Your welcome, we are all here to help and offer a level of comfort and understanding. We can all agree on one thing, we might not have the exact same experiences, but it is nice to know that we are not alone in this crazy world.
Yeah, so i guess you did open up to him and let him into your private life, that had to be so scary for you. But through that godawful experience you gained strength. Unfortunately, when someone is depressed or dealing with a depressive episode, we fail to realize that we are effecting the lives of those around us. Depression is a funny thing, at least in my case, I struggle with self esteem and self worth. But when i look at the actions i have done, they are all about me and very selfish. I would be the first person to say that I am the least selfish person you'd ever meet...but am I? I tend to be "selfless" making sure that I make everyone around me happy and in doing so i neglect myself, because after all i feel worthless or undeserving. But i do those acts of kindness with the expectation of getting something in return, with out any verbal agreement, i just assume. And we all know what happens when we assume. And when i dont get anything back in return, it just validates how worthless i really am. Clearly this isnt a laughing matter, but looking back at everything it is completely illogical, for me to think this way. And i view my self as a fairly logical/analitical thinker, except when it comes to me LOL.
So if we apply that logic to your husband or even yourself with the cutting. He looks at the "stuff" and gets his mind off of what ever is bothering him and comes back to bed. To find his wife, whom he loves and has to deal with the guilt and shame of what he just did. Which probably depresses him more and the way he knows how to get out of that is to look at more "stuff". It's a horrible pattern and one that isnt easy to break, but you offering up an open ear and heart, might just do the trick. The best way to try and break him of that is finding other constructive things to do and use those to replace him looking at stuff. It doesnt need to be an intense project, but something that can distract his mind long enough that he can function.
Sorry I misunderstood about the food issue, i was just trying to figure out exactly how dependent he was of you. But giving what he had on his plate, i totally understand I cant remember if you said this or not, but is your husband an only child? His parents could have attachment issues because he left they are being mean just out of spite. This may sound harsh and is probably easier said than done, but HE really needs to confront his parents and give them boundaries. You can be there for support but he really needs to say this, he needs to prove to himself that he can stand up for himself. Could it possible strain/ruin their relationship, sure, but lets be honest, its not cloud 9 right now anyway. No one wants to lose a relationship with their parents, but when it toxic, he might not have a choice. And who knows with him actually speaking up for himself, they might realize the error of their ways.
Also, i saw this on another post and have often thought about this about myself. I dont know how old your husband is and its not my business. But he could have his testosterone levels checked. If he has low T that could explain a few of the symptoms, the depression and "ED". Just a thought.
Best of luck!
"I'm not a doctor, but i did stay at a holiday inn express last night."View Thread
First off im glad to read that you guys are commuicating better now and your being open. From my own experience, having someone who is compassionate can be huge. My ex- was not and that made me more shut down and defensive. I just felt that no matter what i said, she would judge me and assume the worst. Which is what she did all along and i gave her reasons to do so, but i digress. So continue to talk to him and try to be as understanding as possible. And if you want, if you have a secret or something that is very near to you, that you are comfortable about opening up about, that may help him, if nothing more to show him that we are human and we make mistakes and that it's ok.
Using the couples therapy to skirt the system is a good idea, but honestly, i dont think the couple is the problem. You seem like a very supportive spouse and he is a very lucky guy to have someone who is as open as you are. But as a couple going to therapy you can sort of keep him in check if they give him certain tasks to work on, etc.
As for your last question, we all have our quirks and kinks. And once you get on that topic and you combine it with the internet, look out. Pandora's box is wide open. And a lot of times, it's just nice to know that your not the only person with your particular "fetish". So you start to talk to people for a feeling of normalcy. Now stockings/hosiery is a pretty mild fetish and one that a spouse might not be intimidated by. I wont lie, i love the way a womans legs look in thigh highs/stockings. But for what ever reason, i have a hard time bringing that up to anyone i seriously date. I dont know why, it is not like its that kinky of a request. But it feeds into my need to be accepted, if i tell someone and they think im a freak, ill be crushed, so i keep it to myself. As for what i envision when im looking at porn, is just what i see. I have a creative mind, but not an imaginative one. Its difficult for me to picture something and see it vividly in my mind. Im creative in the sense that i can think outside the box to fix a problem. So what i see with my two eyes is what i see. I wish i could picture my partner(when i have one) but i rarely can. I know some guys who can just close their eyes and are able to get aroused, because of what they are imagining. The worked for me once and i was in highschool.
I understand your reservations about asking your husband for fear of a false answer. But if it is something that bothers you, you need to ask him. And you need to be prepared for his answer, you might not like his honest reply. So my advice to you would be to ask him that question, once you know you can handle any answer.
I just want to say that admire your courage to stand by him through this tough times, as long as you continue to be supportive of him and have his back, he will make it through.
