hi everybody! firstly, just want to apologize in advance for terrible punctuation/grammar. posting from my cell, and its a little arduous. soo, yeah, if you dont know my "situation" i'm a 24 year old woman in a really happy,healthy relationship with a 25 year old man. no kids, we've been together for just over 3 years with normal amounts of turmoil but for the most part, darn happy.we recently had a huge lifestyle change when my gram found us a house to rent. its less expensive than our former apartment on the rent, and this is the first time in my life i've ever not lived in an apartment. i'm really, really happy about the whole thing, and we literally juuuust got done moving.
the only thing is, we're going to be combining our funds for this house. it just makes more sense, we've talked about it endlessly and we have the same financial goals: to get the most bang for our buck with every dollar, and put a ton of money towards the house. even though we dont "own" it, this house is a massive deal to both of us and we want to make it gorgeous. we've already done a ton of painting and work on it, and are working together to make a functional budget.
but, because I grew up super poor, combining money has been stressing me out badly. i love him, i trust him, i don't see us breaking up anytime soon...but i make a little bit more than he does, and theres this part of my brain that just wants to cry every time i think about our budget. i dont think im going to wind up carrying more of the burden or anything...i think it's just that ive come so far from how my life used to be that i'' just petrified hes going to mess me up financially. hes gotten SO good about money and communication is key...but theres this little anxiety-monster that insists "well yeah of course he wanted to combine funds, he makes less than you do".
i dont know, i feel like i'm explaining myself poorly...basically i logiclaly "get" that moving into a house together and putting our money together is like, the kissing-cousin to being "married" and i just have really, really conflicting feelings about that. theres nobody else i want to spend the rest of my life with, but like, i've always liked our relationship because we were together but separate. we spend a lot of time not around each other and have different friends. i'd always said that even if we got married, my money was mine and his was his, but pragmatically this is going to make my life so much easier.
i just feel weird about the whole thing, and whenever i try to explain it to him i feel like i'm being insulting. i think i mostly have a problem with the degree of change i'm experiencing, and the lack of real-world advice i have.my parents are very supportive of all this, but they see it as a stepping-stone to their baby girl getting married. it probably on some level is.this is terrible to admit, but i've been proposed to like eight times, and i've always said yes because those people didn't super matter to me. i fear this relationship because it's so high stakes. as we get more "serious" i have more to theoretically lose, and once my money gets tangled in that, i just fear so badly that if things go wrong, i'll just be nothing.
i have a hard enough time depending on him emotionally. i've gotten better about it, but it's still really hard for me. to have him have veto power on purchases, or to have to take his opinion into account...it just freaks me out. it requires a lot of trust, and while i trust him deeply...if i'm being real with myself, i'm scared. i never thought he'd want to stay with me for so long, and get so committed. i'm so honored that he does, but its still a huge weight. i don't want to disappoint or be disappointed... basically, i'm sitting in a new house with a new life stretched out in front of me, waiting for me to grab it, and i'm intimidated as hell...am i being dumb? over-analyzing the fun out of this whole experience?View Thread
hey hey Guard/guys kristin mentioned you were lookin' after me, so just thought i'd pop in.
i got a new job which is why i've been totally MIA. its absolutely awesome, i'm really pleased with it.for the sake of honesty, i haven't looked at the boards in forever, hope all's well with everyone.
m and i are doing better than ever, beautiful holiday season together with both our families and he's been nothing but supportive of my new job. in 9 days it'll be the three year anniversary of our first date, for which am very excited.i'm not sure what we're doing or even if we're going to do anything, but he still makes the butterflies flutter in my tummy and i'm just so proud to be all his!
thanks for the shout-out Guard, and hope 2013 is very kind to everyone View Thread
You don't sound like you like your husband very much. Is he possessive besides (maybe) this? Have you ever done anything to give him reason not to trust you? What would it take for you to trust him? What do you expect to gain by spitefully (maybe) hiding things from him,making it look like you do have something to hide? Does he do other things to make you feel stupid?
What was the thing you'd typed in your e-mail about? How did he bring it up? What were the other three things? Why the trapping? Just ask for access to the domain controller and take a peek around!
It sounds like it would be really frustrating if this was actually going on, but something just isn't adding up to me here. I'm sorry I can't be of more help without more info.View Thread
He may still technically be there, but if he's seeing someone else, threatens to leave all the time, and is disinterested in you, it sounds like he's checked out.
You have to confront him about what he's doing, otherwise your relationship is still built on lies. I hate to say it, but if he leaves you all it'll mean is the physical manifestation of the distance he's already created. You were definitely, definitely in the wrong to cheat, but that doesn't give him the freedom to treat you however he feels like.
