I really, really appreciate it. I had a hair stylist chop off liiiike a foot a little while ago and I was really nervous about it. I think short suits me better, though. I've also been really "together" about my appearance lately, seeing a dermatologist and orthodontist to fix some of my more "eh" cosmetic issues, and I'm feeling really, really optimistic. I get hit on frequently now. hahaha Kind of nerve-wracking, but I'm workin' on it...
...I also had my first therapy appointment yesterday. So I've been really especially serious about fixing the inside and outside.
You've made my day. I so appreciate your kindness. I'd never go with beautiful, but I'm working hard to have a better inside for the outside to reflect.View Thread
Hi, countrygirl. Sorry about your current relationship troubles.
How did he break your trust? What's been said since it happened? What is he willing to do to regain your trust?
How long have you two been engaged? When are you getting married? If you feel you're no longer in love with him, what's making you stay? One of the main points of marriage is to spend forever with someone you love, and if you don't feel that way about him anymore, you need to really evaluate if you want to move this relationship forward.
Wish I could help more, but with so little information I just encourage you not to do anything rash until you've had a chance to really look at what he did and how you can move on from it, or if you can. Best of luck, hun.View Thread
I would say not that much, to be honest. We both have two jobs, I go to school, we're both really involved with our respective families a lot.
During the week, we're together most mornings for a few hours, but we're both getting ready for work/our days, so we're talking a lot but not hugely deep conversations. During the week, most evenings we don't both get home until like 815, an "early" us evening is 615, and then we usually hit the gym "together" for about an hour. At the gym, we don't really talk or interact but to encourage each other occasionally.
After the gym during the week we either hang out and have us time for a few hours, or see friends. Togetherness time or friendship time tends to last about 4-5 hours. I'd say on average, we spend 1-2 days with friends during the week, and 3-4 days just the two of us. Our hanging out together time involves me reading and him playing video games sometimes, or him doing dishes and my tidying up the place. A lot of conversation in either case, but the focus isn't really on "us". I fall asleep before he does lately (since he got his surgery for sleep apnea he's a whole new man!!!!! ) unless we're going to have sex. We have sex probably about 3-4 times a week hahaha so sex takes up a decent amount of our together time.
During the weekend, I usually see him for a very little while Sat. morning during which he gets ready for work. If I'm working I'm outta the house by the time he gets up. He spends Sat. night into Sunday on the ambulance a state away, and I usually get s***faced with my friends. I usually don't see him 'til I get out of work on Sunday (around 5), at which point I go visit he and his parents in NH or he comes home and we see my parents typically. Or sometimes I go out on Sunday nights and we don't see each other until Mon. morning.
We're both very independant, we're both only children, and this really, really works for us. We get to be together, and if one of us is feeling disconnected we try to make more time. I think that's what's key, we're both happy not having a huge amount of focused "us" time. I get the bittersweetness of missing him on weekends, and he's really cool about trusting me so I get to go out and spend time with my friends and family and heck, even by myself on weekends.
Question, have you tried engaging her? Have you tried maybe suggesting something fun, like a board game or something? Have you even just told her "I miss talking with you"? I'm an avid reader myself, and sometimes I can be a little neglectful and get too caught up in what I'm reading and not M. He'll just call me out on it, ask me to stop, and have something for us to do together, even if it's just giggle at episodes of "Queer Eye" together.View Thread
I'm not sure why you constantly feel a need to respond to my post directly or by allusion, but I'll be glad to explain why I find it offensive.
Firstly, you're making a comparitive statement to something unspecified, which makes no literal sense. "Used to be" can be fifty years ago, five years ago, or thirty thousand years ago. What "used to be" the case in different socio-economic parts of the world can vary wildly.
Also, because you or I or most people that comment on how things "used to be" weren't actually there, we can't say how it actually used to be. I mean, the "times" I'm assuming you're citing for the heyday of the American middle-class nuclear family were also the times when, to the people living in them, America was in a decline because of the shaking of Elvis' hips. Only in retrospect can things be ideal; only in present is everyone "doomed".
My Gram talks to me about the "quiet times" when she was raising her children. Those quiet times included Kent State massacre, the sexual revolution, the civil rights movement, the assassination of JFK and the moon landing. To my Gram, her world was made up of children and family. In the broader cultural sense, things were at least as tumultuous as they are now, just with different things being cited as the cause for the moral/ethical decay. So it really depends on from where you are looking IN the scope of current events, which is almost impossible to then tie into "society" as a whole, especially as time moves on from those events.
