My wife and I met when we were both going thru a divorce. I had two kids (7 and 3 at the time) and she had none (she's unable to have kids). I was really concerned how she would be around the kids and vice versa. Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised. They took to each other like fish in water. After a couple of years, we had to move out of state (I'm military) and my kids were going to be staying with their mom. A few years ago, my oldest (17 at the time) wanted to move in with us. After some "debate" with my ex-wife, she agreed to let him move in with us. It was a huge learning curve not just for my wife but for us as a couple. We had gotten so used to being a "couple" and only having to worry about us (except for summers) that his moving in caused us to have to change our lifestyle. No longer could we get drunk in the house and run around naked (not. that. we. did. that... ), have sex when and where we wanted, stay out late, take weekend trips, etc. It actually got to the point we started to experience some stress between us. After a while we learned to cope with the change and made changes ourself that kept that excitement going, just not on the level it was previously. Then about 2.5 years ago, his younger brother wanted to move in with us. Again, after some "debate" with his mom, he moved in with us just prior to his freshman year in High School. Since we had gone thru the change, this time it wasn't "as bad". But having two late teen boys in the house still causes enough stress in and of itself.
My point is this. Your fiance's daughter is his daughter. I tried to make it clear to my wife that my kids were a priority to me. Not THE priority, but A priority and if moving in with us was going to make them happy, then I was willing to adjust. Fortunately I have a wonderful wife who supported me the entire time. If your step-daughter wants to move in, let her. She's getting to that age now where she can be independent enough that you and your soon-to-be hubby can enjoy some "couple" time. I also made it perfectly clear to my sons that my wifes word was gospel in the house. If she said "clean your room", they better clean it. They learned to understand over the years WE were parents and she has just as much authority as I do. That was something I had to learn as well. I had a bad habit of stepping in or over the line when she tried to discipline. There were several times I would unintentionally undermine her authority. I had to learn to step back and let her take control.
What I made perfectly clear to my kids was this: If you move in with us, you will follow our rules. We also said they had to stay till at least the summer after a full school year. I wasn't going to have them move in only to want to move back 3 months later because they didn't like their school. In other words, we laid the ground rules before they ever moved in so they knew what to expect before they got here. Overall, it worked out fine.
But I can understand the "hate her mom and sister" thing. Both of my kids tired of their moms antics (my ex sounds like your STB hubby's ex) so much so, my youngest refuses to move back in with her.
I'm not going to lie. It was a huge adjustment for my wife and I but it's been well worth it. We still find time to be alone with each, we still have date night, we still have a great sex life. We just had to learn to adapt and overcome (cliche' I know...) I agree with your STB hubby: you're over thinking/analyzing this and stressing about nothing.View Thread
Hey SC. I'm in a similar boat as yours. My son left for Basic Training last month and will be there thru the Holiday's. He left the week before Thanksgiving. Fortunately, a great couple in town "adopted" him and another trainee for Thanksgiving so they were able to enjoy a nice home cooked meal. Obviously my son isn't deployed so I can't sympathize with you on that aspect but I know how you feel about not having your son with you for the Holiday's. I printed this out and sent it to my son:
A Soldier's Christmas Poem
The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light, I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight. My wife was asleep, her head on my chest, my daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white, Transforming the yard to a winter delight. The sparkling lights in the tree, I believe, Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep, Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep in perfect contentment, or so it would seem. So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near, But I opened my eye when it tickled my ear. Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear, and I crept to the door just to see who was near. Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night, A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold. Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled, Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?" I asked without fear "Come in this moment, it's freezing out here! Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve, You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift, away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts, to the window that danced with a warm fire's light then he sighed and he said "Its really all right, I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night"
"Its my duty to stand at the front of the line, that separates you from the darkest of times. No one had to ask or beg or implore me, I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December," then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers." My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while, But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile. Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag, The red white and blue... an American flag.
"I can live through the cold and the being alone, Away from my family, my house and my home, I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet, I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat, I can carry the weight of killing another or lay down my life with my sisters and brothers who stand at the front against any and all, to insure for all time that this flag will not fall."
"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright Your family is waiting and I'll be all right." "But isn't there something I can do, at the least, "Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?It seems all too little for all that you've done, For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret, "Just tell us you love us, and never forget To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone. To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead, to know you remember we fought and we bled is payment enough, and with that we will trust. That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.
steph said: and came home and mowed the yard (we didn't have a big yard then and he had a riding mower, LOL)."
Do you have any idea how tiring it is to sit on your butt and make the occassional left or right hand turn? Or to raise and lower the deck? Or to even speed up and slow down? Or to make sure your drink doesn't spill out of the cup holder? Do you? I do! And it's extremely tiring! LOL Us guys are capable of multi-tasking at times