Sorry for the delay i was on vacation. Okay, so there is a lot to digest here. In regard to chat rooms, that is actually what got me started, it started out in highschool and it was innocent fun, chatting with girls my age all over the globe. But as i got older and more attatched to the "porn" the conversations became more about sex/fantasy. Now since the people where on the other side of the country or across the world the opportunity for any of this to come to fruition was very very minimal. But as time went on, i started to talk to people who were closer to me, i did happen to meet a couple of them for a brief encounter. I was in my early 20's then, but as time went on and i evaluated what i was doing and realized the risks. Yet i continued to chat, but knowing that going forward i would never meet anyone again. I would find some excuse or just simply stop talking to them. Like your husband, i went on ashley madison once, just to kinda of see what it was about. I am not a home wrecker by anymeans, but there are people who dont care and that is their business.
Sadly for me this entire thing has been a double edged sword and dealing with depression for over 20 years and finding this fantasy world to get lost in. The fantasy world helps me deal with my depression because I dont think of being depressed. I can be something im not or what ever the other person wants me to be. Also i dont think about work or finances or what ever might be bothering me (triggers). But after imersing myself in that world for hours on end and waking up the next day i feel shame and guilt and regret and everything else that comes with it. So it just sinks me deeper into a hole. I have tried to stop and have had some success...a few weeks here, 6 months there. But i always came back to it, one of my many triggers is, boredom, I have a very active mind and if i am not doing anything i immediately want to go online.
Again with your husband and I dont know him personally, but his relationship with his parents sound pretty toxic. I love my mom and dad to death, but in small doses. It sounds like his mother doesnt do anything for you or him and im curious if its always been that way. Most people who are often made to fend for themselves come out strong independent people. But on the other hand, someone who is depressed or feeling worthless, because Mom isnt doing the motherly things he thinks she should. Can lead to him feeling, thinking he is worthless and that he is unloveable. And from what his Dad sounds like, he wasnt much help to his psyche either. Ultimately to me his issues seem to be deeply rooted in his childhood. You mentioned that when you were sick and in the hospital, that someone had to bring him food? Whether he can cook or not, he should be able to provide food for himself and his family. I might have read that wrong, if so i apologize. And based on what you said about his mom not pitching in, it seems to me that he got that behavior when he was growing up.
I know i didnt get to all your questions, but im running out of space and time. I will continue this post when i have a few more minutes.
I understand what you mean, but there are varying degrees of having a "good time". Someone could go out and have a couple cocktails and unwind. On the other hand, someone could go out and drink a 12 pack or more to unwind. Some might say, the latter has a problem. Addiction is all about control, you thinking you have control over the substance/medium, but in reality the device has control over you. Based off of what the poster said and giving the past of the husband, is the reason i did suggest addiction. A crack addict, didnt go out looking to get hooked, he was looking for a good time. But because of the intense high you supposedly get the first time, they continue to smoke it, chasing that high. Most addicts look at their device as a way of escaping reality, so they dont have to deal with current events in their life.
But you are right, i shouldnt have labeled a complete stranger an "addict", but given my personal experience and hearing his story. I made the connection between the two of us, just because i have this particular addiction, doesnt mean that he does.
I hope they repost as well, sorry for any confusion.
I have to disagree, the reason people get addicted to something is because they reach a point of euphoria. Him dealing with those earlier abuses by looking at "stuff" is how he dealt and escaped. Now, when someone gets upset or gets "motherly" toward him, he will react in the same way. They are called "triggers" and all addicts have them. Guilt/Stress very well could be triggers for him, along with many other things. Sadly, its a vicious cycle, because he feels ashamed for looking at the "stuff", but yet, looking at the "stuff" takes his mind away from what he feels ashamed about.
So when his brains starts to produce those pleasure chemicals, dopamine, etc. he reaches a point of euphoria or in his case orgasm. And im sure that the males in this group will agree, the first time is a pretty great feeling...almost euphoric.View Thread
Having had similar issues to your husband, i can relate to both topics. After examining the things i did to keep the porn hidden from my ex and how i was in denial of how much it played a role in my life. I came to the conclusion that i had/have a problem with porn. So much to the fact that just going onto the computer to look up a movie time or sports score, brings urges to look at porn. As for the ED i have had issues with that as well, given his job, i can clearly see how stress can be a major issue with this problem.
I, like your husband starting watching porn in my teens and as i got older the obsession grew. For me personally, there were other issues there, depression and self doubt the main ones. One of the things that happens when you use porn to "get off" is that you start to desensitize your parts, you get used to your method and that is what your body expects to feel during intercourse. Which we all know are two different feelings all together, but the brain attaches that stimuli(porn) to getting and maintaining an erection and it basically forgets how it was wired to think.
