So uh I replied to this a while ago but I was just reading through and saw that it didn't post! Gawrsh.
Anyway HAPPY BIRTHDAY and i hope it was really really super great.
I'm sorry that you're sad about getting older. But just think about it, the older you get, the more lives you have touched and the more people you've encouraged/helped/shown love or friendship to. That's something to be proud of!View Thread
darlyn I think you explained what I've been trying to say, and maybe the way you say it is more clear than the way I say it and people will understand: ""026she has made signigicant assertive growth for herself (which I like seeing her esteem, confidence, self value/ respect/dignity and self nurturing being restored while at the same time developing a firmer sense of what she will not tolerate as her life grows). And is as well recognizing growth in her husband if in the event he can turn things around and a divorce may not be needed. And if one is needed her sense of possible regret or emotional pain will be lightened."
And Guard, totally agree with you about this: "Well the good thing about this board is that you can take what advise you want and follow it, you can read some and think about what they have said, and maybe use it later. And you can completely ignore the rest." That's pretty much what I've done, except I haven't really ignored anything. Every suggestion you guys give me affects my actions. I know you're all upset that I don't just get a divorce now, but even that is a suggestion that I keep in the back of my mind and know that if I want to leave, it's ok to leave.
"Don't feel you have to make us happy by following our advise. We just throw it out there and you can do what you like with it." Right, I can't make you all happy and to try and make you guys happy would be counterproductive because you're trying to help me and I need to be real with you.
But I don't agree about this: "Sometimes poster forget we know other parts of the story." No, I know you guys know all the parts of the story. This is a website, for gosh sakes, anyone can go back and read every post I've ever written. I'm not trying to hide anything, I tell you guys the truth.
And to address the issue of what has been referred to by several names but we will call the "non-consensual sex", no the girl didn't press any kind of charges. And sometimes I think about it and it bothers me, but the post where I mentioned it was resolved a long time ago, I took your guys' advice on that one.
After that I'm not really sure what was going on with the posts between steph/darlyn/the anon, really didn't understand it haha. But I want to state for the record that I've never thought steph was mean. One time I told her that she had said something rude, but she has her opinions and that's fine. She has really great advice. She has a problem with me, and I get that. Not a big deal. But I keep in mind a lot of what she's said to me before.
I keep in mind everything you guys say to me. This whole thread has helped me greatly and I've acted on almost every suggestion so far. (Except divorce. But I think I've explained that decision to death and you guys know where I stand for now.)
Anyway I just wanted to address all those posts kind of as one and hopefully let y'all know that I'm grateful for you helping me. Cuz you've helped me a lot!View Thread
I'm sure he is trying to change. He goes back to old habits sometimes but so do I, like feeling codependent once in a while or being anxious about stuff.
The place where my husband goes for one of his addiction-recovery groups also has other groups like depression/anxiety recovery, stuff like that. In talking to you guys I been realizing how much stuff I really need to work on for myself so I'm gonna go with him tonight and go to one of the other groups. I think it'll teach me some really good things.
-That is not to say- that I'm wrong to want romance. I'm gonna keep offering suggestions for little things to him. So I'll work on my depression issues about it and he can work on showing more romantic affection.View Thread
Hey that is a great suggestion, and I really like hugs!
I think I worded what I meant a little wrong...I meant to really focus on it later on, but for now while there's other major stuff going on to work on it slowly but surely. So the suggestion for the hugs, work on little stuff like that and build up to focusing on it later on. I will add to it, with little stuff now and then.
I've been writing this stuff down so I don't forget.View Thread
Hmmm...I've never really thought about doing romantic things for myself. I've started to do a lot more things to relax but I never really thought about it the way you were describing it. Really good idea, I'll do that.
Well I don't know exactly why he's staying for the party and I think I'm being too negative about it and dreading it. Yes, he has a tendency to ruin fun stuff but how am I sposed to help him change if I don't ever give him a chance?
I think in me changing and not accepting the ways he used to treat me are helping him to change. He's throwing fits about stuff that I need less and less, and he downtalks me less and we have discussions about what to say instead. I think I just have to really stay strong and improve myself and he'll follow my example.
Haha I enjoy your Dr. Phil quotes. Very insightful!
You have a point when you say it's not a bad thing to "want". That's true I spose. I think what i was trying to say is that I shouldn't be so depressed about it, that I can save it for later on. I think when I started this post I was trying to give up on it altogether, but you guys talked sense into me and now I see that I won't forget it I will just work on it slowly but surely.
Ok...I really am disappointed because I keep trying to tell you guys that I've changed in a good way and that my husband is slowly but surely changing and it was this area of romanticism I wanted to work on because I was feeling so depressed about it.
It was my own fault that I was feeling so depressed. You guys made me think about it practically and offered great suggestions and remember it helped me to talk to him about it already.
So I'm not really sure why you guys are still upset...but I'm taking a lot of good things from this thread so thanks to every single one of you who replied. View Thread
I really don't think it's self-destructive for me to come to you guys for help and no I don't always do exactly what you say (sometimes I do though) but I always take it to heart and let what you guys have taught me guide me in what I do/say. So I usually am doing what you say.
Except for divorcing him. I feel like people are getting hung up on that. I'd really love for you guys to get past that part and see all the rest of your advice that I follow. I know I can divorce him. I've already said that if he quits staying committed to changing then I would divorce.
You guys have helped me and I've already changed a lot, I'd really like to keep coming to y'all for help.
I think what darlyn was just trying to tell you guys was to be proud of the way that you've helped me/I've changed and everything.View Thread
Yes, I often talk with him about how to improve in different areas and there are certain things that I just put my foot down and say No you can't do that. Like when he tries to down-talk me. And I always try to offer solutions, sort of a Do-this-not-that kind of thing where I can help him see how to act instead of just saying he's all wrong and then not telling him what's right.
So I agree with you. And I think you understand a lot of where I'm coming from. And even if I'm already doing something that you suggest, y'all challenge me to keep doing the right stuff.
I have learned a lot in this thread (as I always do) and this is an area I really need to improve myself in and not get all down-hearted about and I thank everybody for helping me.
I don't think saying things like "What you did wasn't enough for me/I need more" to him is damaging to the progress he has made. I do offer a lot of suggestions and tell him how I feel about things and I ask him to do a lot of things and consistently try to talk him through it when he makes a mistake but I don't ever want to tell him that whatever he does do isn't enough.
Little things are better than nothing. If he stops doing anything at all then that's a different story.
It's why I really want to get over my sadness about the romantic aspect of our relationship, because it isn't as important as the stuff he's working on now.
I've said it many times, this is all about changing myself on this subject and not as much about him.View Thread