I am sorry to hear about the struggles you are going thru with your relationship. Has your husband been diagnosed with depression? Has he spoken to his Dr. about any of these issues? Having dealt with depression for most of my life and being as stubborn as a mule to get help, making that phone call to a doctor or therapist is a very hard and humbling thing to do. I dont know where you two are at in terms of communication, but if he is ready to throw his hand away and move on, you might want to try counciling. It will give you a safe space to voice your concerns and a 3rd party to make heads or tails of the situation. The difficult part is that "most" men arent willing or dont believe in counciling/talk therapy.
Unfortunately, spending money on toys is just a bandaid, I used to feel the same way, id go spend money and in my case, money i didnt have. Let's face it, you can make the case for almost every person in the country, that they dislike or are unhappy with their current job situation. But to someone who is depressed it just makes waking up a very difficult task, because we may or may not know how to deal with it.
Depression is a very difficult animal because each person "copes" with it in their own way, so what works for someone may not work for the next person. If he is serious about leaving and you are vested in him beyond the fact that you have been married for 30 yrs, Id say its time to pull out all the stops and show him that you care about him and his overall well being. Doing "what ever" he wants/needs to think he will be happy is just a temporary solution, he wont get better until he gets help.
I am truly sorry for the both of you and i hope that you two find a way to make this last, dont stop fighting! Show him that he is worth fighting for and perhaps he will begin to fight for his own happiness.
Your not a controlling or jealous person? You get pissed if he looks at woman in a bra? That means he cant even read the sunday paper because of the jcpenney adds. Like I said before, i dont doubt that your attractive, but the fact that you keep bringing that up makes me wonder about your self-esteem. Im not saying your husband is a bad man, he is a bad ass for being a roughneck on an oil rig. So for those 3 weeks, he is surrounded by other men and i am sure when he gets to come home he is more than happy to see you and your sexual frequency shows that. But saying that a man or woman for that matter cant enjoy the human body to some degree is absurd, its not human nature. We are physical beings, you see a guy with a ripped body in an underwear ad or your husband see's a girl in a bikini. There is no harm in that. From what i have experience marriage is about compromise, if you see that your husband watches porn...why not have a conversation about it and ask him why he watches it. Some adult films are tastefully done and many couples enjoy watching it together, to spice up their intimate life.
As for your theory on why marriages lasted in the 30s/40s...because there was no porn is crazy. The reason those marriages lasted was because they didnt give up and fought for each other. Marriages end today because people now look for the easy way out and dont know how to fight for their spouse. Ask any couple who has been married for over 40 or 50 years(yes i know thats after the 30/40s) and ask them what kept them together...they talked things out and didnt go to bed angry. They had porn in the 30/40's but they also had something called brothel's...which is much worse, porn your screwing yourself...at a brothel its the real deal.
Now if you want to make the arguement that women were more dependent during that time period and they didnt have choice to leave because many of them where home makers, i would agree with that. Women over the years have fought for their deserved independence and that is something to be extremely proud of and as time went on, they realized that they dont "need" a man to provide for them. So it has become more of a companionship thing versus a need, to be married. So when he/she screws up...its easier to cut and run, because both of them have good jobs and can sustain a life on their own.
One last question...Is a "porn addiction" gender biased? or can women get it too?View Thread
All 3point14 did was state her opinion, which she is obviously entitled too...as are you. Whether you agree with her is another thing, but calling someone pathetic for their opinion is well...pathetic.
My question for you is...would you be upset at your husband, if he brought home an issue of the sports illustrated swim suit edition? I agree that when a couple gets married they should only have eyes for their spouse, but sadly we are humans, we dream, fantasize and what not. Some guys may watch porn to get into the mood and then they use that passion with their spouse. I can see a line being crossed if he started to compare his wife to a porn start or asked her to do things he saw someone do in a video. Also, I am not trying to cast judgement on you, but you mean to tell me that since you have been married you havent been at the store or where ever and saw an attractive guy and said, wow, he is hot? That doesnt mean you want to tear his clothes off and have sex. There is an old saying that goes something like this "You can look at the menu, as long as you go home to eat".
Point is this, there is a fine line between looking at porn and being addicted to it. If you have a healthy sex life and he looks at porn, whats the big deal? Its when he stops paying attention to you and only uses porn to get off, when it becomes a serious issue. Your husband obviously loves you, otherwise he wouldnt have married you and love comes on many more levels than just a physical attraction. The women in this photos or books etc mean absolutely nothing to him emotionally...but you do, thats what makes a marriage special, it goes way beyond physical.View Thread
I am sorry to hear that your ex cheated on you. As for her caring for your children when they are with him/her, is sort of unavoidable, do you think? No matter who is dating, they will be in your kids life in some fashion. If they have caused you such "hatred" i would say that you might not be as over him as you think. You seem to be very happy with your new man, you should just worry about the things that you can control. You are no longer with your ex, so he is going to date whom ever he wants, whether you like them or not. As for your fiancee, what is his reasoning for thinking your still into your ex? You do have children together so, like it or not, your still going to have some contact with each other until the kids are grown. Your fiancee needs to understand that and you two probably need to have a conversation about that situation and your feelings towards your fiancee. Sadly men can be insecure, when it comes to dealing with exes...we are competitive by nature Has he been with you when you have interacted with your ex? If he hasnt maybe he would accompany you on one of those encounters, so he could see your distain for him and the dicotomy of the relationship.
