For what it's worth, Stephs, I have never perceived your advice to be mean. I don't think anyone on here has been mean, actually. Blunt, direct, oh yes, but not mean. (Not unless they were an obvious troll.)View Thread
The words you're using about settling remind me of something said to me years ago on this board. I think it was you, who was so direct with me about what I was going through, in which I grasped for anything to tell me to hold on to him. You (I think) had told me to stop settling for crumbs. I don't know why that phrase really stuck with me, it just did. So thank you (or whomever else it was). View Thread
You are not asking for too much. IMO, the romantic gestures that you desire are not really the heart of the issue. I think it's like a byproduct of something deeper, kinda like how when a couple stops having sex... it's symbolic of something greater than just getting your rocks off.
I think what you really crave is respect & intimacy. You want to know he respects you and your marriage to make the changes that are necessary. And be honest with yourself, if he were doing all the right things, or making the right attempts (offering a party and then leaving it up to you to take care of is not an example)... you wouldn't be here questioning things. If things were truly on the right path and progress was being made, you'd know it in your gut and wouldn't be unsure.View Thread
He suggested a party, but then wants to go on a ski trip with friends. And not be there to celebrate your special occasion. Nor has he suggested something with just you two, that would be intimate and more personal.
Again, it wouldn't have to be anything extravagant. It could just be a home-cooked meal with some wine and candles and a sign or card congratulating you. But he has made no moves to attempt this.
THAT is what I believe you should look at.
I believe one of the things that make relationships great (and healthy) is when both people encourage and support each other. In observing unhealthy & abusive relationships, I've noticed the opposite is what happens, where there is a putting down or controlling factor.
It's not just for romantic relationships either. All relationships should have include support to assist each other in being the best person they can be.View Thread
To me, romance is an expression of intimacy and love. She's not asking for a 7-course dinners, moonlight cruises or anything extravagant. In fact, she's been prone to not be assertive enough for basic things in her relationship.
There is nothing wrong with wanting your mate to express their love to you. And there are soooo many little, inexpensive things we can do let our mates know we love them. Little things like leaving notes, texting, impromptu kisses/hugs, a walk in the park, snuggling, holding hand, a cheap movie or DVD, giving massages...
Granted, we all have our own unique way of expressing our love and some couples have different ways of how they prefer to do it. Which is ok. But if your mate isn't trying at all or just doesn't feel the desire to do it, it's a red flag. They say the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.View Thread
Relationships are supposed to be hard, aren't they? Two people trying to figure out how to live as one?
No, relationships are not supposed to be hard. They have challenges, yes, but they should not be as hard as yours has been. HEALTHY relationships are not hard. I have an awareness that if his progress stalls then he broke his end of the deal and I'm done.
YET... As for the porn addiction, he has told me it has gotten better. I don't know if it's gotten better, I try to avoid coming across anything he might have been looking at because it's stuff I don't want to put in my brain. I don't know if it was just a slip of his self-control or if porn is still a regular thing.
So you have no idea if he's really working on it then, if you are unable to tell or learn if he's making progress.
You owe it to yourself to be honest about the issues you guys are still encountering. You're rationalizing a lot of things. While it's true you should honor your marriage and vows of commitment, he should too and if he is not, there is not a thing you can do to change it. Which is why so many of us believe it's time for you to move on.
As for the party? That speaks volumes, if you could hear it subjectively. As a husband, he should be supporting your dreams and achievements. But instead, he is asking if you want him there, so that if you say no, he can go on a trip with his friends. There should be no question on if he should be there. And if you're contemplating telling him to go on his trip, so he doesn't act ruin YOUR DAY then that's a big sign too. It says a lot if you can't even expect your mate to act appropriately at an outing, especially one that celebrates your success.
You have a choice. You can continue to live this relationship blindly but don't be surprised when more stuff goes wrong or things don't progress as they should. Or you can take control of the situation and make you and your life happier by not standing for this anymore.View Thread
I don't have any experience in this area, but I am trying to read between the lines here. You said you are at each others' throats... why is that? Are there other issues going on? Or is the lack of intimacy snowballing other not really big issues?
If you're having other issues, that could be the cause of your lack of intimacy. I tend to believe most relationships that experience a lack of sex are due to a lack of non-sexual intimacy and closeness.View Thread