Thank you queston! I feel that was good advice. Made me think a little more about the situation in a different light.
Am I probably being self centered? Yeah. I will admit to that. It's one of those things, were you go into something and it's one way and you plan your life around that and then all of the sudden it's another way. So now I am trying to deal with the other aspect of what my marriage may be like.
I am not self centered for wanting to do whatever I can to make my marriage work though. I would rather think these things through, then have all of us living together, trying to adjust, it not working out and then within a year we are divorced and no one is happy.
My fiance has asked certain things of me and my son to make it easier on him. I have adjusted myself and my son to those things. I dont think it's too bad of me to ask him to give me time to adjust to all the changes and to not add more to the plate.
And I dont think I am being unreasonable in thinking it's not okay for the kids to go back and forth from house to house (different towns and school districts) when they aren't getting along with the other parent.
I dont want my step daughter to feel rejected or hurt. But with no real reason to rush this, I think I am being smart to ask for a period of adjusting to be married, so we can provide a happy home for the kids.View Thread
I understand 100% this is my fiance's kid. And we have my son living with us. My fiance knew from the beginning though that my son would always live with me because his dad would never be stable enough to have custody of him, so he knew from the get go that we would always have my son. He never talked about getting custody of his daughter. He always said he wouldnt do it again because at 1 time he had custody of the 3 oldest and it was hard on him with the teenage girls because he wasnt at home as much (cause of work and he was in school at the time). In regards to my son my fiance and I have this understanding/routine of taking care of him. I do most of it, and he is there as support. It works that way for us.
So here is the thing- I asked him, to talk to his daughter and make it clear, that there would be no discussion about her living with us for at least a year until after we are married.
I feel that there is sooooooo much going on- moving, new school for my son, planning a wedding, house stuff that is going to need to be done, adjusting to living together, adjusting to marriage, that we need to take a year and focus on our marriage before bringing more into it.
He wouldnt agree to it, but told me not to stress about it right now. He said I am over thinking things.
I am stressing about it though. I feel that marriages are hard enough and then to have a blended family. I feel that we need to make our marriage stronger.
I know it's his kid and I want him to do anything for her, I really do. But I also want him to understand what I am saying and where I am coming from. Do you think I am being unfair? Any advice or thoughts about it?
I am not saying she can never live with us. I am saying though that we need time to get ourselves together before adding more, especially considering she is in a perfectly fine home.
I am going to be open and honest here, so please dont judge. I feel though by being open and explaining why I feel what I do, I will get more open feedback.
I am engaged and my fiance has 4 kids (19,18,16,13) and I have a son who is 6.5. My fiance's oldest lives out of town, his son has always lived with him (now me as we are just now living together)- he is a senior in highschool and about to join the Marines. Very low maintence, out with his friends alot etc. They just moved in with me, as we are in the process of buying a house and my fiance's lease was up. His 2 youngest daughters live with their mom.
My "issue" is his youngest daughter wants to live with us.
Before his youngest daughter started to ask to live with him (in the past 3 months?) we agreed, that we wouldnt have kids together, so we can enjoy more time together as a couple. I wasnt 100% on the idea of not having kids, but the thought of us traveling, spending time together, etc I got used to the idea and I am fine with it now. It was a nice thought to think we really only have 1 kid to worry about, etc.
I feel that if his daughter lived with us, I would take on more of the parenting of her then my fiance. He is working crazy hours.(just starting out in the sub contracting world) As well, we also have this routine, where he does spend a lot of time with his friends helping them with house stuff, car stuff, drinking some beers, etc. So we have finally worked out the kinks of everything with that. And I use that time to spend 1x1 with my son and also relax. I feel that I would be resentful if I had another kid to take care of and"cater" too. With my son, he knows my quirks, we know what to expect of each other, so it's nice, it's like when you get out of the baby phase of when your kid is more independent and you can do more. I feel that adding another kid (even at her age) I would be adding more to my list of things to do and have to worry about.
I know for a fact that we would not get child support (or much) from his ex. She only woks part time and my fiance is about to be making more money. With buying a house, having a wedding and my fiance getting his work stuff situated, I feel that adding more to the mix is not good at this time. We need to make sure we can feed ourselves.
Teenagers are just rough. I dont know how well I will be able to deal with the attitude, the laziness, etc. Also she is spoiled, she is babied and I have a hard time dealing with that and accepting it. My fiance had his kids when he was young and I am 9 years younger then him, so I feel almost weird, dealing with teenagers to that extent.
Also, I know that as soon as she doesnt like something that we tell her to do, etc she is going to go and run to her mom and then her mom is going to be up in our business causing trouble. Her mom is very diffcult and likes to cause trouble whenever she can. We ignore her mostly. But I picture it, if I try to discpline the daughter, she will go back to her mom and then there will be issues.
She says she hates her mom and sister and that is why she wants to live with her dad. However, it's not just her dad's house anymore, where she would just lay around and eat all day and be babied. I run a tight ship and I am not going to put up with a lot of crap. I feel that it isnt going to be long until she deciedes she hates living with us. If there was a serious reason that she needed to live with us, I wouldnt think twice about it, but her reasoning is she hates her mom, but dont all teenage girls?
I bought a Valentines Day banner and some heart print paper plates. I also got my son a cd he wanted and card and some candy. Got my SO a gift card and 2 cards. Gonna hang up the banner. Buy some cakes, cookies, etc cause my SO loves sweets. I am hoping I dont have to cook. V Day isnt a big deal to me. But I am trying to make it special since this is mine and SOs first.View Thread
I want to work on being a better mother. More patience with my son and more of the 1on1 time my son craves. A lot of it is single mother guilt, so maybe work on not feeling so guilty about that
Save money and quit using my credit cards. I would be fine financially if I could just stop the cycle!
Spend more time with my friends and family or do more things for them, even send cards, etc. I have been super involved with my SO, which is fine cause it's so new to me to be so in love and have someone treat me so good, but I dont see my family and friends as much.View Thread
I think you did a very smart thing. You know what you can handle. You know what is best for you. I am a firm believer of not bringing a baby into the world if you dont feel that you can handle it. As long as you are not using abortion as a form of birth control. Trust me, having a baby with no money, not ready, is super hard. I would never take back my son, but it's been a hard road. It has finally just gotten better for me, 61/2 years down the road. And because I had my son and all the drama that went with it, I wont be having anymore kids and that makes me sad too I hope you start feeling better soon. I think time will heal. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.View Thread
I got my SO a Lowe's gift card, some thermal underwear (he works outside at times) and some shirts/sweatshirt. I am also going to make him a certificate for "a night out". I should be getting some back pay from work at the end of the month and if that comes through then I am going to take him out for the night, since he always pays for us to go out. I probably spent $60 maybe and I am sure he spent more on me, which I wish we would of discussed a budget before hand. But he knows I dont have a lot of money.View Thread