I totally understand what you mean about journaling, but i do agree with TL. Getting those thoughts out is a great thing. I know at first it can put you in a dark place and that can be very rough. Do you share with your therapist what you journal about? Even after a good therapy session i can find myself down, just talking about certain memories can bring you down. But its a process, and feeling angry/mad/upset etc. is part of the process. The biggest thing you can gain from therapy is how to deal/cope with those emotions. They ultimately may never go away, but if you know how to deal with them in a more effective manor that can be a huge advantage.
Also journaling can be a great way to track progress. Before i got into therapy, i used to write a lot and it was some very dark thoughts. Then i started to get help and i went back and read some of those poems i wrote and realized that, you know what? i have progressed. many times i didnt think i was making any progress, but after looking back, it sure did. Id love to say that all those dark feelings are gone, they arent, but i am learning how to see them in a different light.
Keep doing what your doing, it will be painful at times and happy at others, just like the rollar coaster your on now. But you have to believe in the process and be willing to tear down your walls and open up 100% with your therapist.
First off, sorry to hear about your breast cancer, keep fighting and stay strong!
As for your BF, has he ever done anything like this before? or is this just a new thing? If he has had this type of behavior before it could be there is an addiction. If this is a new thing, it could be nothing. As with any type of addiction, it is up to the person, if they want to get better. I know he isnt smoking crack or shooting dope, but a serious sexual addiction can be devistating to a family/relationship.
If he hasnt shown this type of a behavior before, it could just be that he might be a little bit alone sexually. Given your situation, this is by no means your fault. Having seen my father go thru chemo, i know how hard it can be and energy comes at a premium. My hopes are that after you are thru with your treatments and you get your strength back, you guys with both be able to show each other how much you've missed one another.
As for him ending those relationships, its quite simple. if they are people he has known from the past, odds are they know your guys situation. All he has to say is that its not fair to you, to have these types of conversations and leave it at that. If they want to be there for him as a support system thats great. But he needs to set a clear boundary. He seems like he is a good man, as you said he is there for you and is caring, etc.
But it never does hurt to talk so someone about these types of things and yes therapy does help. You just have to be willing to put it all out there and open yourself up...which for most men is not an easy thing to do, so if it is serious it could take time. As with any addiction there is an underlying issue, that drives that addiction. Once the addict figures that out, then they can begin to heal those wounds and move forward.
I wish you the best of luck in your battle, stay strong, there are millions of survivors out there cheering for you!
Best of luck with your BF hopefully you two can get this straightened out!
I read thru a few of the responses and skimmed some of them, so if i am repeating i do apologize. You mention several times that you do not want to hurt your children, so you will hold on as long as you can until they understand. Look at it from this point of view, what type of message are you sending to your daughter(s) if you have them? Your telling them that its ok to stay in a relationship with a man, who clearly doesnt feel the same about you, as you do for him. And your showing your son(s) if you have any, that its ok to be with a woman, even if you dont care about her, she will still care for you.
I understand that you dont want to break up the relationships that your kids have built. But as i am sure you know, breakups are a part of life. I was reading a book not to long ago and there was a passage that really struck home with me. It was something along the lines of this. Eventually all relationships end, even the best ones. A couple that has been together for 80 years, that relationship will eventually end. And one of them will have to start over. I have always had a hard time leaving a relationship even though i knew it was over. I just didnt want to hurt the other person. So i hung on and it killed me and them in the process, we both became miserable. But we both became so comfortable that we didnt want to start all over, its hard to look back and say that those years where a waste. And believe you me, no one wants to get back into the dating pool after being with someone for a long time...its frightening lol
Your doing the noble thing, trying to protect your children. But at the end of the day, you need to be happy and satisfied to be the best mom you can be for those kids. They will make new friends and they will move on and adapt. They might not understand right now, but that doesnt mean you can explain to them in the future why you did what you did.
You are the most important person in your life, you need to remember that and expect to be treated as such. You control your own happiness, sadness, joy, etc. Others can influence you, but the final decisions rest with you.
first off...sorry to hear about your health issues, especially when they come out of the blue like that. Hopefully they get everything figured out and you get back to good health.
As for your past experiences, I think its fair to say that you have been thru your share of troubling events. I am in counciling as well, we all have demons/skeletons that we need to deal with from our past, some worse than others. But the one thing I have realized from my counciling is that my memories from my past have become much more vivid and more frequent like you mentioned. I strongly feel that this is happening because of the therapy, we are trying to deal with these issues by talking about them. So it seems natural that they will be on the brain more often. In my case, i have been able to see a memory or event and try to deduce what other effects it may have had on me or why i reacted the way i did. To that point I have also caught myself overanalyzing current situations and looking at things in different ways. Could be a possible defense mechanism, i dont know. Given that your exbf was a cheater, liar, pedophile, etc. It makes sense that your worried about your current bf...but if he is a great guy and cares about you, odds are he isnt doing any of those things your imagining. Have you told him about the visions/dreams that you have had, maybe talking to him about it and opening up with him may help? We all have had past relationships, whats done is done and you need to focus on your future with him and making this relationship the best one yet
He also could have been trying to be sweet and not tell you about the photo because it was supposed to be a surprise, at the musical. Now after he had it out with his Ex earlier that week a heads up would have been nice. He may have had other things on his mind...work, knowing he was going to be seeing his ex that weekend and he could have just flat out forgot. He is after all human, we make mistakes.