I agree, you should never settle into anything, you are a very smart and driven woman and you want a successful career. Why shouldnt the same hold true for your personal relationships? I am glad to hear that you have learned from past mistakes, many people have not...me included. I dont know if you date at all, from what I am reading, it sounds like your not. If thats the case its hard to gather any type of information about someone. If i was interested in you for example, id really appreciate the up front information that you are really career driven and that you dont want to rush into anything. That you would feel comfortable taking things slowly and see where things go over time. By doing that you get your expectations out into the open and if he is not willing to go that route, you dont waste any more of your time, or his. As for evaluating compatability, that takes time, the first few dates nerves are playing a role and crazy things may happen(spills, stumbles, etc). Have you consider trying online dating? They take your likes and dislikes and try to match you with people who are compatible...could be worth a shot.
You refered to road blocks that are out of your control, that are keeping you from the career you want. We all have obstacles we need to over come and often times its a boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse that can be the most supportive of your dreams. They can keep you on task and help push you to be the best you can be. Are you currently employed? I am working a job that i do enjoy, but yet it is not my ideal career. I am not embarassed by my job, but it can effect my confidence, so i know what you mean. But not for a moment do i think that my job has any influence on who i date or who may find me attractive. If someone is going to judge you for your profession, they dont deserve your time, period! But unfortunately, we have a way of convincing ourselves that the reason that person left or didnt call was because of our job...or what ever our biggest insecurity is. The mind is a very very strong thing and if we let it get out of control, we have a long battle to reclaim ourselves. I urge you to try and get out there and date, you will meet all types and you will waste your time on occasion. But you will develop a keen sense for what you want out of a man, the same as you have done for your chosen career. And never stop working on you, your all you got and no one can take that away
First off there is nothing wrong with wanting to be indepenent and self sufficient. Times have changed a great deal from the 40s and 50s to today. To be honest I for one find it very attractive if a woman is independent. It shows drive and dedication to success and if you want to start a family, both parents need to have that drive to make it all work. As you stated you want to be able to support yourself, especially in the off chance that god forbid something happens to your spouse, illness etc. and you need to pick up the financial slack. If you already have an established career the burdon will be greatly reduced. So kudos to you.
As for your question, you could ask 100 different men and get 100 different answers and im sure the same holds true for women as well. Each person is unique in their wants and desires in a mate. For me personally, i am sad to say, that i am still sorting out what i really want/need in a partner. But i know what love means to me. Complete honesty, what happened in the past should not effect a current relationship, we all have regrets and skeletons in our lives, the most important thing is to learn from those mistakes and grown from them. Someone who is affectionate, sometimes a hug can turn your day around. Seperation of our lives...what i mean is that we had friends before the relationship began and just because we are in a relationship doesnt mean we need to forget the people who brought us to where we are in our lives. A guys weekend or girls weekend is a much needed break, remember absence makes the heart grow fonder. if you cant let your spouse or SO go out of town or out on the town with his friends, it shows a trust issue which is huge. Obviously trust doesnt develop overnight, it is earned. But once your there, you should be able to bring your worlds together and coexist. This next one is going to sound super cheesy but to me it is important...quick communication. So many times in the past i have sent a text to my gf and it has taken days to respond...DAYS! i know people are busy and i get that, but if we are in a relationship, id hope to hear a response in the same day. thats more of a pet peeve than anything. The whole point of love to me, is finding that right person that you can share your life with. We both made it this far in life on our own and we should be able to proceed on our own if it doesnt work out. Hence why i find independence so admirable. Two great lives should come together to form and amazing partnership, upon which only the sky is the limit. You should support your spouse in their dreams and wants...obviously certain things may be a little out ther, but hey humor me But you also should be able to keep each other grounded with your sights set on future goals; family, financial, retirement, etc. And if we are going to disagree which we will...fight it out...solve the issue before it festers and lead to resentment. Your fighting for what you believe is right and the first thing for a successful relationship is compromise. So find a way to make both sides happy and if one makes a bigger concession than the other, you own them one.
Awesome job on the breakthrough! they can be very inspiring and if someone does know that you are working hard on becoming the person you want to be and one day you show them...THIS IS WHO I AM! They can be taken aback, but i am glad you stood up to your mom and got on the same page as her, hopefully that relationship will grow in the right direction. I agree i do have a few scars, but that is the journey that i am starting to deal with now, the more i think about it, the more scars i find. Its just a matter of finding ways to deal with the "damage" that left those scars. A huge breakthru for me, lead me to go down this path. I just got tired of running from my problems and i just need to stare them down and conquer them.
Your not evil because you care about money, we all do in someway. We all want nice things, they may be material, but you work hard so you can afford those things, they are rewards for your hard work and dedication. You are a good person and im sure there are a ton of people on these boards who would agree with me.
Sorry to hear about the 'rents issue...But happy belated birthday, glad to hear you had an amazing time.
You are not overeacting or being stupid. What i am currently finding out is that alot of what i am going thru emotional and mentally right now had a lot to do with my relationship with my parents. Which from the outside looking in was perfectly normal and fine, i have great parents, who love and care for me very much. But there were minor events throughout my life that had dire effects on my psyche and mental state. With that being said, you are completely lucid in your way of thinking and you are at an age now, where you can start to distance yourself from them...while trying to maintain an adult relationship instead of a adult/child relationship. It seems to me that even tho they tend to blow you off, they may be doing it to keep you close to them(weird logic i know) and they may not realize how much it is driving you away. taking that relationship to an adult level could be a good thing and one way of doing that is moving on and putting some distance between you all.