So I find out that my husband of MANY years is so unhappy/depressed that he is ready to leave everything including me behind. I know that he is very discouraged but I think my heart is broken. This is not the first time that he has told me that he wants out but I guess this time just hit home. We have a good life, make a decent living and can get whatever toys (jeep, boat, truck etc) that he wants even if it takes every penny we make. He doesn't even think enough of me to buy me a birthday card let alone a gift. I know that he loves me he is just bored and somehow I am supposed to make his life exciting, make his job better and make our kids be married with children but I can't fix everything! He says that he loves me but that he just wants something "good" to happen. We have good children that are independent and are trying to finish college before they get married and have kids. We have a beautiful home, it's just not where he wants it to be. Sometimes I just wish he would go have an affair maybe he would find out what is out there and make an honest decision if I am what is making him unhappy or if it is within him. I have given everything that I have short of having a threesome which I have thought about but it is not something I can live with. If I'm not good enough I wish he would stop blaming me and just go on and do what he has to do. At what point do you walk away after 30 years? I have told him whatever he wants to do I will move with him or work extra while he changes jobs but he says he can't make a decision but somehow this is my fault. Who is crazier him or me for dealing with this stupidity? View Thread
You are both correct, I have to find the point where I stand up for myself and live my life and if he wants to be unhappy just let him be. Tmlmtlrl: I understand that he is actually being very selfish and yes I have just learned how to make things flow better so he doesn't get upset. The kids don't abide by his "rules" and that is what makes him mad. I am working on standing up for myself and realize that this may result in us seperating. I am finally to a point where I want a few things and the main thing I want is to be at peace and happy. 1nt3rnalCOmbu5t1on: You are correct no abuse is acceptable, the fact that he was abused should not excuse him for any abuse against me. My head understands but it is hard to walk away. I do not and am not asking for anyone's pity. I understand that I am part of the problem by allowing this to happen. I have to change because I can never change him.
I am truely making efforts to become stronger and fight back no matter if it ends in divorce. Thanks again for the input, I don't want to burden my friends and family but hearing what I already know has helped me in making some decisions.View Thread
He was actually diagnosed as manic depressive but basically the same thing. I agree when he is happy he is the nicest person but even the simpliest thing can send him in a downward spiral. I was diagnosed as co-dependent, an enabler because I want to try to fix him and that's not possible.
I do have 2 children and both say that at times they wish I had left him when they were younger, he was MUCH worse then because I hadn't gone thru therapy and the stress of having kids at home because he wanted his way then too.
I confront him more now because I am stronger due to therapy and it is normally just the 2 of us since the kids are grown although our youngest is still at home. He has been physically abusive a couple of times so I don't try pushing him. He has never beat me or anything, just pushing me or grabbing my arms. He is always immediately sorry and apologizes but once something happens you can't take it back.
Your right I have made it acceptable for him to go to Ashley Madison because I don't want to make him mad and I should be the one that is mad. Even he says that I would do things that I don't want to do to avoid a fight. I guess I need to learn to be a lot more confrontational but it is not easy for me to do.
Truthfully if I ever told him I wanted to seperate he would leave. Guess I'm just too scard to go it alone. It's not that I think I wouldn't or couldn't find anyone else it truely is that I still love him even though he can be so mean at times. I don't want it to be all or nothing but I think I deserve to be treated better.
Thanks for the reminder of the serenity prayer I need to remember that everyday!View Thread
tmlmtlrl and FCL: We do have times that are good, I just never know when he is going to snap. We go on at least 10 trips a year to try to "make him happy". Yes I know that sounds stupid but was raised to believe that you didn't get a divorce. His parents did and I guess seeing how it affected him I didn't want that to happen to our kids. Again daughter is tired of dealing with that and agrees that he is just spoiled. I truely can't believe I am putting up with his "recreational" activities but I don't feel that I can walk away and stay away from him so I have never got up the nerve to seperate. Yes I am a diagnosed codependent, went thru therapy know all the things that I am doing wrong but can't seem to stop. When he is happy there is no one better in the world to me and when he is angry there is no one angrier! Thanks for all of your comments it has truely helped me to open my eyes to what is happening. Trying to make tough decisions that will make me happy without hurting anyone else.View Thread
From someone who has been in a similar situation (except my hubby does work) for over 30 years and am trying to decide now if I want out. I f he is this unhappy now he probably never will be good to you. You are still young and have a chance to be happy. Don't settle for less than you deserve! Sometimes I wish I had really looked at the warning signs 25 years ago. On the other hand we have had some happy years too.Only you can make that decision.
Definitely gave me some things to think about. Surprised to hear that suggestion from a man. Usually get that from my girl friends and family, guess that's why I wanted someone totally removed from the situation. Never thought I would be in this place in life.
I am going to try to hang in there but I know my patience is wearing thin. Guess I'm to a point where I'm wondering if I want to live out the rest of my life like this.
I understand what your saying, no matter how I change that doesn't change how he feels. Trips do help as long as it is just the two of us, our daughter is over 20 and has no patience for his attitude anymore so if she goes along it usually makes things worse.
I have one of those rare husbands who hates sports. His obcessions are boats, vehicles and porn . Unforunately his idea of not being boring is chatting on Ashley Madison (dating site for married people so they can have discreet affairs). I know that he hasn't actually gone thru with anything but it is hurtful that he even gets on there.
We are working on our problems and I defintely think a trip would be a good idea since he dislikes this time of year. Maybe going somewhere warmer would help both of us. Thanks again for listening, I know I have a good husband but sometimes the things he does just hurt.View Thread
I agree even if he won't go back to therapy I may just so that I can be strong dealing with the situation.
Yes we usually have one night a week set aside to go out but even that has become "boring" to him so we are trying to change things up a little and get him out of the house more and do some different activies.
Thanks for listening! I know that if I can survive until warm weather that things will get better but winter is just starting View Thread
I agree that there may be something that happend, he had a verbally/physically abusive father and he has issues with holidays especially Christmas. Yes he depends on me for a lot of emotional support. If I am more than 5 or 10 minutes late getting home from work he freaks out. If I go shopping he is jealous of whoever I am with, specifically if it is my mother or daughter. Sometimes he even freaks out if I go to the bedroom and watch tv instead of staying in the room with him. He is very insecure, even questioning who I talk to on the phone. Therapy has helped me a lot and I try hard to be understanding but I guess I will never understand why he has these spells where he blames me for "ruining" his life. I understand that it actually has nothing to do with me that it is just him but it doesn't hurt any less. He is a good husband and I love him but sometimes I just want to be able to relax a little and not worry about him flipping out if I say or do the "wrong" thing.View Thread
Thank you so much for your reply. Yes he has been diagnosed and has previously been on medications but feel that the side effects are worse and that medication just masks how he actually feels. He goes into this severe depression every fall and is aware that he does. I have gone thru counseling (he went a couple of times but wouldn't do marriage counseling) and it has helped me to cope but sometimes I just need a sounding board. He expressed regret on what he said stating that he loves me and wants us to always be together. I just I just needed to vent because we go thru this apx every 6 months and I don't want to talk to family or friends. I have tried to reassure him and it seems to be helping. Guess I will just keep reassuring him and maybe we can make it to happier times.View Thread