We all hope and pray for you and yours. She will need a the help she can get. Make sure she has more help than just you. You can be strong for her, but your only human. You can't be there 24/7. My gf has a mother with dementia and she finally had to put her mom in a care facility. I'm not saying put your wife in one, but make sure you have help. She can't get better if your done in. Good LuckView Thread
Don't be sorry about talking with us. This is a good safe place to talk. I know I'm glad your talking here. Remember, I'm a son/step-son of alcholics. I know what your going through. My dad and step mom would get drunk, argue, physically fight, then have make up sex over a 6 hour time frame. Hearing the screaming and arguing as kids, we learned to duck and cover quickly. You smell the alcohol, hear the loud noise and go into the duck and cover mode. That's why you feel threatened and you give in. Here's a suggestion, tell him (when he sober) that in a discussion, if he raises his voice or pushes things around you are going to get up an walk out. When he's sober and wants to discuss the issues again you'll come back. Don't take the unspoken threats anymore. He may not realize he's doing it.
It's your vacation and money also. I have a friend who when he goes on vacation, it doesn't matter what it cost if he wants it and he's got the money for it he gets it. You work hard all year long, scaping and saving for a vacation. If the hotel you want to stay in is expensive, OH WELL. It's where you want to stay.
I agree with your husband on a couple of things and here's why. Yes, try to get the funiture and household stuff cheaper, but don't give up quality. Give your self a reasoniable amount of time on big items to find "the same item" cheaper. If your not in a hurry. Compare whatever you want to the stuff you found. if it just isn't it, go with what you want. It's your house also. Don't settle for less than what you want. You'll just hate it in the end.
All large items need to be discussed. Cars, big ticketed items, house remodeling plans, vacations, and other things. Give and take are part of marriage/relationships. We know this, but when one partner is forcing the other into what they don't want, it can destroy those relationships. I think he did react wrongly about the out of the country trip.
My gf and I have to plan next year's vacation and time off now because of my schedule is done one year in advanced. She wants to do a red eye bus trip to NY City. I physically can't do it, but I have an idea for a 3 day drive to the great lakes. We take extra money just for splurges and emergencies. I plan on sitting down with her and discussing these. No booze, no phones (it's usually glued to her fingers), no kids.
I'm a cheap penny pincher. If he says you can't afford something, tell him to prove it. Don't just take his word and threats for it. I don't want to skip quality. I will pay for something I really want or it has really good quality and will last. If you have the money to vacation downtown Manhattan, then stay there. The hotel cost should more than make up for the time wasted traveling to where you want to go and I'm sure the hotel will take very good care of you.
I'm a man who has very little freed money, so I'm very spend thrifty. You and your husband sound like you have some freed money to do things with, but you should remember it's not unlimited. He has to remember the reasons he works to get that freed money. To enjoy life and give his family a reason to work hard and save. I was doing that with my ex-wife. Working my butt off and not enjoying life. She wouldn't work or help, one of the many reasons she's my ex.
Enjoy life and have fun. Don't let your past rule your present, just be guided by it. Good LuckView Thread
I was in your husband's shoes 5 years ago, (except the drinking) I will let you know some of the things he's feeling right now and some ways you can help.
You broke a trust and it's still very painful. Talk to him only on items that need to be discussed. Do it without emotions getting involved. He's angry and feeling very rejected. He's wondering what he did or didn't do to drive you to another person. If you try to involve emotions in the discussions of divorce your most likely going to get a lot of that anger.
Keep your children informed, but out of the discussions back and forth. DON'T use them as a messenger. It's not their fault things are happening the way they are, but their whole life has changed. I see you talk to her, but talk to her. Not just the fluff, but what's in your heart and find out what's in her's.
I to this day don't want to even look at my ex-wife and her bf, but I keep everything civil because of my son. I have custody of him and I have to be the example for him.
