So, to make a very long story short, my husband and I had a lot of relationship issues the first couple years of marriage but have diligently worked on them (got a lot of help from this discussion board) and are so much better now.
However, there is an issue with the whole sex thing. He has a p*rn addiction he's trying to kick, and has an accountability partner that helps keep him on track. He says he still has days where he "fails" and everything, but I honestly don't talk about it much anymore unless he wants to. We talked about it a lot before, because it was such a big issue, but since he's been improving himself I don't feel it's my place to keep asking about it. He talks a little about it to me when he wants to.
So the issue is, while when we do have sex it's always fun and very good (which we both agree on) we rarely rarely actually have sex. We have discussed it many times, and usually the reason is that he's already gotten what he needs from the p*rn. He says he finds me sexually attractive, and he probably does at least a little, but let's be honest folks I don't look like a p*rnstar. Can't compete with that. I really like trying new, exciting things, or I am good with just a quickie if he's tired, I mean I am just so open all I want is to have more sex cuz I am sooooo sexually frustrated right now I feel like I'm gonna explode.
I'm one of those females who has an extremely visual brain and sex is pretty much on my mind 24/7. I try not to think about it, I really do, but it's hard (no pun intended). So by the time I get home after a long workday or working out or something, all my hormones are like WE'RE GOOD TO GO LET'S GET THIS ON. But when I get home he is there, sitting on the couch playing video games or watching sports, and is in ugly old underwear and never trims or waxes like anything anymoreand eats gross snacks and has like food all over his face. And he is an electrician so when he comes home he doesn't shower right away so there's dirt all over him AND the carpet I just vacuumed AND the walls I just cleaned. There are chip and cookie fragments like EVERYWHERE. He also has no etiquette whatsoever and burps and farts all the time and laughs about it like he's 7. I try not to be bothered by that, guys, I really do, but it's just constant and so gross. At this point, my sex drive takes a nose-dive and my body is like EWW NO WAY. And when I try to come on to him he usually kisses me for like a minute and pushes me aside so he can continue playing video games or watching sports. I've tried lingerie, dirty talk, everything. I've even just asked him point-blank if he'd like to have sex and he's all like "Honey I'm watching hockey right now and it's the 4th quarter it's very exciting." Yuck. I hate sports.
Lately, like the past month or so, we've had sex maybe once. I am stuck between wanting to initiate and being totally grossed out. Plus I still have those angry inner feelings about how p*rn keeps replacing me. I like start to come onto him and he like burps or farts or something and then I'm like "Ok nevermind".
I mean I've talked to him about how gross I find all that and especially when I'm trying to make out with him it's really not funny. Not that I don't want him to be himself or be pretentious for me, can it please just not happen all the time. But I've like given up and I'm so sexually frustrated I have chewed through like an entire pack of #2 pencils and punched my pillow in the face like a thousand times.
WHAT DO I DO? (Any guys with suggestions would be very helpful too...)View Thread
Haha WOW I can't believe I said hockey games had quarters...this just reiterates how I know nothing about sports, although I have tried so very hard to learn. lol.
Thanks for the tip on the manscaping issue. Perhaps he doesn't care as much about oral. I mean he's always said he likes it but maybe it doesn't matter as much. Helps to have some insight on that one.
If he were definitely willing to have sex even when he is dirty and unshowered I might consider makin a move but since I have like a very low chance of it happening anyway, I think it's harder to jump the "gross-out" barrier.... I've tried to talk to him about how his bad manners are grossing me out when I'm trying to be sexy and intimate with him but I don't think he really cares...? He thinks it's funny.
If you think it's a good idea to keep talking to him about it then I will do so.View Thread
Hey I understand the whole husband-being-glued-to-the-PlayStation thing. He didn't listen when I asked for help cooking or cleaning and I could literally not get his attention with anything and that includes lingerie.
I think your husband may genuinely want to help you, but he really doesn't know what to do. If he's like my husband, his mother always did all that stuff for him and he really doesn't know what goes into keeping up a household and he couldn't do it all even if he tried. It's not a good feeling for a guy because he wants to take care of his household, which is evident when he says he's a sh***y husband. So have a nice sit-down and make a list of chores that you can divvy up. You could even stick the list on the fridge so he has a reference. He may have fewer chores than you at first, but he'll get used to doing them and maybe you could both agree he will take on more as times goes on.
As far as the PlayStation goes, my opinion really depends on whether he has a job as well. If he does have a job, then when he comes home he probably needs a solid hour of gaming because it's how he relieves stress. It's the equivalent of you coming home and talking to him about your day. But also talk to him about it and let him know that you understand he needs to game but he also needs to limit it because you need his help. So, like I said, let him game for an hour or so when he comes home and then maybe you both could agree that when the hour is up it's ok for you to come up to him and say you need his help so could he please stop gaming and help you.
This really does work, I assure you, but it'll take some time for him to get into the habit of it so unfortunately you're gonna need a lot of patience lol. It may feel like you're dealing with a teenager at first, but eventually he will get into the habit of helping you.
I don't have any kids but my mom is a teacher and when we were young, when she needed to grade papers and stuff then my dad would take us for a walk or have story time or something to occupy us. Perhaps your husband could do something similar so he's interacting with the kids and you have some peace while you try to grade and do your own homework.
Congrats on going back to school, BTW. That's awesome.