Over the past couple years i have began seeing a therapist for my issues and unfortunately there are many, lol. But dealing with my internet problem, has been the hardest thing to do. For me mainly its a way to forget about the stresses of life and i slip into my own little world, where ther are no problems. No issues with mom or what ever the case may be. I understand that because of his job it is hard to seek counciling, but would you be able to talk to the office and explain to them his situation and maybe use a psudonym? and dont use any insurance so it stays off of his medical billing history.
I do applaud you for being supportive and trying to appease his needs by dressing up for him, you have done more than most by just doing that.
Also, i completely understand how he feels when he says he feels ashamed of what he did. The next day or hours after, I feel absolutely horrible, because I know what i did is something that is holding me back. And by no means is it an easy conversation, it is hard for me to talk to my therapist about it and I usually have no issues telling her anything. But when i talk about porn, i see the look of disappointment on her face. And i agree with Darlyn, hanging divorce over someones head isnt a means to accomplish anything. If anything it will add more stress to your relationship, because he or the both of you might start walking on eggshells around one another.
Just out of curiosity, given your brain is always thinking about sex or atleast it was when you posted this issue. Have you ever thought of bringing porn into the bedroom? Suggesting, watching it together to help spice things up a bit? I know it may seem a bit backwards thinking, given he is an addict. But if you two can work something out that enables you to enjoy each other sexualy, it could be worth a shot. An addiction to porn ended my marriage and when the relationship was over the addiction just grew stronger and stronger, like most addictions do.
Welcome back first off, havent heard from you in a while. Congrats on the new digs. I have some experience with this sort of situation and i can totally relate to where your at.
Your not being "dumb" or over analyzing anything, so give yourself a break When i was married this obviously was a topic that came up and the situation was similar to yours, my ex made more money than i did. When we bought our house it of course made sense to put all the cash in one spot. I was mortified to say the least. All my life it was "my" money and now its going to be "our"money. What we ended up doing was creating a joint account and we both opened up individual accounts at the same bank.
So you could have your own bank card and with technology you can move money back and forth between the two with the click of the mouse or tap of a smart phone. So when you get your budget together and include everything. All the bills, rent and have an idea for what you'd like to spend for fun or dates, etc. So if your budget is 1400 a month, you each could put in 350 a pay check. That way you'd still have your money to spend how you want and you took care of the financial responsibilities.
It will take some getting used to thats for sure, but if you care about this guy, which you obviously do. You'll find a way to make it work And when it comes to bdays and holidays, you'd still have your money to buy gifts and such.
Steve and Quest make some really good points. There is a theory called Wilson's Syndrome or something to that effect(sorry its been a long day). But basically what it states is that over time a stimuli can become boring and the person looks for a new and exciting stimulation. In his case this could explain the shemale porn...Has he watched pornography for a long time? Over that time he could have just gotten bored with the "normal" stuff. As Quest mentioned, since he is bi-sexual, that does make sense as well.
The fact that he likes show tunes, doesnt make a man gay, thats a pretty big stereo type. He could just enjoy culture and arts, there is nothing wrong with that. As a matter of fact, there are many women out there who find that sort of trait sexy. Now the Bieber music...that has to STOP! lol j/k. I can understand your plight on this one, he is a grown man and really has no business listening to that drivel. However, the Bieb's is a talented individual, probably with the help of his sound techs.
From the sound of your post, it seems like you guys have a very healthy and active sex life. Its natural for you to have those types of concerns, but, you knew he was "bisexual" going into the relationship. And it also sounds like you two have a pretty good line of communication as well, you may just need to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation. He may not know exactly what your feeling and he may be able offer you some comfort and reassure you that, your the one for him.
Yes, i would say your in a bit of a pickle. But as you have grown close to this young man, do you think he is a good guy? Seems like he is really reliable and a hard worker. Sadly as I am sure you probably know, that you cant really pick who you fall in love with. It can just happen and even tho he said he never would date her, I dont know if you can hold that against him. For the simple fact that he probably had no intentions of dating her and then they got to know each other.
On the other hand, your daughter who just got out of a relationship, got involved with someone rather quickly, she may just be trying to fill a void. I dont think having a conversation with the guy is a bad idea...i wouldnt make it a threat. Just speak candidly with him, you two seem very close, he should appreciate that sort of honesty. You obviously respect him, so just tell him how you feel about the situation. Get his thoughts about whats going on in his head and where he stands on all of this.
Ultimately your daughter is an adult now and as much as she will always be your little girl, you have to cross your fingers that she listened to all advice you have given her in her lifetime. Given how quickly this guy began to look up to you in that sort of fashion, Im pretty sure you did a great job raising your daughter. The hardest part about being a parent is letting go and letting them fly on their own.