Hello...I am new to this community. I'm writing here to see what some of you may have for feedback about what I do in my situation. I'll try to keep it as brief as I can. So, basically, for the past couple of years I haven't been happy in my marriage. I actually think I've been unhappy longer than that but now its to the point that I have a hard time overlooking/ignoring things that I used to be able to. I feel like I am not living the life I want to and I am not being myself. I am 41 years old, been married for 20 years and we have two beautiful teenage daughters.
A lot has happened over the past 3 years. One of my daughters was suicidal and went into crisis, my alcoholic father passed away suddenly on Christmas Eve, and I finally started dealing with some painful childhood memories of being sexually abused when I was 5 as well as some traumatic memories of watching my father beat my mother. Now, my daughter is doing very well about to graduate from high school and excited about college and I sought counseling the beginning of this year to sort through all this stuff I've been through.
My husband is a great person. He provides very well for us, always has. We have a lot disagreements - I don't agree with his perspective on things about half of the time. Each time we argue, I always end up conceding (if you will?) and am coerced into agreeing or semi-agreeing with his point of view, whatever it may be. I'm just not good at arguing and he's very good at twisting words or wording things so I can't disagree....does that make sense? Anyway, most of the time I feel micromanaged..example: If I am not home within a reasonable time frame after work, he calls...every penny we spend is recorded in a financial software...he doesn't believe in buying new vehicles and can't understand why I would want to. He says we will not pay for our kids' college - they have to pay for it or most of it. Its frustrating because we are not poor! In fact, we are sitting very well, financially - no debt whatsoever and substantial savings and investments. I feel angry....I work full time yet I do not feel like I can spend money on what I WANT to spend it on. Sorry, this is longer than I wanted it to be.....I don't know - I guess maybe I'm at the point where I just don't want to be controlled anymore. When I try to talk about some of the issues mentioned above, he gets very loud and I am intimidated....I can't handle yelling (must go back to my childhood). Lastly, he is an alcoholic and his words can be pretty harsh when he's drinking. He knows it, our kids know it....I've definitely known it for quite some time. Evenings in our home look like this: we have dinner, the kids retreat to their rooms to "do homework" until bedtime, I try to get some work done and sit down to either read or watch tv...he has his beer and couple of shots of Gin...falls asleep in his chair. I try to wake him up unsuccessfully...I go to bed to be woken up around 3am because he's climbing into bed.....I just don't know how much longer I can do this.....I'm afraid to tell him how I feel....how I REALLY feel........any helpful words out there? Your feedback will be most appreciated. ThanksView Thread
Mary, thank you so much. I keep rereading your response. I'm actually a little emotional because several things you said hit home.
To answer your question: "Does he let you buy anything you want?"..... the majority of the time, yes. But, when it comes to significant purchases, like a car, or something expensive for the house or a trip, its usually a debate and there's always a certain $ amount that ends up getting put on it....like for example, I wanted a new living room set and I showed him what I had in mind. Of course, he recommended I "shop around for a better price." So, we spent about a month going to various stores, including the one that had the set I wanted. Well, we found something "comparable" for about $1000 less. I settled on that because by that time, I was tired of spending a lot of time on it and just wanted to make a decision. I am not totally happy with the set and I feel that it is not the quality of the one I really had my heart set on. When I look at my friends, they are able to make this kind of a decision on their own - the husband could care less. I suppose I should've put my foot down and demanded the set I really wanted but its always put to me in such a careful, articulate way with justification as to why we should spend less.
Currently, we are planning our winter vacation. My mother and step-dad and other family members are planning to go out of the country on a an all-inclusive tropical vacation. It was discussed one day when my daughters and I were at my mother's house. I mentioned it to him and he got angry, saying we were planning a trip without consulting with him - I was doing it "behind his back." All I did was join in a conversation with my family and expressed interest - in no way was I "planning a vacation behind his back." He refuses to go out of the country right now and he says for the amount of money we'd spend, we could go to FL and back twice. And, because I had been the planner of the last vacation we took out of the country, he says he wants to go somewhere of his choosing. Now we are talking about sending our daughters to FL to stay with my mother-in- law, while he and I go to Manhattan for a week. I am excited to go to Manhattan - I love it there. I would like to stay right in the city. After looking at hotel prices, he said it would be better to stay somewhere just outside of Manhattan. Now, we can easily afford to stay right in Manhattan.....as I've said before we are sitting very well, financially. I told him I really had my heart set on staying right in Manhattan. So now he has me looking at apartment vacation rentals instead of hotels. I am tired of this. Why can't we just spend the damn money for once? So whenever we are going to make a significant purchase, its a struggle. I realize that part of the reason why we are doing so well financially is because "we" don't spend our money foolishly but I just wish everything didn't have to be such a huge deal - with so much time and energy expended. So to answer your other question "does he misuse funds?" I really have to say no. I don't know why I'm afraid....other than when he gets angry his voice gets loud and inside I instantly shut down - feel extremely anxious. I can't take it....I want to just leave the room and drop the whole subject. He does not physically harm me in any way. He does sometimes throw things or push objects around....something my real dad used to do in addition to beating my mother. So, maybe thats why I shut down - I'm scared that the louder voice or yelling is going to lead to more? Which takes me back to my childhood memories of seeing and hearing my father and mother fighting........ Sorry this has been such a long entry.View Thread
I have thought about checking out an Al-Anon support group before but I'm not sure I dare and this is why.....we are known in not only our local community but throughout the state as well, because of our involvement in a certain cause and because our name is fairly well-known around here in a certain "field" or "realm" -- trying to be evasive here so that I don't identify myself/my family. I am so afraid that because we know so many people and people know us, that I am going to run into people I know. I know its supposed to be anonymous but I also know there are breaches of confidentiality all the time......people do talk.....I really would like to go because I know it would help us a lot but I am scared.....View Thread
No, he has never been physical with my girls or me when he's drinking. His demeanor, the way he talks to us can be harsh though and he cannot be reasoned with - my mother always said, "don't try to argue with a man when he's drinking." I have told him he's a different person when he's drinking but he denies it and said he would say the same things sober. I've told him its not what he says but how he says it....most of the time, anyway.View Thread
Thank you for your feedback....you and queston have given me some things to think about, as well as the words to articulate - something I'm not very good at with him.
I don't think we should pay for ALL of college but he makes it sound like we will be of very little help. My daughter wants to go to college out-of-state but feels like she can't because she won't be able to make it financially. She is a smart young lady....2nd in her class....after all she's been through (crisis 2 years ago) I am so proud of how far she has come. I don't want her to get discouraged and sacrifice going where she has her heart set on....I feel like she deserves enough help to allow her to go out-of-state.
queston, your statement: "college is tremendously expensive these days: to me, to saddle your kids with huge educational debt when you are comfortable and debt-free is terrible." really hit home with me because it is exactly how I feel!
Whenever I think about talking to my husband about this stuff, I feel nauseous....even as I write this my stomach feels jittery. Ugh If I could only get some strength and confidence.....View Thread
Thank you for your response.....that makes sense. I am not sure that half of those resources would be mine because I don't think my name is on some of them. However, when it comes to legal stuff, I have no idea what I am talking about.....and he is a very smart business man.View Thread