Have you ever tried calmly discussing with him what your expectations are? It sounds like he's clueless, and if he really doesn't understand your frustrations, things will never get better.
A list of chores is something that you make when you want your expectations to be known and want another person to be accountable for them. The condescending attitude of treating him like a child and the easiest solution to this as childish is probably why he falls into the "childish" role.
You need to have an adult conversation with him. Instead of complaining about the things you do do, ask him to help out before you get mad. If putting it down on paper for some reason annoys you, have him write it down and check it off for you. There's no reason for either one of you to be "mad" about this per se, it sounds like you're both just frustrated because the expectations aren't being clearly stated so they can't be accomplished. What do you do when he gets mad and calls himself a bad husband?
I think you're exactly right, too, they'd been trying to use distancing methods to isolate me from the rest of my family to keep my just "their" kid. There have been a few other power plays from my Mom recently, but we had a huge breakthrough recently.
Basically, my Mom was trying to isolate herself and not go to a huge family BBQ because she's had a long-standing feud with my Aunt. I was still going to go. My Mom would get PISSED every time I brought it up, and basically called me a traitor for having a relationship with my Aunt. I flipped out on her (finally) and told her that she was being ridiculous,selfish and tiresome. That I wasn't about to miss out on my family because she didn't feel like fostering those bonds, and as much as I want her to be a part of it, I was going to continue to do what I do regardless of how she felt about it. I brought up her not going to my birthday party and asked "How am I supposed to feel when you don't WANT to celebrate things with me? Your priorities are (messed) up if you'd rather hold on to a grudge than spend time with your daughter".
So she went! And she was nice! And she has plans to hang out with M's family, whom I think she was a little intimidated by.
Looking at the whole situation more critically, I've had a ton of internal changes that she wasn't/isn't aware of. I shouldn't have expected her to respect me more, because I hadn't shown her more who I'm working on becoming. Now that she's had the opportunity to get to know who I AM, rather than dealing with who I WAS, we're both on the same page with way, way less mixed messages and hurt feelings.
IC, I'm kinda the same way as you, my parents are loving, kind people. But I've got some scars, ya know? I'm trying to be less critical and see them as just humans, and trying to be more open about who and how I am. There's a lot of things that we disagree on (my Dad called me "evil" the other day because I said I care a lot about money), but I'm trying to let their value judgements affect me. Their approval can't and shouldn't matter to me, I know that I'm a basically decent person regardless of what they think.
Why do you feel your relationship isn't sexually healthy? Does your boyfriend know that you want a marriage and family soon, or just that you eventually do?
I can tell ya, the jealousy you have for your friends in the fun "I'm getting married!!" stage will pass as they get into the much more mundane "I'm married!" stage. It's easy to be envious when a woman is planning for what, in American society is "Her" day, but the reality of marriage is far more difficult and arduous. It takes a strong relationship to make a marriage work, and two strong individuals. I'm not trying to be a condescending jerk when I say it's a rare 19 year old who has the skills to make a marriage work. Make sure you and he are both on the same page about the pace you want your life to take, and make sure your motives aren't other peoples lives and instead what you think would be best for you.
As someone who's 24 and has been engaged 8 times, I can tell you that I'm really, really glad none of those led to marriage. Obviously we're different people, but now being a little older I can appreciate more the advice of people telling me I have my whole life to get married and settle down. What are your plans for your future? How does your BF play into those plans?
I hope you and he can have a good discussion about what goes on in your shared life, and when you both want those things to happen.View Thread
I'd say try to enjoy the next few days, let it still be all about your daughter.
In my crappy experience, the fights are always waiting when you can emotionally/mentally get back to them.
Though I'd maybe calmly tell her something along the lines of "I'm still hurt by (the things she said that hurt you), but I want this to be a peaceful time for the sake of our daughter" and schedule a time to talk when you both have the time to devote to a truly meaningful conversation.
The easiest way not to stew is not to stew. Sincerely enjoy the things about your friends and family when you're around them, try to lose yourself in the joy of what your daughter's doing with her life. Congrats to her, btw!View Thread
I'd be more concerned about the impulse that has you "intoxicated" and lonely and getting people you're attracted to to come over rather than how your boyfriend's dealing with this, to be honest. This is relatively minor, and seemed unserious on all parts by you and the guy you were making out with, but being that level of "intoxicated" and lonely as you're texting your fiancee about how much you love him would be a huge red flag to me.
For how long are you two planning on being apart? How far is your distance?
Also, in my opinion blaming it on the "intoxicants" is pretty weak sauce, you know? It's not like the substances called this guy up, that was YOU. Look more at how you're feeling, the lonliness and need for affection, and really analyze how this is being dealt with in your relationship. You need to take ownership of your actions, to prevent them in the future and to keep yourself emotionally honest.
