I'm game for whatever my husband wants to do in our sex life, but for some reason he'd rather focus on his fantasies most of the time instead of be with me. And he wants me to look like some of the girls in his fantasies.
And here is the issue... I thought there may be something underneath it all. So, how will you address that he is neglecting you and your sexual relationship for these fantasies? I can't recall; did you say he has a porn addiction? Has it been discussed in counseling? View Thread
Rose is right ... and why I suggested you find healthy distractions is because I think we share similar thought patterns: the compulsive (or is it obsessive? I can never remember), ruminating, going over and over the same darn thoughts. It's necessary for you to confront the emotions as hard as they are, but if you find yourself continually going there, that's where I think the distractions help.
Which is also leading me to say something very honest with you: you are covering up with the pain meds & alcohol. This is a very bad combination ... yes, I know what it's like, you get more of a buzz. But IMO, you are just covering up the problem instead of working through it. I would suggest something relaxing and unwinding---without intoxicants---at night, so you can sleep better. Hope that wasn't too blunt for ya. I don't know how else to say it, and I worry about you relying on these chemicals.View Thread
I didn't think you were calling men animals. I just referenced all of us as animals, in light of the biological desires.
I think you may be trying to generalize or apply a generalization to men, in an effort to understand your husband's feelings for the ex. Men are heartbroken for the same reasons women are after a break-up. And even then, there's a multitude of reasons someone would be sad.
As for that attachment, same thing. Some men get really attached, some don't and vice versa for women. Physiologically speaking, men also experience the bonding hormone oxytocin in their bodies after a sex.
If you want to know why he was so sad over the break-up, just ask him. BUT... he may not be aware of why it was hard for him. Some people just aren't too emotionally aware. Hell, I couldn't even tell you why I was heartbroken after my first love... especially looking back, because our relationship was not how love should be.View Thread
I think it would help to see the roles of a female porn character/star vs. a wife as different. I don't think too many men want to marry a woman who emulates a porn star. These two women serve very different roles to him, so it makes sense to me that a man isn't likely to marry a woman who has the same physical qualities he likes in a porn star.
Likewise, it would help you to see you and his ex as two different points in his life, with two different roles and purposes. He may be drawn to Hispanic women in porn, but it not have anything to do with wanting the ex back or pining away for her. He may have just found he has an attraction to the physical traits of a Hispanic woman.
As for this biological theory of women being wired for one man & men wired to spread their seed everywhere, I don't buy that either. Yes, we are animals, but some animals are monogamous (I think there's an actual scientific term for it when it relates to animals). Some mate for life. Plus, the HUGE difference between us and other animals is our minds. We have this brain that allow us to have such different experiences than the rest of the animal kingdom.
And with your husband's ex... I would hope that he can see now, that in spite of how heartbroken he was at the time, the relationship was not healthy (I'm assuming given what you described). I think what Pi said about you projecting your insecurity into the situation is true. It's almost like you are saying, "Why is he with me, when he could be with someone else?" And if that's true, you should know deep down why he is with you and also know because he expresses it to you in some form. You should be able to feel confident in why he chose you and have no problem saying "he chose me because I'm great!"View Thread
There's nothing wrong with not wanting children. I've never been the type of woman who dreamed of kids either or who gets excited to hold a baby. Just because we have the parts, doesn't mean we have to procreate.
Your dr. shouldn't judge you for your decision or impose their beliefs into their ability to care for you either. What that nurse did at the hospital was unprofessional. Grrrr. I applaud everyone on here that has posted support and non-judgement for you, has done so in spite of any opposing beliefs they may have.View Thread
If you were close to me, I'd hug you so hard til your eyes started bulging out.
You guys had to make a very hard decision, which will take some time to get through. And you don't have to tell anyone else if you don't feel like you can. It could prove to be more stress than it's worth, if that person feels very passionately about abortion. But make sure to be there for each other.
I can understand the desire to self-medicate. But you will be much better off, mentally & physically, if you have a more constructive alternative to dealing with this. I know you love hiking & it's also cold where you live, but maybe a nice walk in nature could help. Or perhaps something creative, like art writing, cooking, etc. Yoga? Meditation? If your mind works how mine does, with the over-thinking & not being able to stop thinking about something at times, then a healthy escape could really help. Something to take your mind off things.
You guys (or he) may not want to use a second form of birth control, but it could really help. Also, if you have an OB/GYN or primary doctor, I would follow up with them. Just to make sure everything's ok with your body. Your hormones may be out of whack too considering everything, and that could be contributing to your mood.
As cliche as it sounds, I think time will help also.View Thread
I'm with Stephanie in feeling the burden of excess this year. It's something I've been noticing in my own life and especially this time of year. But it is nice to be able to treat loved ones.
I pray that those who are unable to do much this year can find some peace in that and still have an enjoyable holiday. Gift giving doesn't have to be of the material kind. It can be something like cooking, car washing, etc. In fact, I think I'd like someone giving me a gift of washing my dishes for a month than anything else they could buy!
I also hope for peace and whatever is needed for those having a hard time with other things this season, such as missing loved ones.View Thread
You're pretty fortunate to not have had to do this often. I agree, pretty much. I think it may depend on where the woman was raised though.
When I was in elementary school, this girl & I were best friends, but she'd turn abusive and want to fight me on occasion. The last time it happened was in school (5th or 6th grade). I don't know if I never told my parents before but I recall talking with them about it. Maybe it was also because another girl had bullied me & fought me before that.
So then my parents agreed I had to be taught to fight---and not like the catfights you see. It was about punching and overpowering, not scratching and pulling hair. This girl started talking crap in class and we had a date to fight after school.
I got some good punches in and had her pinned to the sidewalk. Neither of us were hurt badly, but it taught her she couldn't do it again. We were just acquaintances after that.
It was the last fight I've been in (aside from brother/sister fighting). I remember another time a friend of a friend wanted to fight me, came over to my house to do it, but backed down when I came out willingly. LOL. I was never a bad kid or mean. I think some girls just took me to be someone they could bully or control and it was true until that fight.
I don't condone violence unless an extreme self-defense situation... but in this situation, I was taught to fight properly and it was very empowering for me.View Thread
I am glad (and relieved!) to see you posting again. I wish you much more progress with everyone and with yourself--especially you. Make sure you do what you have to so your body can heal properly. You deserve it. I remember you talking about also having some female issues before so hopefully if you had surgery it will make everything all better now. Look forward to you posting again.View Thread