Look, it might be harsh but when I answer these kinds of questions I do ask myself, what would I tell my own sons and daughters in this situation? (For the record, I have 2 sons, almost 11 and 3 1/2 and 2 daughters, 6 and
I'd give her/them the same advice I'm giving you--find a balance in it all. It doesn't have to be one way or the other, there is a compromise in there somewhere.
I think the bigger issue is the fact that you are engaged to a man who according to you doesn't work, doesn't do anything around the house, the two of you fight all the time, and then you spend your free time partying with the girls.
All of these are simply symptoms of a much bigger problem.View Thread
You are engaged to a guy who doesn't work, who doesn't like to go out and do things either with you or with his friends.
"Going out" with your fiance doesn't have to mean drinking/dancing/partying. You can find other things to do together, having no bars for under 21 is no excuse.
It doesn't sound like you really want things to change, though. And honestly, it doesn't seem like the two of you have much in common and you're always fighting. No good can come of that.
I have a hard time justifying me ever doing things that would make my husband upset to that extent. I know you're still your own person but sometimes even if we love someone we're just not compatible with them. I think we all have our standards and expectations of the people we love and choose to be in relationships with.
I think that you both need to learn about compromise. When my husband and I have the occasional night without our kids we are so excited to get to spend time alone together. We go out to eat, go shopping, yeah, it might sound boring to some people but I believe that time together as a couple is crucial, whether it's a night after the kids are asleep or a night out just having a nice meal together.
I get the whole "I don't like to sit at home all the time" thing. Do you really think, though, that people who are 40 are dried up and never have fun, and it's the same as being dead?? OMG. LOL....I bet a lot of 40 year olds could tell you different! I'm 34, and I didn't die when I had my family either. But I did grow up a lot, really fast, when I chose to get married and have kids.
You just have to consider this from his perspective just as much as you do from your perspective. I'm sure he sees it as "Hey, every chance we get all she wants to do is go get drunk and dance with her friends." Maybe he's not ok with that, if you love him you will try to find a middle that everybody is happy with. If not, well, I guess you keep doing what you're doing and he'll deal with it however he sees fit.View Thread
OP I really hope you are taking all this advice you are getting to heart.
I know you are young and you want to have fun but like 3point just said--you chose to have a family at a young age so you need to prioritize. You (presumably) choose to be engaged, so if you want your relationship to be successful you have to communicate and compromise instead of telling him how it's going to be and expecting him to accept it every time.
Stuff like that is hard to see when you're young--I'm sure we've all been there in some way or another.
Have you ever sat down and talked to him about this when he wasn't angry about you having gone out and coming home after drinking/getting drunk? The best time to discuss things in a rational manner is not in the heat of the battle but when things are calm.View Thread
I also wanted to add..you're JUST one year older than him. I'm not sure how the age difference is getting in the way, except for the fact that like nagging pointed out, in a year he can do the same thing to you that you are doing to him now.
He cheated on you in the past? Well, you are still with him, so did you forgive him? Part of me feels like you're trying to pay him back for his mistakes. Do you forgive him or not? It can't be both ways.
When you commit yourself to a relationship and have a baby and a fiance, you sort of give up the right to do what "feels good" to you...you have to think beyond the little picture.
I married young, 18. I have now been married 15 years and have 4 children. If I'd gone out and partied and left my husband to fend for himself every single weekend, I'D be single.
Hey, we all like to have fun and do things for ourselves-but it's not just about "us" when we have created a family.
What do I suggest? How about going out once a month instead of every Saturday night? Or I also like the suggestion--if you want to go out dancing I'm sure there are places your fiance could go with you.
Do you two ever spend time together? Or is your down time always spent with the girls?View Thread
Is it possible that what he is really upset about is that you're cutting loose every weekend and he's getting left out? I'm just saying. I know you're young but every weekend when you have a baby at home..?
It seems a bit much to me. JMO. But if he's being left high and dry he's probably feeling like you don't want to spend time with him.
If it was a guy, I'd feel the same way. I'd say, dude what are you doing going out with the boys every Saturday night and leaving your wife and baby at home???View Thread
I'm so sorry that you lost your baby, I know you must be hurting terribly. I think as mommies we attach ourselves instantly emotionally to that life growing inside of us. With my own husband it didn't really sink in until he saw my belly growing and felt the baby moving. I really do believe that it's hard for daddy to feel as attached as we are without the physical proof, if that makes sense. I'm sorry you feel like he's moved on so quickly. Chances are he's hurt too but doesn't know how to deal with it.
I think the little mementos are a great reminder to have, it is something you can hang on to for comfort. The necklace really sounds like a great idea.
I'm so glad they caught the emoblism in time, that is scary!!
Well, the maid and the full-time daycare take a lot off her plate, for sure. And I think it's great that you are a hands-on father and do your part around the house.
Since you guys have a 1 year old and she's having feelings that she might be bi-polar, I strongly suggest she see her ob/gyn to discuss post-partum depression, and maybe a counselor. It is a very real possibility that she could be suffering PPD given that your youngest is only a year old. Whether she works part-time or full-time, whether the kids are in daycare or she has a helpful partner around the house----none of that makes a difference if she is suffering emotionally/psychologically. Well, it does, I mean, it's great that you are there for her, but I'm saying it won't alleviate what she is going through if PPD or some other disorder is contributing to her behavior.
Frankly, until she does see someone to get some help for whatever it is she is going through, I don't see much changing.
I had to be on meds for PPD once. It was hard to admit but I was a mess and I only took them for about 6 months....I was a different person about two weeks in.View Thread
I was under the impression that she had always been less than enthusiastic in the bedroom, queston. Forgive me if I've assumed that but I don't recall you ever saying that your sex life with her was what you wanted it to be.
That having been said, of course sex isn't THE most important thing in a marriage, but it's big. Huge, actually. I know firsthand how a lack of affection and lack of being made to feel like you're desired, affects a person. My husband and I had a few rough patches ourselves. Even though the sex was there I felt like he wasn't really into it, and there's times he felt the same way. We just had to talk about it and have a heart-to-heart discussion about how not feeling desirable and feeling worthy of that person's love makes you feel disconnected from the other person and from the marriage.
As with anything you're just going to have to come out and tell her how you feel. It's a sensitive subject, but as a grown, educated woman, there is no sense for her to have a tantrum or shut down on you. You just have to nip that in the bud if it starts.
I feel frustrated for you that you feel like she just shuts you off or poo-poos everything you say. That, to me, is indicative of much bigger issues than the sex issue. She has no respect for you or your feelings, and her selfishness also leads to the sexual problems the two of you have.
Just don't back down! Tell her you have something to say and you'd appreciate if she'd listen to what's on your mind and then you'd love to hear her feedback. Tell her you really need her to listen to you and take what you're saying to heart.
And man, I don't know.....if she doesn't care enough to give you *that* much consideration....something's wrong. You don't treat someone like that if you love them.
Do you think she could be having an affair? I hate to throw that out there but it seems like she doesn't care to have a sexual/emotional connection with you--after 20 years of a normal marriage--so I'm wondering what was the big game changer.View Thread