Nothing that is agreed upon is firm, until a judge signs the paperwork. You can say your going to do this and do that. Your word means nothing to him right now. You have to build some of that trust back. You will NEVER get it totally back, but you can get some of it. If you tell him your going to do something, do it. Keep your word and don't lie to him. Example: ex-wife told the courts she was living in a shelter with my son. On interview with judge, My son told him they were thrown out of the shelter, Don't know why, but they were living with her bf. She's was dumb enough to lie to courts and her lawyer. I have full custody of my son and she has very limited visitation rights.
This has been very hard for me to help you, as you can see. The reason I've been able to talk about this is I want you and your family to go through a difficult time easier than I had it. You both have to be honest with each other and talk. Your both in a state of flux and need all the help along this road you can get. Good LuckView Thread
I've been out of the military for a few years.(18) I do remember they had a base legal dept for matters like this. They could get you the forms you need and help you file, if you are both in agreement with everything. I mean everything from houses, cars, children, retirements and anything else. It was also free.
Son of a drunk and step-son to a "functioning" alcoholic. An alcoholic is an alcoholic and the military has changed it's tune even when I was in. I know they don't want their service members drunk or stoned on the job. Be very careful with alcoholism. It can ruin careers or it could save careers if open about it and is treated. I had an E8 boss who was red nosed and smelled like a brewery. He came to work everyday and lived in the NCO club every night. That was 1983. 5 years later a different E8 was "retired" after being in an argument with his wife. He was a "functioning alcoholic" and did the same thing the first E8 did.
Yes, you cheated and are now paying the piper. Don't let it ruin your childs life. She is your number one priority. Do what ever you can to help her. Even if it means helping the man you once loved and cheated on. Don't let him run over you either. Hope you can find a good middle. Good LuckView Thread
I agree with FCL and the others. Don't focus on her initiating sex. I know some women love having sex, but feel it's the partners job to start. She also may have changed in her views of sex. She likes it and orgasms when she does have it, but can do with out. I know my gf works 8 plus hour a day, takes care of her parents and is on the go a lot of the time. I realized that if I want any, I have to ask and it would have to be before 9 pm. By 10 pm she asleep. She gets up on work days at 5 am and has 45 minute drive to and from work. I know she loves sex and I make sure she gets hers, but when she's tired she doesn't think of anything but sleep.
You have 2 choices if you don't want to divorce. Ask for it or don't ask for it. She's the woman you married and have lived with for a long time. She's not going to kill you for asking. It's just no or yes. There are nights you may just want to cuddle and not have sex and she wants a little. Talk to her, love her, and understand that if your in a wanting way, you have to ask for it. Good LuckView Thread
Congrats on 29 years. I was married for 19 years, but that's another long and boring story. Some advise from a 50 year old man. I still look at the eye candy of our society. I'm not being mean, here's a question. Where is he at every night? I told my ex wife and I tell my gf, if I don't look, then something is wrong with me. The both have told me they don't like it, but I told them that I'm home very night with them. I may look at the menu, but I know where my meal is. You have made you self clear to him that it hurts you. He may not even realize he's doing it. The next time it happens, don't make a spectical of it, but nudge his arm or take his hand. Tell him your going to do this every time you think it's happening. Tell him it's to help break the spell of wandering eye. I do think you may need a little outside intervention. Your talking about suicide thoughts and that your depressed. Sounds like you have a lot on your shoulder. Husband not working, times are tight, and you sound like you have a lot of stress. Your not crazy, but I think you need some help. It doesn't have to be a mental health care professional, but a counslor, friend, or pastor. Don't let the little things get you down. I'm not saying after 29 years everything will be perfect, but I think you might think it's too much. Talk to someone, then get him involved. Open heart surgery can really be an eye opener for the whole family. My mom just had a heart cath and that was scary enough. Plus the stress of possibly lossing her. I can only imagine a spouse. Good LuckView Thread
It seems he has gotten very comfortable with everyone leaving the room and drinking himself to sleep. This is not the example you want your children to follow or accept as the normal. I know it's his home and he can do what he feels is right. It's YOUR home also. You have the right to expect better behavior from your family. A couple drinks are ok, but passing out every night and leaving the family to fend for themselves is not a good behavior. Your kids are missing out on a real dad. I have to hold back the tears every time I hear the country song "Walk a little straighter, Daddy." I would never subject my children to this. Yes, I have drank in front of my children and had a buzz on. I REFUSE to be a slobbering drunk in front of them.
