I am so sorry for what you are going thru. I am 6 months into a similar situation, and still literally reeling. My children are much older than yours, so you have that added heartache, but even though they are adults, every decision I have made centers around them and my granddaughter. If you keep them at the top of the priority list, it will save your sanity. As a parent, it is our job to keep the issues between us as much as possible, and leave them to love both of us the best they can. It is so hard, but they will be better people because of the effort you put into this. I have tried so hard to take the high road in every aspect, and I can see I am making the right decision as time goes by. The added nightmare of the other child is just so awful for you. I too have been sucked into the guilty feelings, but fight against it, because he alone made the decision to create this terrible situation, and needs to man up and try to repair what can be repaired. I am very much in the angry mode, and fight daily against the bitterness that wants to consume me. Each day brings a little step forward, but be prepared to fall backward too. You will absolutely go thru all the stages that people are talking to you about, even though it sounds crazy. I will pray for you, and try to check in on you. Put yourself and your kids first right now. And take alot of walks by yourself if you can. It does helpView Thread
I am sorry I have not been on here for a couple of months, so did not see a question from anyone. I will try to get to the above mentioned reader. I am going thru a rough time right now, so I don't know if I will be very helpful. We are still together, but it is not good for either one of us. I seem to have truely lost the mechanism to trust, not only my husband, but anyone. It is a very difficult, lonely spot to be in, but I am trying to reroute my thinking to taking leaps of faith with people. On top of our mess, I am going thru a very demanding transition to a new computer system at work, and of course it has been anything but smooth. I don't seem to be much good anywhere in my life right now. We did not go to couples counseling more than a couple of months. It seemed like it was helping, but as we got busy in farming, he just started pulling away. We each went to a single session with our counselor, and my husband literally said that he felt he was done, but I needed more help so should just keep going by myself. Enough said. I don't see a successful outcome, but I am just gliding along right now, until I am ready to make a change. Just need to get one son thru the bar exam in July, and the other son thru his 1st anniversary in October, then I should be in a better place to let them know what is going on. I still feel it is best that they not deal with our junk at this time. I really want to stay together and grow a new life, but with my blinders off, I am realizing that my husband is an emotionally stunted person, and doesn't seem to get it or want to change. I am finding that I just don't want to settle anymore. We'll see.
Sorry for the rambling. Coming on here somewhat opens the wounds, especially today, as it the OW's birthday. I am sure he is just itching to make contact, even though he denies it. Thanks again for the contact. I will try to pay it forward with the reader.View Thread
We just got thru our second session with a marriage counselor. Holy crap it is harder than I expected. I think in the long run it will be more beneficial than going to my other gal by myself, but this counselor throws things at us that are really hard to get thru. I think I am still alittle to raw to be at this level, but it is what it is, I guess. My husband is surprising me with his participation in things, but I am still not in a very good place. Sure hope we can get thru this and come out together. Our anniversary & Valentines Day were brutal last week. We went & visited family, who surprised us with a romantic weekend at a resort. Cripes, never saw that coming. Should have gotten an Oscar. It will break their hearts if they ever realize what we were in the middle of when they did this for us. Worrying about that ripple effect again. Seeing our gal again next week. My goal is to be in her office and make it at least 10 minutes before the tears start. That seems to never improve, and is getting very old for me. Hard to talk when it starts!!View Thread
I tried writing things down but it just made me angrier. I have been thinking that it was just to close to my discovery of the situation, so I may try that again. It has been suggested multiple times, so there must be some merit in the idea. Thanks for reminding me of this.View Thread
We do both feel pretty comfortable with her. No bull allowed! I appreciate that. I responded to the OW text with a promise that I will have a sit down with her kids if she contacts me or my family again, and that all things concerning her in my life are dead and gone. I feel that will keep her away from us. We'll see. I know she has shared this situation with no-one, and will want to keep it that way if possible. Quite a gutless person, I have discovered. Whatever.
We are a cow-calf and dry land farming operation, so going into our busy birthing season. It will be a good distraction and keep us working together. I am also an office manager in a busy medical office, so the plate is full. A good full though. I have been going to bed every nite with soothing musical therapy, and I think it helps my husband too!! The warm bath is where my bad flashback blew up on me last week, so it may be awhile before that happens again. I do much better when we are joined at the hip, strangely enough. This is such a surreal situation. My husband seems to have come out of the bizarre fog he was in during this affair, and is really trying to reconnect and work thru this. I am the one dragging my feet at this point. I just cannot see very far into future and believe that I can get over this situation and forgive. Weirdly not so much the affair itself, but the choice of OW he made and the emotional commitment they gave each other, and took away from me.It just cuts too deep from both directions. I know I need alot more time, as you guys have mentioned, but you sure feel stuck in quicksand alot. Guess I just have to lean on our history and the good years to carry me thru, and try to remember we are all human.