If your talks together aren't open and honest, you're both wasting your time. You need to be honest about why you cheated, how you know he's cheating, what your hopes and expectations are, and you need to find out from him what you could do to rebuild your relationship. Unfortunately, if he's done with you, these conversations will most likely end your relationship. It'll at least allow the both of you to actually move on. If you're both willing, I'd also reccomend seeing a therapist. Sometimes an uninvolved third party can help make things more clear, and help you both express your wants and needs to each other in a healthier way.
A healthy, happy relationship isn't one where both parties play the tit for tat game. While it sounds like his drinking was a huge blow to your ego and to your relationship, that doesn't justify having an affair on your husband. Calling it an emotional affair after you've given someone else a blow job is a lie, and your husband is obviously extremely hurt by your infidelity. Maybe the affair wasn't real to you, but to him it's extremely damaging. When you write off his feelings, you're doing exactly what he's doing to you.
It sounds like neither one of you wants to compromise. You don't take the blame for your affair because he "deserved" it because of his drinking, and he doesn't take the blame for his drinking because he views what you did as worse. To make this relationship work, both of you need to be ready to move on from the past. Seeing a therapist would be the best solution, but if not that then both of you are going to have to let your grudges go. To be honest though, it doesn't sound like he wants to or is ready to do that.
I wish you both the best luck. I can only speak for myself, but I wouldn't want to be with someone I couldn't trust to deal with their substance abuse and who had no desire to forgive me for my bad behavior.View Thread
I'm so sorry you lost your husband. I can't imagine how hard it's been on you and your son.
I hate to be a downer, but if you find yourself talking about your husband to your dates, it probably means you're not quite ready for a relationship. While it's understandable that you want someone to fill that hole in your life, you need to be in a healthier state of mind for any relationship to have any kind of success.
Have you seen a grief counsellor? I don't think anyone could get over what you've lived through without some sort of professional help. Check your local churches or even phone book for support groups. You have to get to a point where the wound doesn't feel so fresh before you can start to move on from it. You've been through hell, but you deserve a happy life and to honor your husbands memory by helping your child have a happy life as well.
I wish you so much happiness and love, but don't rush yourself towards it. Get some professional help in dealing with your loss, and try to immerse yourself in the relationships you already have, with family, friends, and your son. I know none of those relationships could take the place of what a significant other could provide, but by fostering these relationships you will make yourself happier. People are attracted to happiness, and when you find yourself in a better place mentally, love will probably come more naturally.
Music can definitely be a big trigger for me too, I totally feel ya on that. Are there any songs you could listen to to remind you of happy times with him? Not "I miss you" songs, but "I love you" songs? Maybe if you just give in to your sadness and tears before tomorrow night, you'll be able to hold yourself together better?
That being said, if you cry tomorrow night...you cry. Big deal. This is a huge moment in the life of your family and you won't be the only one in tears. Bring some Kleenex and don't angst or feel guilt about it. You're a human being, a kind, emotional human being. It's ok to cry.
That's really, really impressive that your son is 16 and a senior. You must be so proud.
Try to find someone to talk to if you feel up to it. You would probably feel so, so much better. I wish you so much peace, hun.View Thread
Words are so insubstantial, but know that my heart goes out to you. It's ok to just cry, let your emotions flow.
Of course the kids' Dad will be with you. He lives on in your children, and the wonderful job you're doing raising them. You're in charge of the legacy he gets to leave on this earth,and by being the best mother you can be you're making sure that his spirit will always, always live on.
I can't even begin to conceive of what you're going through, and you're a stronger woman than I to reach out for help and support. I wish there was something I could do to make your hurt go away, or some words to help you along with this. Just remember that you are a wonderful woman.View Thread
You're giving your kids a bad childhood by exposing them to a man that beats you. And what do you think is stopping him from beating them? If he's willing to hit his wife, what makes his kids safe?
The biggest gift to your children would be giving them a chance at a childhood that doesn't involve a father who hits their mother and a mother that doesn't cheat on their father.
Check out local churches for battered women's housing or safe houses to go to. Your children can go with you. As for possible child support, it is what it is. If he has to struggle, it'll be his problem, not yours. He hits you, sexually degrades you, and you can't communicate with each other. You'd be a happier person and better mother without having to deal with that.View Thread
Do you really want your kids growing up thinking that physical abuse is understandable? Do you want your kids to see two people who don't seem to love each other, are angry all the time and betray each other as the norm?