I am 43, been married 19 years, with the same guy for 25 (since I was 18). We have really struggled the last 3 years of our marriage. There was a 6 week separation in 2009; and a 10 month separation in 2012 (started in 2011). He moved back in to work on reconciliation at the end of October 2012, and we had been in counseling that month. We continued counseling until the first of December, but I asked to stop. We had seen 3 counselors over the years, and the third one was helping. I had just started a new job that was difficult, and the last 2-3 sessions felt like it was all directed at being my fault. So,I asked to stop. Dec. was rough, Christmas was tense. We had a huge fight on New Year's Eve, when we both said we were through. I woke up New Year's Day with a good look at my behaviors, and asked him for another chance. It took two days and lots of talk between us, but he had temporarily agreed. Then on Jan. 3rd, I took a nasty fall, breaking my leg which required surgery to fix. Over the last 8 weeks, I have been incapcitated, and I admit I have acted horrific. In pain, on narcotics, and still reeling from the fight, I have been depressed on top of it all. My pattern of behavior is to lash out at him via email or notes, saying how much I want to be done with the marriage. I know this comes from feeling unwanted, unloved, and wanting to hit first. Unfortunately, I have been very abusive to him during the last 3 months, especially during the end of Jan into Feb.
About 2 weeks ago, he sent me an email saying he was looking for a place to move out to. I have to clarify that we haven't been communicating at all except via email, and I have been sleeping and living in the family room. I really didn't believe him. A week ago, he sent a similar email. Then, when I asked him if he was certain, he never replied. I then asked for him to be involved when we tell the kids (10 and 13). He never replied. I kept at him, emailing that I would tell them on a certain day and time. Still no response. I finally came to the day of the "deadline" and he avoided even being on the main floor of our two-story house. I was angry, so I did tell the kids of his decision. That night was the lowest of my life. I confronted him, asking him why. He refused to answer. I asked him to give me back his wedding ring (crazy, I know). He refused. I went downstairs, and contemplated taking 3 bottles of pills to die. I was only pulled back from the brink by my 10 year old asking me if I was ok. I then told my husband to take the pills, because I wasn't sure I wouldn't take them. Two days later, he emailed me a final note: "I'm done." I broke down emotionally that night. I realized I had been holding myself away from him, for him to come to me first. I confronted him the next morning, begging, crying and pleading to have him reconsider. He was adamant that his decision was final. I asked him for more time, and we did have a talk that night. He kept repeating his decision was made, and this was it. THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT! I have spent the last 3 days in turmoil, crying, talking to family and my Deacon and my therapist. I have implored him to try to put aside the past 8 weeks of our problems, and give me some time to show him I was serious about my intent to change. I am filled with grief over this. I have been reading Gary Chapman's "Loving Solutions," signed up for Magic of Making Up Course, joined the Marriage Fitness daily emails, and have read many posts online. I know what I need to do change my side of things, but he won't give me another chance. Am I crazy? Am I asking for too much, for another chance with the man that I love? I have tried expressing my love this week, verbally and with loving actions, but it seems he is checking out. BTW, we are still living together, me downstairs, him up. Any suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading my saga.View Thread
I am feeling better, but there is no change in status at home. He is still living here, and not speaking to me much. I have put into action a small "Talk Charge" and a small "Touch Charge" each day; I have been calmer when talking to him; I am giving him the space he asks for; and I have been reading many (4!) books on the subject. Bottom line - I still don't know for sure where he stands, as he won't discuss it further with me. When I do attempt to touch him, he says "It won't change my (his) decision." I calmly reply that I am trying to change me, not him. This took him a long time to get to his decision to leave, so I suspect it will take more time to show him my intent to change. He may well move out by then, I really have no clue!View Thread
My other suggestion would be that you both participate in the bills and financial arrangments. Check out Dave Ramsey for sure, and try to meet together once a month for a Budget Committee Meeting. My experience is that when only one person is taking care of the finances, the other person begins to feel left out - cheated - and bitter. Do it together, it's really not as hard as it sounds. Just tough to get started! Good Luck!View Thread
Darlyn05, thanks for the words of encouragment. I have started some of your suggestions, as that seems to be the most common ideas when one partner wants to save the marriage. I hope I have enough days left to show him. I am praying as well!View Thread