I think IC nailed it as to why she reacted the way she did and confronted you. I recall that about 9 months after my divorce, I had similar feelings when my ex-husband took my son and his girlfriend to New Zealand for vacation. It is a hard thing to see your child in a new family setting and brings up all kinds of difficult feelings, such as feeling like being replaced, sadness at the loss of the initial family unit, thinking that your child may form more of an attachment with the girlfriend, etc. Some of those feelings are not really very logical or reasonable, like feeling that your child will love the girlfriend more than you as the mom, but nevertheless they occur.
However, I never confronted my ex's girlfriend about it nor did I confront my ex-husband either. It was just one of the things to get used to after divorce. I have subsequently met my ex's girlfriend several times and she seems nice, and is good to my son.
I suspect that over time as both your boyfriend and his soon to be ex-wife get used to being separated and eventually settle their divorce and custody disputes those strong feelings will reduce and dissipate as they do for most people with or without counseling. Take care & good luck. JudyView Thread
I'm a lurker on this board; I got flamed once here and haven't posted since. But I'll chance posting here to offer my thoughts, since I have now been divorced for 4 years (was married for 21 years) and also have a teenager at home. Hopefully you'll find my perspective somewhat helpful, or at least give you some things to consider. (And I hope that I'm not flamed again for chiming in.)
I suspect that knowing when it's time to "throw in the towel" in a marriage is different for everyone.
I hung in during 8 years of major problems, also thinking towards the end of that 8 years that I should keep the marriage intact until my son was in college. But then something occurred that made it clear to me that I couldn't and shouldn't sacrifice myself any more, and that my son was being affected. Doesn't matter what happened; I'd reached my breaking point and after that, I was done.
During that last 8 years I would often talk to my friend, a divorce lawyer, about the tough choice of whether to divorce or not. I was mainly worried about the impact on my son. I wanted my son to have a father participating full-time in his life -- that was very important to me. So I went back and forth for years, always choosing not to do anything. But once the straw broke the camel's back the choice to divorce was clear and seemed necessary. I still think it was the right choice for me and for my son, although I'm sad that I had to make that choice.
I read that your father recently passed away, and I'm sorry to hear that. (I can probably relate to how you may feel, since my mom passed away last year.) I read about your wife's lack of support to you, which is sad and disappointing and might be causing you to think harder about divorcing.
The last thing I will say is, it's tough to stay in a bad marriage, but there are also challenges when you get out of a bad marriage. It can be lonely; there's no guarantee that you will find a compatable long-term date for companionship. It's just a difficult choice.
Well -- and my apologies to the OP for this off-topic post -- in this thread there seems to be a lot of pressure on the OP to leave, and various posters seem to keep articulating their disappointment that she hasn't yet left.
While she may want others' opinions, in the end it's her decision alone, because it's her life, regardless of what the rest of us may think. I guess I'm old enough not to think that I know what is best for others to do. I'm not walking in her moccasins.
And good counselors will never force their patients into a decision, but rather let them come to their own realization about what they need to do.View Thread
No, I don't think there's any way he will realize that there's anything wrong with his behavior, so I don't think there's any use in your showing the description to him. That's the thing about narcissists -- they think they're just fine and everyone else is the problem. And in counseling, they're very resistant to seeing and working on their issues, whether it be in marital counseling or individual psychotherapy.View Thread
[Narcissistic Personality Disorder> is considered to result from a person's belief that they are flawed in a way that makes them fundamentally unacceptable to others. This belief is held below the person's conscious awareness; such a person would, if questioned, typically deny thinking such a thing. In order to protect themselves against the intolerably painful rejection and isolation that (they imagine) would follow if others recognised their (perceived) defective nature, such people make strong attempts to control others' views of them and behavior towards them.
To the extent that people are pathologically narcissistic, they can be controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, intolerant of others' views, unaware of others' needs and of the effects of their behavior on others, and insistent that others see them as they wish to be seen.
You really need to have your own set of car keys, so that you could've just driven yourself home before the reception and to get your extra clothes before bedtime. Then you could just have said, "Hey, I have to go home for a bit, I'll be back in about 15 minutes," and that would be that. No permission needed.
Something else you said in another entry -- you felt like smashing his plasma TV with his electric guitar. (And I was amazed that he had such expensive "toys" when you have to fight to get hair conditioner!!) When I initially read your post about him throwing out your stuff and ruining your grandpa's coffee table, I had the same reaction as you, but then I thought, no, he wouldn't get the message and he would likely get SO mad that who knows WHAT he would do to you. Still, I can see how it would be tempting to tamper with his stuff and say "How do YOU like it?"
I'm not going to join the crowd and say "leave him," because I don't believe in telling people what they should or should not do, but the more you reveal about him, the more I don't see a happy ending for your marriage. I see him as being very narcisstic, and boy do I know from personal experience how exhausting and life-sucking it is to live with a narcissist, and how powerful and great you feel when you are no longer with him.
Love the suggestion to start living your life without letting him control you. In one of your last posts in the other thread, you mentioned going to the music festival, how much you loved it, and how he complained about it last time you were there. Maybe next year you should go without him - just go with a couple of friends. Same thing with other events or things you enjoy -- just do them without him. It's much more fun not to have to put up with the whining and complaining (speaking from personal experience here).
Getting your degree will help you become financially independent of him, which you definitely need to do as it will undercut his financial control. In the meantime you may want to sit down with a counselor to talk about how you each pay marital expenses and divvy them up differently -- it seems to me that you're getting the short end of the stick here as well. A more equitable financial division will also help you save money to support yourself should you decide to leave.
I wish you luck and courage and peace of mind.View Thread
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