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Couples Coping Support Group

If you need a place to discuss, get feedback, or some advise on relationship, ... more

Reply: Summer is almost here. Have anything to confess?

Balcony--I am sorry to read your sad news. Your advice is always so spot on, I...

Posted by Foreverinyoureyes2

9 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Summer is almost here. Have anything to confess? Balcony--I am sorry to read your sad news. Your advice is always so spot on, I...

Another Update

My step-kids mom passed away last night at about 10 pm. It was a long, bitter...

Posted by Foreverinyoureyes2

9 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Another Update My step-kids mom passed away last night at about 10 pm. It was a long, bitter...

Reply: Another Update

Good Afternoon, friends. Just thought I would give you a little mini-update. ...

Posted by Foreverinyoureyes2

Good Afternoon, friends.

Just thought I would give you a little mini-update.

First, I appreciate all of the kind words and concern from this board. You are all wonderful souls.

It has been a hectic couple of weeks as you can imagine. The service for the kids mom was last Saturday. I was worried it would be heartwrenching, personal service, full of friends and family sharing memories and emotions. It wasn't. There were 3 pastors there, and they all basically gave church sermons, utilizing her strength against adversity as their platform, but it wasn't what you would call personal. I was glad of that for the kids sake. That would have been hard to stand.

The kids are doing remarkably well. Honestly, there actual lives didn't change that much. They have lived with us full time and only seen their mom about once a week for a couple of hours since Aug when she got so ill. So logistically, there lives are pretty much the same.

My oldest step daughter knew it was coming, and had already made peace with it. She is greatful that her mom is no longer in pain. She is good about keeping me posted on her emotional status, and asking for what she needs emotionally, and I value that.

The two younger kids seem to be doing well also. I have been in close contact with the school and both teachers and the guidance councelor have shared that they are doing fine at school as well. I am watching for signs of something going on under the surface, but they seem like there own sweet selves. Playing with friends, doing their homework, eating and sleeping well.

They all impress me with there resilency. The middle daughter put it really well to her brother and sister when she said, "Mom would be sad if we were sad all of the time." And how true that is. It would break her heart to think that they couldn't be happy, so I think they are really honoring her by working hard to re-claim a new sort of normal in there lives.View Thread

Posted byForeverinyoureyes2

9 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Another Update Good Afternoon, friends. Just thought I would give you a little mini-update. ...

Another Update

My step-kids mom passed away last night at about 10 pm. It was a long, bitter...

Posted by Foreverinyoureyes2

1 Reply | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Another Update My step-kids mom passed away last night at about 10 pm. It was a long, bitter...

Update

Good Afternoon, Friends. Wanted to provide an update for those of you who have...

Posted by Foreverinyoureyes2

Good Afternoon, Friends.

Wanted to provide an update for those of you who have followed the story about my husbands ex wife. It appears that we are almost at the end of this tragic journey.

On Wednesday she was scheduled for chemotherapy. When they ran her labs her numbers were so alarming that the cancer center called the doctor and insisted that he, personally, come to the center and assess her. Which he did. He sent her right to the hospital for a transfusion. He also admitted her.

On Thursday he explained to her mom and boyfriend that the maintence chemo that she had been on was no longer going to be effective at keeping her pain at a manageable level. He advised that it was time for her to go into a nursing or care facility.

By Friday her pain was so dramatically worse, that he finally ordered that she have as much morphine as was needed to manage the pain. He advised the family that the morphine is not good for her heart, and that at some point she would likely go to sleep and not wake up again. At his estimation, it is doubtful she will live through this week. Steve said that on friday night her morphine machine said 2.0, on saturday it said 8.0 and yesterday it was 12.0. I don't know what that means, but clearly, they are bumping it up as she progresses through this.

The kids have been with us full time since August. They have really only seen her about once a week for maybe an hour at a time since then. She just wasn't up to it, and sometimes she wasn't completely coherent, and her mom and boyfriend were good about making sure that she was having a good day and then called for the kids.

The kids have been up the hosp to see her Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The oldest is totally aware of whats happening. The little ones are not.

Steve and I are just sort of existing in this surreal reality full of tension and anxiety. Every time the phone rings, I swear we jump a foot.

I will post updates as they come, but I am guessing nothing is really going to change much, until everything changes, if you know what I mean.View Thread

Posted byForeverinyoureyes2

11 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Update Good Afternoon, Friends. Wanted to provide an update for those of you who have...

Reply: Update

Queston, Please don't apologize. I too, am so sorry to hear about your dad. I...

Posted by Foreverinyoureyes2

11 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Update Queston, Please don't apologize. I too, am so sorry to hear about your dad. I...

Reply: Thoughts for new marriage?

Kristen, One more piece of advice.... We may have already covered this on...

Posted by Foreverinyoureyes2

Kristen,

One more piece of advice....

We may have already covered this on another thread a while back, so if this is a re-run, please excuse me. I am getting old, you know...

This is the reason that I feel like I am a valuable member of the parenting team for my step kids:

I love them dearly. I would take a bullet for anyone of them. I am proud of them, without them my life would not be nearly as full and happy.

With that said, I do not love them the way a biological parent loves their children. I can't, and I shouldn't. I love them differently.

This different love allows me to be so much more objective and reasonable in my input towards their rearing.