I got into an aurgument with my 17 year old daughter a few years ago. She wanted a soda, (pop in my area). I told her no. she didn't need one. She told me, "Why not, you drink beer." That pushed my button. I stated to her I drink a beer or 2 when the bills are paid, the food is bought, and I have money to get back and forth to work. I asked her if she had a soda earlier that day and did she have one the day before. Both times she said yes. I told her I hadn't had a beer in over 2 months. I again told her, she didn't need one. That's my views on drinking.
Find an Al-non support group. Alcohol can do bad things to good people. You already said you end up conceding to his views. Even though they are different than yours. Sounds like your just keeping the peace. If he doesn't want to change, at least you have some support. Your girls will benefit from them also. I, my brothers and sister were very lucky we didn't become alcoholics. Don't let your children go down that road. Your the daughter of an abusive alcoholic, as you stated. Now your the wife of an alcoholic. Do you want that for your girls. Sorry to be blunt, I have very strong views on this subject.
Each family is different. My mom was a single mom with 6 kids. College was out of the question for me. I and my 2 next brothers chose the military. I have years of military training and education. My gf's son is going to a large state college. She works at Walmart. He has to get the money some way. I never said the children have to pay for it all, but they have to have an investment in the cost. They have to know what things cost. Don't let your husband bully you. Marriage is to be a 50/50 partnership, not a dictatorship. Just because he has a penis and you have a vagina, doesn't mean he's in charge. If you have questions about your money, have him explain it to you. If it makes him upset, then explain to him you have a right to know where your money is going. Explain to you husband that you don't like the change in him when he's drinking. If he's a mean drunk, be careful. I don't know if he has turned physical towards you or your girls, but if this occurs get out. My father was/is a whiney drunk. My ex-step dad was told he had better not be an abusive drunk toward my mother. I was 14, my brothers were 12 & 13 when they got married. I think he was a little nervous when we boys explained it to him. No one hurt mom and we were still pissed at dad. You have to stand up for your self. I'm sure there are many good things in your marriage. If you husband wants to know where you are, it might mean he does care about you. My gf worries when I don't call, but I won't accept the 3rd degree. I am over 21. Don't let the bad overide the good. Good LuckView Thread
I agree with queston. I think you both need individual and couples counseling. If he won't go, you go. I would find an AL-ANON support group also. I'm afraid it sounds like you married your father. Alcoholic and abusive. I don't know what your job is, but it's your money. Some should be for the home and bills, but you should have some control over it also. I have to say, I agree with your husband about college in some ways. Your children should get the loans and help pay for the cost. Nothing ever given is respected, but what is earned is golden. Why try if mom and dad are always going to bail me out. If mom and dad give the kids a free ride, their most likely going to throw a lot of money away. It's like a car. Give a kid a car and they don't care about it. If they earn it, then they take care of it. My father was/is a drunk. My ex-stepfather was/is a functioning alcoholic. Work,drink, pass out, then get up and do it again. Mom kept him for 5 years. Get some help. We all need it sometimes. Good LuckView Thread
I'm sorry you have a non understanding gf. First you should explain to her that she has broken a trust for you. The journals were private and before you were together. They were a way to deal with a difficult part of your earlier life and until you give her permission, she has no right to look into them. She's right and you did lie to her about the prison sex. Again it was a difficult and confusing time in your life. Your trying to put it behind you. Would she like it if you asked her how many lover she had and about their PRIVIATE moments. I was married for 19 years and now have a wonderful gf. I would never talked about my prior sexual history or her's. One of the few things you don't give each other is a STD. but history is that HISTORY. An example is I don't want tell my current gf what I did with/to my other consenting partners. They liked other things she wouldn't stand for. I can't help you with the FB. I don't and won't use it. To much info out there now as it is. Trust you'll have to re-earn it, but so will she. Good LuckView Thread