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Couples Coping Support Group

If you need a place to discuss, get feedback, or some advise on relationship, ... more

Leap Year tradition?

Hi all, So I've been with my boyfriend for just over 4 years. We've discussed our future...

Posted by random12

Hi all,

So I've been with my boyfriend for just over 4 years. We've discussed our future together and we've both pretty much decided we like being with each other and helping/supporting each other through the good and bad times. We were discussing the idea of getting married the other day and we played with the idea of me asking him to marry him versus him asking me. He said he thought I should do it since I'm the one with a more secure financial situation (I work full time, he works part time in an attempt to start a small business the rest of the time). I told him I wanted him to ask me, because "if I'm going to be the bread winner, you need to ask me to marry you." (My words.) But I've been toying with the idea of asking him anyway, surprising him, as it were. We've looked at wedding bands and engagement rings and we've both told each other what kind of rings we like, and I've browsed some decent-looking rings for fun. But I'm on the fence about this. Obviously, I'm nervous about appearing intimidating or pushy, but I know that he does want to marry me some time in the future, as I do him. I guess I'm just nervous that it'll put too much pressure on him, or something... I think I'm not making much sense right now.

The thing is, I would still want him to ask me, too. Is that weird? I mean, no, that's it, is that weird? I want to ask him, but I also want the chance to say yes. He knows I'll say yes, I told him he could feel free to ask me anytime, and I would act surprised. Argh. I guess I kind of want to have my cake and eat it too, as the saying goes. When we talked about proposing and stuff, he told me he was a traditional kind of guy, and he would want to take me to a nice restaurant and ask me and all this stuff, so I was kind of surprised when the other day he said I should ask. I'm open to the idea, but... I still kinda want my shining day, too. Although, I guess the wedding would be my shining day?

So my question is, what are opinions on women asking men to marry them? Am I crazy for wanting to ask him? Is it selfish of me to want to ask him and have him ask me, too? Someone talk some sense into me so I can understand what I'm saying!View Thread

Posted byrandom12

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Leap Year tradition? Hi all, So I've been with my boyfriend for just over 4 years. We've discussed our future...

Reply: I really need some advice

It's funny you say that, because he told me that he just needs to keep himself busy...

Posted by random12

22 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:I really need some advice It's funny you say that, because he told me that he just needs to keep himself busy...

Reply: I really need some advice

Thanks, guys. I wanted to let you know, he has chosen to give up smoking to stay with me....

Posted by random12

22 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:I really need some advice Thanks, guys. I wanted to let you know, he has chosen to give up smoking to stay with me....

Reply: I really need some advice

Thanks. I'm hoping he chooses me, but I can't guarantee that. I would like to believe that...

Posted by random12

22 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:I really need some advice Thanks. I'm hoping he chooses me, but I can't guarantee that. I would like to believe that...

Reply: I really need some advice

So I guess I need to add some more information to clear up what seems to be confusion...

Posted by random12

So I guess I need to add some more information to clear up what seems to be confusion about my issue with pot.

I do have an "underlying issue" about pot, something I'd rather not discuss on the internet and that I have discussed with my boyfriend. He has respected my wishes thus far regarding the use of pot, I just don't care for it in general. It's not just the fact that it's illegal. The smell makes my headaches worse than they already are, and I don't need something making my headaches more of a problem than they already have become.

I have asked him to stop. He did stop for several months. He stopped for more than one reason. One reason was because I asked. Another reason was because he was randomly tested at work and, obviously, failed the test. He was given one more chance to pass a drug test and so he stopped smoking to keep his job. By the way, when I said we hardly see each other because of work, I meant that it's because I work a full-time day job, and he works at night. While his job isn't technically a full-time job, he is a manager at a fast food restaurant and often works 40 or more hours a week. They have him on night schedule and won't change his schedule because, well, I don't really know. He's asked to step down from being a manager so he can focurs on working the two small businesses he owns, but they are still working him 40 hours a week. He is not necessarily a slacker. He does have his moments, but he wants to be more than what he is now.

We had a long talk about my issue and I told him that I need him to decide to commit 100% to me or to let me go. I gave him until the end of the week to decide. He told me that he does want to stop because he wants to put himself, and us, in a better place and doesn't want anything to hinder him should a better opportunity arise. He says that he doesn't want to lose me, and that he wants to better himself. But he also said that he can't promise to stop for good.

I told him that I need an all-or-nothing commitment from him because a half-hearted commitment doesn't tell me that he will even stop. He has one week to think about what he really wants and what he's willing to sacrifice to get it. I'm hoping that he decides that I am what he wants, but I've prepared myself for the possibility that he can't sacrifice what I want him to sacrifice. I won't be mad if he decides to go; I can't make him quit. But I have decided that I won't sacrifice my own happiness to make sure he is happy anymore. I told him that I needed to be able to trust him and I can't trust him to stop smoking if he says he's only going to do it for a little while. After all, how long is "a little while" anyway, and what factors would keep him from picking up the habit again? He couldn't answer these questions last night so I told him to tell me by the end of the week.

