leap Year when there's a tradition behind it.
It's just that in this situation...something's hitting me wrong. It's like he's expecting you to do all the heavy-lifting in your relationship. He's already planning to use you as the breadwinner, and now he wants you to talk him into marrying you as well? I think he needs to show some initiative and not expect you to take the lead in everything. I'd hold off on asking him; you've already told him how you feel. If he actually wants to get married he'll ask you--otherwise it will be just one more thing in your relationship where he sits back and lets you do the work...and I think it will set a bad precedent.
If I'm reading something into your post that wasn't there, I sincerely apologize. I don't think you're crazy for wanting to ask to marry the one you love; I think everyone who's ever been in love and wanting to marry has had those thoughts, regardless of gender...But in this particular occasion, I think it's not unreasonable to expect your boyfriend to step up to the plate and declare his intentions.View Thread
Developing early can be a curse...it happened to me, too. I'd love to tell you how to see your body as a masterpiece, a work of art--one of a kind. At 5'3" and curvy, you're what could be described as a pocket Venus. The Renaissance was widely acknowledged to have spawned some of the greatest works of art in the history of mankind, and there's not a modern model-thin woman to be seen. Being curvy doesn't mean you're not healthy, or that you're not fit. Given your workout schedule, I'd say the opposite is true.
However, you might not be able to see yourself in that light yet, no matter what I say...so why not ask your boyfriend? What does he see when he looks at you? What has he said about your body? Seeing ourselves through the eyes of someone who loves us/cares about us can truly be a revelation. The next time you look yourself, or see yourself in the mirror, imagine you're viewing yourself through his eyes. Hug his words close to your heart, replay them in your mind every time you feel uncertain or insecure. Do it over and over until when you look in the mirror, you see yourself for what you truly are: Beautiful, and uniquely you.View Thread
I'm in the opposite camp, but I understand your reasons for making the decision you did. If it helps, I don't think you're evil, or tainted, or inhuman...I think you made a heartbreaking, truly hard call, and you have my sympathies for the pain you're going through.
On a more personal note...I can assure you that time DOES make it better. I lost my child due to miscarriage following a viral fever, and I thought I'd go insane with the grief and guilt I felt. It took several months for that black fog to lift, but it did. You'll have M to help you and support you on your way out. The loss of a baby is painful, regardless of how you got there, and you have my deepest sympathies.View Thread
I'm pretty sure her behavior is not due to having 'deleted them from her memory'--it's far more likely that she HASN'T forgotten, and hasn't forgiven. That would be my guess for why she doesn't care whether her father is dead or alive.View Thread
I got my fiance audio tapes of the novel Darkly Dreaming Dexter (The Showtime TV series it inspired is one of our favorites to watch together). He has a lot of long drives, and this way he'll have something aside from music or talk radio to listen to while on the road.
Handmade ornaments, artwork, and fudge for everyone else, plus a fuzzy fleece throw with mindi designs for one of my sisters.
The economy has absolutely affected my shopping.
However, my mom & I still managed to help two kids from the angel tree at our church; a boy and a girl. They're each getting shoes, slippers, pants, shirt, pajamas, jacket, and a toy (a soccer ball and Barbie, respectively).View Thread
You can't have vaginal sex, but oral sex will most likely be perfectly safe (in addition to manual sex for him). You might want to check with your doctor first to make absolutely sure, but I think those particular forms of intimacy are still very much on the table--and vibrators will probably be okay, too.
Besides, you'd be hard pressed to find any man worthy of the name who'd truly be against temporarily not having vaginal sex if having it meant risking killing the woman he loved.
Think of this as an opportunity to truly explore each other's bodies and the ways you like to be touched, perhaps perfecting your '69' technique, and all the different kinds of foreplay you enjoy. After you've both gotten close to the edge, you could give each other oral sex to finish off, or take care of him by hand while he uses a vibrator on you--or let him finish himself off while using a vibrator on yourself.
Also, you could use this opportunity to find other activities you like to do together--dance, stargaze, walk together...maybe even go swimming or exercising together. If you're both both okay with it, you might even consider watching racy movies together. There's no reason that just because one form of intimacy is temporarily out that your relationship or ability to be intimate with each other has to suffer. You can still give each other love, companionship, and passion. You can even still have sex--just not vaginally.View Thread
I second FIYE's advice When my S/O and I first met, I was extremely messed up with full-blown PTSD, and I'd survived abduction, assault, and attempted rape less than 2 months before. If anyone touched me--especially a guy--I'd flinch, step back, flip out...or worse, attack.
We started off as friends even though I knew he wanted to be more than that, and I was kinda feeling the same way. I wanted to save him from himself. I wouldn't let him be close to me because I kept hoping he'd wise up, find someone who wasn't damaged, and lead a happy, non-dysfunctional life. It took him six months to change my mind.
Finally, he said, "You think I'm smart, right?" "I think you're brilliant." --and it's true, the guy's a genius. "You trust me, right?" "Yep." "Then you should know I'm smart enough to pick who I want to be with, and trust that I know what I'm doing. You're smart, you're funny, you're a little crazy--and that works for me. I'm happier with you than I've ever been with anyone else, and I want you in my life." ---LOL...you could have knocked me over with a feather duster after that.
The point is, I can relate to where you're coming from, and as lucky as you feel to have him in your life, he probably feels the same way about you. We may not always understand what the people we love see in us, or why they love us--but they do. It's best to just accept that sometimes we get lucky in the best possible ways, and enjoy the gift we've been given, rather than look for an expiration date.
As for the lingering effects of memories---in the absence of therapy, I've found going for a walk, run, hike, or out to the middle of nowhere to scream are all very nice ways to cope. So are lovely hot showers and massages View Thread