And if you didn't want anything physical to come of it, why did you have the attractive person over anyway? I'm going to say that approximately 100% of men would assume you wanted to get physical when you were (assumedly) continuing what you describe as "work-flirt" behavior in an intoxicated state inviting him over. It's a sketchy action that almost always leads to sketchy situations. Keep your eyes open more, and even if you're not used to male attention, be on the look out more. Not to lecture you, but just encouraging you to be vigilant.
It sounds as though your boyfriend is legitimately not seeing this as a big deal and has told you what to do to help him get past it...so just do that! You're fortunate to have someone so understanding, and I'd honestly just stop beating yourself up for it. He's willing to move past it, and you need to be too. Best of luck to the both of you, and I wish you a happier rest-of-the-engagement!View Thread
An addiction to something and liking something are not the same. Most people "addicted" to porn use it in the casual sense, as in they really, really like it. You were right in differing the justification of an addiction vs. not an addiction, as in normal porn use doesn't ruin lives, marriages, or jobs on its own.
That being said, your porn use is having a detrimental affect on your marriage. You do have a wife with low self esteem, and as much as that's her issue and not yours to fix or solve, it's also a quality of the person with whom you decided to spend your whole life. So you both are going to need to compromise. You say you're bad at communicating? That's the crux of your issue. Have you calmly discussed with her the differences between what you both think porn is? Have you calmly discussed with her that you're not seeking this out or trying to be hurtful? Have you asked her why she considers such minor things porn?
You both are going to have to discuss with each other why this bothers the two of you and compromise so you both are happy. Maybe limit your exposure to things she finds offensive, and you could ask her to turn a little bit more of a blind eye.
I don't think you're in the wrong to feel she is overreacting, but I do feel like by comparing your relationship with others, blaming the church, and not taking into account her feelings about it, you're ot handling it in a way that it'll be LESS of an issue, you're making it worse.
Why not just say to her "I bought this boat for us to be closer, but it's making me feel further away from you because of your drinking"? At least try to start a dialogue.
Or, I mean, you always have the option of making jokes about drinking with her, ignoring the health/mental health implications of what she's doing to herself, continue to not talk about it, and go to bed alone. Sorry to be harsh, I guess I just don't see the point in venting about things you have no intention of changing and making jokes about it behind your spouses back.
IF she really does have a dependancy problem with alcohol, making her get less drunk by eating food isn't going to do a thing. IF she really has a chemical issue with booze, waiting for her to have a revelation moment is going to be a long wait when you're not helping the sick, addicted person see what's actually going on.
Unfortunately, IF she does have a real problem with booze, you are the spouse of an alcoholic. Why are you expecting her to just fix things? Besides the mental implications of addiction, from what you say, she's sauced all the time. I don't know about anyone else here, but when I'm wasted I'm not exactly at my most clearsighted. I'm not necessarily thinking about the nuances of my relationship, or about what I'm doing to my health over the long term. When someone is intoxicated very frequently and you want them not to be, going along with it isn't going to change a damn thing.
Again, sorry that this is harsh. I just honestly feel bad for your wife. There's obviously something that's making her want to get obliterated all the time, and I can speak from experience when I say that's a really, really lonely place to be. I hope the both of you can find some peace with this, however that may be.View Thread
Well, that's exactly it too. On my side of the computer screen I only really see the times that aren't so good. I'd honestly assumed that things had just gotten really bad again. (and I am very glad to be incorrect about that!!)
The quality of sex is key, and I'm glad for your sake you didn't feel like a pest. I hope the romance comes around for you too, hopefully either her stress levels will normal out or she'll have a change of heart about therapy.View Thread
I didn't mean to be harsh, it just seems like in the past two years since I've been posting here, you've been on the brink of divorce and emasculated consistently. I just read the line that she feels like a roomate who lets you use her vagina, and that doesn't sound like love to me. I'm sorry.
I'm not saying that I think your issues are insurmountable, only just that it seems like for every step forward you take some back, too. I honestly just do not understand how you can be with someone who seems to give not one crap about your needs. For your relationship to get better, I think she's going to need to make some huge fundamental changes to how she treats you, and she seems unwilling or unable to do so.
And when I asked for how long you were going to let her let you down, I also meant to ask what you could do to distance yourself from the ache of it. Maybe schedule a time with her to discuss your sex life, so if you're going to be disappointed you'll at least not have it just kinda thrown at you? Her behavior sounds rough, but a lot of it seems to be too that she'll just randomly reject you. I'm not saying feeling turned down ever feels good, but maybe if you know what you're in for it'll suck less?
I'm glad things are better at least. Glad you got laid! Makes such a difference, huh? I hope things get more even for you.View Thread