I think I've been more than fair in giving him this ultimatum. Although, I'm still kind of dreading what he's going to tell me Sunday night.View Thread

Posted byrandom12

22 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:I really need some advice So I guess I need to add some more information to clear up what seems to be confusion...

Reply: I really need some advice

He has a job, but it's not a good one and he hates it. I also hate it. I hate the way it...

Posted by random12

He has a job, but it's not a good one and he hates it. I also hate it. I hate the way it makes him feel, I hate the way certain people he works with treat him. I hate the fact that because of that job, we rarely get to see each other anymore. So it's not that he refuses to get a job at all, he just doesn't want to make any lifestyle changes that would facilitate his obtaining a great job. And I want him to have a great job. He knows I will never support him, and he knows I do not ever expect him to support me. We are in agreement in this matter. And one of the reasons I feel like I'm such a whiny girl is because he has been staying well within the limits of our agreement so far. It makes me feel bad that I have such negative feelings towards this. He has done everything that I have asked him to do, except stop completely. He doesn't seem to have any intentions of truly quitting, even though he has said more than once that he should and he will. It's one of those situations where actions speak louder than words: I'm wondering if he's just saying that he's going to quit to get me off his case, because he doesn't seem to be taking any actions to quit.

I don't know if I can live with it, but I know that he makes me very happy, and I truly enjoy what little time I have with him. I know it's not fair to compare his request that I stop drinking coffee to my request that he quit smoking. But I honestly didn't think that it would be so difficult to understand the difference between my "bad habit" and his: mine was legal, his is not. I think the biggest reason I hate it is because it is illegal; I don't want him to get any (more) legal trouble because of this habit. But, I also hate the smell of it. Honestly, when he smokes, he does more around the house and he pays a lot more attention to me (who could complain about that?), but it smells horrible, and the odor gives me a headache. I tried to express that to him, since he has issues with my getting headaches (I get migraines and he seems to be genuinely concerned about my health), but it still has had no effect on his actions. He doesn't smoke in our home (because he knows I wouldn't stand for it and I'd be gone in a heartbeat), but he smokes at friends' houses, and when he comes home I can smell it. He even brushes his teeth and rinses with mouthwash because I've asked him to do that to try to get rid of the smell. I feel like such a demanding girlfriend because he's done everything I've asked and I'm still not happy. =[ I don't want to be that girl. I dont know why I can't appreciate the fact that he's at least trying to compensate.

Sorry these posts are so freaking long.View Thread

Posted byrandom12

22 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:I really need some advice He has a job, but it's not a good one and he hates it. I also hate it. I hate the way it...

I really need some advice

Hello. My boyfriend smokes marijuana. I am not OK with this. We've been together for 4...

Posted by random12

Hello.

My boyfriend smokes marijuana. I am not OK with this. We've been together for 4 years, and it's not something new that I never knew about. We started out as a long-distance relationship, and when we moved closer together I asked that he not smoke it when I'm around. He respected my request and never smoked when I was with him. A year and a half ago, we moved in together. I told him I refused to have it in our home, and if I caught him with it in our home, I would leave. I thought that would be enough for me; I thought that I could deal with his habit as long as it wasn't near me. But, apparently, I was wrong. It bugs the crap out of me that he smokes. I feel like he doesn't take life seriously enough to understand that his habit could cost him a lot. I also found out two years ago that he has been arrested - twice - for this habit and has only last year had his record expunged so that he could get a job (he holds a BS in Finance). I've been trying to urge him to get a job with his degree, but he's been slacking. I'm fairly certain it's because he would have to give up his habit if he wanted to get a job. This concerns me. I don't need him to support me, I have a MA of my own and a fairly decent job; I can support myself without any problems. BUT, I refuse to support a lazy bum who will not get a job for the simple fact that he doesn't want to quit smoking. We've tried to have discussions about how we both feel, but he refuses to see my point of view. He doesn't believe it's addictive or bad for him, and he doesn't think it will matter in the long run if he smokes or not. It's really starting to grate my nerves that he won't give this up. I hate to compare, but he asked me to stop drinking coffee because of the headaches I would get when I went without, and I stopped with no questions. Now, I feel like he won't return the favor. He's a great guy, and I love him and I feel like he loves me, and he treats me excellently. This habit of his is the only thing I can't stand. I can't decide if it's a dealbreaker or not, I just know that I hate it. How can I talk with him to get him to understand why this is so important to me? What should I do? I hate to sound like one of those girls who whines about something that could easily be fixed, but at the same time, I feel like that's exactly what I am. I don't want to give an ultimatum, not only because I don't want to be one of those controlling type of girls, but also because I'm afraid that he might not choose the option I want him to choose. It's sad, really, because I want to believe he would choose me over the drug, but I can't say that I know that for sure, and I'm afraid to find out. Does anyone have any recommendations for me, tips or suggestions for dealing with my issue?? I could really use some advise from people who aren't emotionally involved in my life. Thanks in advance.View Thread

Posted byrandom12

22 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:I really need some advice Hello. My boyfriend smokes marijuana. I am not OK with this. We've been together for 4...

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