That therapy center sounds really interesting. I have been thinking about getting into a Yoga class but I may be alittle too raw emotionally right now for that setting. You will have to let me know how that goes.
I thank you again for your support and very helpful insight. I have a great team of family and friends helping me thru things, but we have so much emotional junk to deal with!! I am so glad you don't know any of the players in this ordeal, and can just give me the info & advice you have shared.View Thread
You are right, I feel very guilty for not talking to my family about this situation. My sister is my go to for everything, but her family is the one with the massive medical issues now. She will be heartbroken that I did not let her help me thru this, but I know I am making the right decision here. It does feel like I am deceiving her, but it is necessary.
I don't think we went into counseling too soon, I just think it will be tough no matter what.
Unbelievable happening the other day. The OW sent me a text last Thurs, saying she was probably the last person I wanted to hear from, but she was in LasVegas and remembering what a wonderful time we had last year when we went on our last girls trip, that she was sorry I got hurt, and hoped my heart was healing. Can you believe that one!!! No ownership of her part in this, and obviously no understanding of the depth of damage the two of them caused. I swear she believes our friendship will survive this!! Man that sent me into a tailspin. It has been a rough week, but I must say my husband stepped up to the plate with supporting me. After that text, I had a weird episode of bad flashes of images of the 2 of them, like I was in a room while they were together. It was like it was really happening, which makes you think you are going crazy, and sends you back to square one. I told him I don't think I can do this, and felt maybe we should try a separation, and he really talked to me and worked us thru it. Very out of his normal character. We saw the counselor today, and talked in depth about everything that happened. It was very helpful, and she really put some things in perspective for me. I cannot let that woman get me to that place again.
My health is normally very good, but I am really battling HBP issues that I cannot get a handle on, and stomach ailments, probably neither one a surprise! I am working on finding a calm place, and some balance, but those quiet times are when the demons really hit you, so a bit of a catch 22. I love to read, but cannot seem to find the focus to get back to that either. What a mess. We are getting busy on the farm again, which is my happy place, so we will see if that will work its magic, along with my beautiful granddaughter. Thanks for listening to my rambling.View Thread
No this part of my family has no idea what is going on. They live 3 states away and have been going thru a very tough time with medical issues. They are very focused on that, but just do really thoughtful things. This was our 35th anniversary, so that was the reasoning. I haven't even considered pulling them into this rotten situation with what they are going thru. Will eventually be shared, but hopefully we will be in a better, stronger place so they can deal with our situation alittle easier. I know what you mean about healthy tears, but it is really hard to be in a conversation and get somewhere when it is almost impossible to talk. Onward and upward I guess. Thanks for listening.View Thread
Thanks for the replies and helpful thoughts. It has been a good couple of days for me. I feel like getting out of my month of discovery has helped alot. Sadly, my 35th wedding anniversary is in a week, so this month will be good to get past also!! That will be weird for sure. I see my counselor on Tuesday again, and I am really trying to get my head in a better place with that. I did talk to my husband about us seeing a marriage counselor any time now, along with our individual people, and he was open to the idea. That is encouraging to me. I feel like that may be alittle more beneficial to me, as I cannot not see what progress is being made, or not, with his therapist. That unknown factor again. Ugh!View Thread
Sorry I missed your post. We went to visit new babies in our family so have been gone a few days. What a surreal experience for me. This branch of my family has had very serious, multiple medical issues crop up just as I discovered the affair. This sis is my closest friend, so spending 3 days with the huge elephant in the room, that only husband & I knew was there, was unbelievably hard. Someday I will visit with her about what has happened, but not now. The trip did, I think, bring home to my spouse again what he has put in jeopardy in our lives. Pretty beneficial, I think. He never goes with me on these treks, so big change there already. Thank you for the anniversary wishes. I guess we will see what happens.View Thread
We actually have been discussing our appointments alot. His counselor focuses more on the compulsive aspects of his behavior that led to his cheating, and learning how to handle things differently. They also talk about our situation, but not as much as I feel it needs to be addressed. He asked his guy today about the marriage counseling in conjuntion w/our separate meetings, and he seemed to think it would be beneficial. He did suggest I set someone up with the help of my counselor, so that it would feel alittle safer to me, and I really appreciated that. I meet with my gal tomorrow, so we'll see what transpires, I guess.View Thread
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