Good luck and let us know how you are doing!View Thread
Hi! I'm curious as to how other peeps are doing as well so I thought I'd "stop by".
My summer was pretty great! I was very independent, outdoors about 24/7, always swimming or walking or golfing, got a sweet tan that I get every summer cuz I'm part Native American, very healthy all summer. I think if I were to have different religious beliefs I'd be a sun-worshipper (that's what everyone calls me). I have fibromyalgia and a VitaminD deficiency so warmth and sunlight are the best things for me.
tmlmtrl, do you live in/near the Midwest? I'm just assuming, because I do and all the farmers around here suffered from the drought and you said your bf does something with irrigation... I feel bad that I enjoyed how dry it was, but humidity affects my fibromalgia in a bad way so dryness feels good. But I do feel awful for a lot of the farmers around here. I know it's been tough on them, and I'm always praying for them. I'm really connected to nature and as the drought wore on I felt so bad for the trees and grass and flowers.
The minute classes started and cold weather started to hit, everything got bad again and things happened that caused my stress level hit the roof. I got very sick, had to have surgery and in so much pain I just don't wanna move or breathe LOL but I still do everything I have to do, no giving up. Although my doctor told me in no uncertain terms that if I don't get rid of my stress I will die young. I WANT SUMMER BACK PLEASE.
No one understands why I'm so stressed and I can't tell them why because I don't down-talk my husband to people we know. Also we are looking into moving to a bigger apartment here in town and my husband and I are disagreeing. Also sessions with the marriage counselor have been intense and he asked us to come in more often, and the sessions are tough but hopefully it all leads to a stronger relationship. Despite all the stress, our anniversary was a couple of weeks ago, and it made me think back to our anniversary last year which was possibly the worst day of my entire life. I can see that we have come such a long way from then and I'm so thankful things are better now. It made me think of you guys and how you got me through so much!
So, how are y'all? I hope everyone else got to enjoy their summer, and for those of you that have been going through some tough stuff, I been thinking of you and praying for you.
Hooray! I'm really happy that you are away from the danger and starting a new life on your own. I've been thinking of you and I'm so glad to hear you're doing well! I hope living at home for a while goes well for you. <3View Thread
OMG honey don't wait for your mom to come back, just go stay with your friend immediately. You're in an extremely dangerous situation and you need to get out of there right NOW. Just stuff all your essentials in a backpack and leave.
It's not very hard to believe if you knew the novel-length story of our marriage, lol, but no reason to go into that.
I wouldn't say I'm angry. Frustrated, yes. But like everyone has said, this thread is a vent, so I was/am venting. It's just nice to feel like I'm not the only one who struggles with this kind of stuff (even though I of course wish no one else had to go through it). But thank you for your advice!
Before we were married, we were very matched in desire, and we never "hooked up"...we never had pre-marital sex, even. But of course lots of making out. It was a nice, slow relationship that was based on realistic love, and it was really great.
But of course, things changed after we got married as things often do. And I'm very grateful for how apart from sex and romanticism, all the other aspects of our marriage have greatly improved.
And believe me, I still try to "put the moves" on him, lol. View Thread
I find this discussion very interesting because I just recently had a discussion with my friend about this subject.
Let's face it, guys need to relieve sexual tension, without the expectations of another person involved, and porn - or even pictures of girls in bikinis - often helps with that. That isn't a problem. Also, girls do the same thing a lot so this isn't just a guy issue. I personally don't care for that particular kind of stuff, but everyone has different outlets and mine is just different.
The problem comes, as you and other posters have said, when the usage of any type of porn - again, including girls in bikinis - comes BEFORE your significant other. If it affects your S.O. negatively, yet you STILL choose to use it, that is wrong. And you may not classify it as an addiction, and you may not even classify these pictures as porn, but it's still wrong. It's being selfish.
I agree that having a discussion about it is a good idea. Your wife is obviously very upset by it and even if you, as you say, try to make her feel attractive, looking at those pictures is hurting her self-esteem more than you know and it's negating every positive thing you say about her attractiveness. And it seems that you look at these pictures when she is with you (you mentioned her commenting on you looking at them). Why are you looking at them while she's around you? At the very least do it in private.
As far as churches go, I've only ever been to one church where they talked about it. I don't think it's something that should be preached about from the pulpit, I think it's something that should be addressed situationally. But if your wife's religious beliefs are also strongly mixed up in this, that could cause great distress in her internally.
You obviously want to feel justified, and I'm sorry but you are not. And it's completely wrong of you to blame it on the church and on the wives. As I am a wife of a person with a porn addiction, I can tell you that I have pretty good self-esteem but still have a problem with the addiction. It's the selfishness of it that is wrong. If my husband didn't put it before me or replace me with it, I think at this point due to my views on it I'd just turn a blind eye to it. Any kind of addiction will hurt your S.O. whether it's porn, shopping, hording, etc.
The point is, you are putting this issue of looking at these images ahead of your wife, and blaming your guilt at being selfish on her and the church.
There's a lot more going on here than your wife just not liking how you look at those pictures, so please keep that in mind if/when you talk with her about it. Be very open to what she has to say. I'm sure that this issue can be worked on and eventually resolved to a point where you're both happy.
I really do wish you good luck and I hope that you and your wife find a happy middle-ground. View Thread