Here is an example of what I mean. If one of my bio kids tells me a story about how they were wronged, bullied or hurt in some way, before I can even engage my brain, I slip into that protective mother place, and all I want to do is defend them, whether they are right or wrong, or neither. I am not immediately rational and reasonable. Therefore, sometimes I do not immediately say or do the right things. I react.

With my step kids, although I do feel protective, I don't immediately go to that place, so I am able to offer advice and solutions on the spot that come from a place of reason.

It is the same with discipline and rules and chores etc... If Steve comes to me with a kid related problem with his kids, I amost always have quick, sound advice to offer. But with my kids, I tend to agonize over small things, because I am simply to close to the problem.

I also have to remind myself that he feels the same way about his kids that I do about mine. This takes some practice. You will get there. Just make sure you put yourself in his shoes.

If your son were 13. living with his dad and imaged to be hating it, would you really find it so easy to say, "Sorry buddy, now isn't a good time for you to move in, lets wait 6 months and re-visit this discussion"??

That is why I go back to my original advice, of making any and every kid related decision with solid data based on what is truly best for them, and then you can back up your decision to the kid more heartily AND you feel good about the decision so even if there is a bit of parent guilt, it is of the garden variety that we all suffer everyday, therefore manageable.

Ok, now I am done again!View Thread

Posted byForeverinyoureyes2

14 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Thoughts for new marriage? Kristen, One more piece of advice.... We may have already covered this on...

Reply: Thoughts for new marriage?

Kristen, Congrats on your engagement and your new home! I am so happy for...

Posted by Foreverinyoureyes2

Kristen,

Congrats on your engagement and your new home! I am so happy for your!

Welcome to the ranks of step-parenthood!

I just have a few thoughts on your current situation. First and foremost, the decision as to whether or not your step daughter should live with you needs to be made like all decisions regarding children. It needs to be based on what is best for her, the child. Although it is tough to recognize, you and your fiance and her mom can't figure into the equasion.

I feel like you and her dad and eventually her mom need to examine the situation and determine what is truly best for the child. Without knowing the true dynamics, none of us on the board can truly know what is in her best interest at this point. If I were making that decision I would look at her current situation, figure out the pro's and con's to living with mom, and do the same with her residing with you guys. How are her grades? Does she thrive and excel at mom's? Would she do better at dad's? Who has the better school district? Who has more potential for stability? Etc...You know where I am going with that.

Although I see where you are coming from, in wanting time to adjust to being a married couple, unfortunately the bloom is off of that rose for you guys. The kids are already here, and they can't be expected to patiently wait until you guys have worked the kinks out and have figured out how to be a couple before they are put back on the front burner.

The tricky part of this, is, that you DO need to be a rock solid couple in order to be effective parents and step parents to your brood. And what that takes is a TON of talking. And a ton of compromise and a little creativity!

I have said before that I don't approach every day with my step kids as working towards today. I approach it as if I am working towards the relationship I want to have with them in the future. I have found my rythme with them, and am able to relate to them as step mom really well. It's such a fine line, because I want to have a close relationship to them, but without making it seem like I am marginalizing their mom, or crossing that boundary.

I am rambling. I have already addressed the question you asked, so I will stop at that, but I expect we will be talking about these issues again in the furure!

Good luck and congrats again!View Thread

Posted byForeverinyoureyes2

14 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Thoughts for new marriage? Kristen, Congrats on your engagement and your new home! I am so happy for...

Reply: Just an Observation

I don't think that there is one poster on this board that has not been burned at...

Posted by Foreverinyoureyes2

I don't think that there is one poster on this board that has not been burned at the stake at one time or another for expressing an unpopular opinion. I never take it personally, because it is just opinion based. And the reason I come here, is that I am interested in other's opinions about relationship issues. I have learned a lot here, but there is a lot that I read and discard either because it doesn't pertain to me, or because it doesn't jive with my paradigm. And I am ok with that. I support every ones right to have an opinion. I don't have to live their lives, so they don't have to take my advice. Heck, if anyone finds my posts offensive or prejudiced in some way, then they don't even have to READ them. I am ok with that.

Relationship issues are passionate issues. We all have opinions, and they are all strong ones.

Plus we are all a product of our own personal life experiences. None of us are trained councelors. Therefore, we all draw from our own life experiences to provide advice, and we all carry baggage from our lives that color our advice, opinions or comments. And because discussions here are apt to strike a nerve, since it is about such sensative subject matter, you have to be prepared for the good, bad or ugly when you post here.

On another board, that doesn't exist anymore, I once had the audacity to suggest that a woman that was having marital problems because of low sex drive just go ahead and have sex anyway, even if she wasn't in the mood. I was attacked hard core. It was even suggested that I was advocating marital rape. Did the posts bug me? Yeah. I found them to be uninsightful to say the least, and malicious to an extent. But it was what it was. People were passionate about it. I get it. It didn't stop me from restating that same advice again.

I don't think it is man or woman based. I think it is situational. If someone comes on here and says they are having an affair and want advice...man or woman...they are going to get an earful...

This, of course, is just my opinion.View Thread

Posted byForeverinyoureyes2

31 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Just an Observation I don't think that there is one poster on this board that has not been burned at...

Sharing Happy News

Just wanted to share with you wonderful folks that I am going to be a Grandma! ...

Posted by Foreverinyoureyes2

5 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Sharing Happy News Just wanted to share with you wonderful folks that I am going to be a Grandma! ...

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