Lazy, lax and selfish are hardly the words I would use to describe someone who leaves the sanctity of marriage and attempts to raise their children alone. Just because the relationship does or doesn't work out (and who can say besides the people in it if it is "laziness" or "selfishness" that leads to a break-up?), does not mean that the people for whom the relationship didn't work are lazy. Attempting to judge the character of someone by their relationships is completely unfair, and puts immediate bias on those that "make it work" at any cost.I mean, I haven't been divorced firsthand so I can't personally attest to how wrenching of a decision it is, but I've seen people go through it, and it's absolutely awful. Just because people make that decision doesn't make them wrong or right, it's what they do afterwards that determines what they got from the experience, and how much character they have.
I think treating people like garbage is obviously unacceptable, and there aren't many people advocating for it to be acceptable. I think definitely it's become easier to see when someone is being unfaithful, for example, because they leave more of a paper trail now. But I don't think that more observable behavior necessarily means that that behavior has increased. I think for the people to whom that behavior is acceptable, it always was, they just didn't have the stage that technology/media give them.
As a member of this "lazy", "lax" generation who works hard at two jobs, goes to school, and manages a long-term, monogamous relationship, I find it offensive to blame "society" for the failings of the individual because I think then "society" can come in and take the credit for the good that I (and others of my age who are dedicated, intellectually curious and moral) can do. I think it's the epitome of laziness to blame the society for "creating" any problem, because that promotes the ideology that the individual matters less, and makes people less likely to aspire to more. It fosters the feeling that we're all going to hell in a handbasket and there's nothing we can do about it, and I think that kind of moral laziness is far more detrimental to people as a whole than any kind of stastic I've seen about divorce.View Thread
I agree with you, too. I think men in general are not as good as communicating their wants and needs on the same emotional level as women tend to be more comfortable doing (BROAD generalizations), and that extends to this website, too. I think when men feel sexually disconnected, it makes them feel all-over disconnected, but the way it's presented can definitely come across as just some horny dude and does get pooh-poohed.
And I agree, the Institute of Marriage is changing, as well it should. I don't see why it's seen as such a negative thing. I think that the kinds of people who want the 2.5 kids and happy spouse still seek and work on that, and the staggering divorce statistics and gay marriage statistics are just manifestations of how society in general is letting people do more what they want to do, not what their parents did, necessarily.
People definitely divorce too easily, and people get married to easily and move in too quickly and have too many kids they can't afford and all kinds of stuff that on the outside, it's easy to identify the problem. I've always just found it really offensive to the individual to say "Society is making people do this". People still have a choice, and can only do the best with the information they have at the time.
In general, what you noticed about the boards' bias is (to me) ridiculous. I don't remember anyone here ever saying that men are bad and women are all good, and I don't think men here get berated any more than what the women get.
I think a big difference is, and I'm only saying here on this board not in real life, the men posting here tend to post about sex, the women posting here tend to post about being abused or cheated on. I think it's easy then to perceive people as being less empathetic, because the things that men post about aren't crisis situations. That isn't to say they aren't critical, but men tend to post when they are feeling bad and the internet is a good place to vent.
Women, who in general society are accepted as more "emotional" creatures, don't tend to post here about minor things. Women tend to post here when their frustrations are beyond what they can vent about in day-to-day life, and it tends to be more "make or break" in their relationship. Again, not saying this is the case all the time, but men post here when they're upset, and women tend to post here when they have nowhere else to go.
And really, as good as it is to have a tool like this forum, nobody here is a therapist, nobody here is really "qualified" to give advice. The people who post here don't owe anyone anything, not unbiased helpful advice, not a shoulder to cry on. It's nice when people can help, and yeah it's disappointing not to get it when you're looking for it. So as much of a shame as it can be not to get the help they're looking for, I'd say 99% of the time, the change has to come from within. Most of the tips you listed could be cut and pasted to most posts, and in an ideal world, all of the advice given would be that sound and complete. But it's an open forum. We're all limited by that.
Marriage definitely isn't that social institution that it used to be, and I agree that people need to be more picky about it. But I also think that the kinds of people who, 50 years ago would've worked hard for a happy marriage are still doing that. I think the divorce rate can in part be explained by the lack of social stigma of single parents, and being a single person in general. I think that marriages in the past that would've lasted forever weren't happier, and people weren't more picky. I think they were more trapped.View Thread