The way his ex reacted albeit loud and perhaps over the top, could as well be justified. Her seeing that photo of the 3 of you together, was a wake up call that even though she is "his mom" she could be having a hard time dealing with the reality of herself being somewhat replaced. A private conversation would have been the best venue for that type of topic...but lets be honest she reacted the way she did to create a scene. Your worried about the on lookers seeing your "lack" of communication...if i was there all i would have seen was some lady going banana's and if i knew the situation i would have thought...he made the right move by leaving that nut job behind.
Point being even though its been two years since their seperation, its obvious that she loves and cares for her son. Its a very harsh reality when you realize that you have been replaced. Did she snap? You betcha. But she was also extremely hurt by that photo...like your bf, she is human too. Hopefully moving forward he will give you that much needed heads up. And that she will be somewhat civil moving forward.
"He has never beat me or anything, just pushing me or grabbing my arms"
What if instead of grabbing your arm, he puts his hands around your throat? or pushes you down stairs? You make it seem like its only abuse if he hits you. Not to mention all the the emotional abuse you have received over the years. Initially i felt bad for your situation and wanted to see if i could offer up a way to maybe make it better...Being divorced i know how bad it can hurt and no one wants to get to that point.
But at some point, enough is enough and you need to start living YOUR life.View Thread
I couldnt agree more...once i read the ashley madison thing, thats f'd up. whether he is going thru with it or not, that means the potential for that to happen is there. Time apart could be a very viable option, he would have to grow up and depend on himself instead of choice.
Choice, I know you said you want to try to hang in there, which is very admirable given the vows you took. But he took those same vows as well. If you want to try and hang in there and do something fun together...what about a car show? or outdoor expo? I know it would be agony for you, but ask questions and try to take an interest and see where that goes.
You may also want to try to have a conversation with him about where your at and how your feeling, if you havent done so. Just the shock of hearing you say you want to seperate or thinking about it could trigger a reaction. But it could backfire and since he is on ashley madison, that could be all the motivation he needs to "hook up".
You going back to therapy is a good idea but it still may not fix the problem. I agree that it will help you get stronger and be able to cope better with his seasonal depression. It's almost like calling an HVAC expert to fix a plumbing problem, he might be able to fix it temporarily, but the real underlying problem is still present.
It's great to hear that you guys have a date night once a week, it can help you reconnect with each other. But Im sure it could become boring and monotinous if you dont change it up, which it sounds like your trying too If you havent seen the movie "Date Night" with Tina Fey and Steve Carrell, i suggest watching it, its very funny and who couldnt use a good laugh. If things are becoming boring to him, find out what is not boring to him. He is a guy, so i am assuming sports are some where near the top of his list. You also mentioned that he got jealous of you, for shopping with your mom or daughter. Like most men, im sure he doesnt enjoy shopping...PERIOD. I dont know your age or your stance on intimacy...but what about taking him shopping with you one weekend and going to a sexy lingerie store and modeling a few things for him. Pretty sure that might change his mind on shopping
I know my suggestions seem to be putting him at the forefront and I am not saying that to put you in the background. But if this is his rough time of year, some extra attention to his needs, could help him snap out of it Maybe start to replace those bad memories that he has with some really wonderful ones of the two of you together. That way you can look back and remember those times and hopefully that can put him in a better place, even if its just temporarily.
I am not sure how old your daughter is, but even doing long weekend together as a family could be just what he needs.
As always, I wish the two of you the best with this upcoming holiday season.
Therapy has different effects on everyone...and if you find the right person who can help sort all this out, seems to me to be the best option for him. Walking on eggshells for the rest of your marriage isnt fair to either one of you, especially you. Trust me I know, before my marriage ended i was afraid to do or say anything because i knew i would be ridiculed for something.
Do you guys do a date night or anything like that? Maybe a nice romantic night could help lift his spirits Given how you mentioned some of his reactions, you may or may not want to try this. Maybe during dinner or afterwords, you could say something to this effect, i know this is a tough time of year for you, but i just want you to know that i am here for you and i always will be, if you ever want to talk or vent, im all ears.
Well I am glad to hear that he sought some type of help in the past. I would agree that the side effects of some antidepressents can stink and I get the masking emotions thing too. But if this happens every year at the same time, then there may be something deeper that is upsetting him, other than the season change. Maybe he had a tragic event that happened many years ago during the fall or several, who knows. Or something happen that he has suppressed and refuses to talk about.
Im also glad to hear that you went and spoke with someone and its awesome that you invited him and he went, thats a sign that he may want to get help Its good to hear that he expressed remorse for what he said. As a supportive spouse, you should support him, but dont be a crutch. Does he rely on you for a lot of things?