My spouse has always had problems with PE and a few years ago he also developed ED. I thought it was related to having a couple of surgeries pretty close together, but that doesn't appear to be it. Forgive me for being shallow, but he is also now overweight and I've always found that very unattractive. (And before you ask, I'm on the low side of healthy weight.) He's very good at a number of things in bed, but the thought of intercourse with him is just plain yucky. I suppose I should say at least it is over quickly, but ... Yuck. Sorry to keep using that word, but YUCK!
Also, frustrating, upsetting and depressing.
We've sort of discussed it. His testosterone levels are normal. His cholesterol does tend to be high so maybe that's it. He's tried the pills but irony of ironies, they give HIM a headache. But at the end of the day, he still likes having sex and when he wants to have sex, my first reaction is "Yuck." I just don't know how to tell him how very frustrating and unsatisfying it is without hurting his feelings. As far as his weight goes, I know it must bother him more than it bothers me. He was in excellent shape when we started dating (hence perhaps my ability to ignore the PE). I wouldn't bring that up because I think it is health related. But I don't know how to have the discussion about the other issues.
Note for those of you starting relationships you think might be permanent, especially the younger folks: The quality of your sex life will remain important for a very, very, very, very long time. Talk about this before you set up light housekeeping together!View Thread
1a. Fair enough. 1b. I don't get it. I'm talking straightforward physical attraction in this instance. I'm not sure romantic love enters into it. Or put another way, you can love someone and NOT find them attractive.
2. Yes. Because his health problems make him all of those things. But that's NOT who I married and knowing his mood and probably weight are caused by an illness doesn't make everything OK. However, when he feels OK, he is all of those nice things. And yes, his face is still beautiful. I didn't say he was ugly, I said he's fat.
3. Not sure what "noticing other men" means. They're sort of all over the place. If you mean noticing [wink wink>: No. Way. That's a thousand times yuckier. (To me anyway.) If I'd decided to go that route, why would I be here complaining?View Thread
s_3_k - You could well be right, in part. I don't make gagging noises when he gets undressed but maybe something shows in my face/attitude? I don't know. I don't know how to ask him if it does. If you can tell me, please, please do. However, as I said, the problem with PE has been constant, even back when he was - no exaggeration - inhumanly fit. As for his current shape, I wish it was just a "little pudge." If one pudge = 25 lbs, he's got two pudges. I know it bothers him a great deal, but I can't help the fact that I find it unattractive. In my defense, I can say he was pretty blunt with me when my weight was closer to the target for my height, which is about 15 pounds over what I normally weigh. I started working out and now he doesn't make jokes about me getting fat any more. So, yes. Knowing that getting fat means I go out with the recycling has probably made me a little resentful. But again, that's how he feels, that's his preference, I can't change it. Doesn't mean I have to think it is fair.
And I don't know. As I said, he has chronic health problems and it has affected his mood. I understand that, I've been sick too. But it is kind of hard to want to get intimate with someone who is growly and grumpy and fat and has ED. Which probably makes him grumpier, huh?
j2011 - Good question, yes I have. He will go on walks with me, he won't join a gym because it costs too much. I've invited him to my work out class but he says he doesn't time. That's all I can see to do that wouldn't constitute nagging. Thanks for your suggestion about the spray. I'd never heard of it either. As for our relationship ... Meh? We've probably had five arguments that involved raised voices in the entire time we've been together. We get along. I think he's very funny. He just thinks I'm weird. He's sweet and beautiful. We like to do things together. I don't want to hurt him.
q - It's been that way since we started dating (about 20 years ago). Does five minutes or less count? Although I've been doing some research and it appears two minutes or less is the more accepted definition. I guess it's just not what I'm used to and he always seemed embarrassed by it so I'm guessing it's not what HE was used too, either. In doing some research last night I read that a man may have no problems with one sex partner but consistently experience PE with another. So maybe it's me? No idea what to do about that. We've tried your suggestion before (I read about it somewhere) and I can say it doesn't work for him, unfortunately. I did not know about those condoms though, so thanks for the tip. I also completely agree about the weight-related yuck factor.
d - Thanks for asking that, it made me think. He's a great person, I really care about him, I would rather poke out one of my eyes than hurt his feelings. But I admit the sex issue has had a huge impact on how I feel about him. We're now in our mid-40's so, yes it would be 19 years we've been together. When we first started dating we BOTH thought it would be a short term relationship (we met out of town and I was planning to move soon). Then I told myself it was because he was sick. Then I thought (when we were mid-30s) that any day now I'd be too old to want to have sex. Yeah, what did I know? But it means I just feel fond of him. I don't expect to have hearts and flowers coming out of my ears for him after all of this time, but I should feel something more than bland affection, shouldn't I?
Due to his health history and his family health history he's had full work ups, has to see the doctor for lab work on a regular basis (mainly cardio and endocrine) and I know he's spoken to his doctor about the ED, had the testosterone test, even had a DRE to see if he might have an enlarged prostate. Not sure if he's asked about the PE. He hasn't had a test to specifically test the ED though. (Like the postage stamp test.) The doctor has given him pill samples (First V and then C). My spouse won't get a prescription filled. At first he said because they're expensive and when I offered to buy them (kind of ha, ha, early birthday present). Then he said they gave him a headache, which I understand is a sign its boosting his bp a little too much. So no more of THAT. I'd much rather do without than risk his health.
I have approached it from the health angle because that seemed the least hurtful. Thanks for the confirmation that it was a good approach. He refuses to see a specialist, like a urologist, about it, even though our insurance would cover it. He doesn't have time he says. OK, fair enough. I should say I know this must be very hard for him (no pun intended). I know I sound like a whiny btch. But I intend to go the distance with him and it's not looking like there will be much fun in the sack on this trip.View Thread